Plain Advice

Weight has always been an issue for me. Even as a child, I was never stick thin like many of my friends. I have been concerned about my weight for as long as I can remember.

As an adult, my weight has yo-yo’d up and down, usually within 30-40 lbs. I have tried many different approaches to weight loss. Low fat, Atkins, Overeaters Anonymous, Metabolife, Trim Spa, therapy, excessive exercise, Body for Life, South Beach, Weight Watchers….. just to name a few. I have read many books about weight loss and how the body works. I have come up with many of my own diets based on these principles.

Really, I am not here to knock any particular weight loss method. I think some are healthier than others, but I have seen many of them work for people who have been able to stick with them. That is my real issue… sticking with something for the long term. It seems there is something broken in my brain because if I do not stay constantly aware of my eating and weight management behaviors, I revert back to bad habits.

About 2 1/2 years ago I found myself in a familiar situation… overweight and very unhappy about it. It had been 2 1/2 years since I had given birth, so I couldn’t use baby weight as an excuse anymore. In October of 2004, I thought I was pregnant for a few days. Although I did want to have another baby, the only thing I could think about was how awful it was to start a pregnancy being so overweight (almost 50 lbs). I remembered how uncomfortable I was with my first pregnancy near the end, and I had started that one at a weight that was much lower.

When I found out that I really wasn’t pregnant, I was filled with energy and motivation. This was my big wake up call. I joined Weight Watchers and although it took me a couple of weeks to really get into the weight loss groove, I did get there. I got into a great routine of exercising and eating healthy. By May of 2005 (8 months later) I had lost 47 lbs. If you notice the time period, I lost a lot of the weight throughout the “Holiday Season”, which many people consider to be impossible.

Losing the weight this time was different for me. I felt very empowered and I felt that I had finally found something that worked for me. I didn’t feel deprived. In fact, I enjoyed eating much more as I followed the Weight Watchers plan.

Best of all, I had the experience of being healthy and thin. I fit into a size 6/8 and most of my shirts were size small. For the first time in my life, I felt really good in my skin. Getting dressed in the mornings took very little effort, because I didn’t have to worry about which outfit hid my fat the most. I just put something on and it generally fit well and looked good. Taking my son to the pool was no longer something I dreaded and avoided.

I saw how my new habits affected my child. He was 3 years old and he knew that when mommy put on her hoodie and sweatpants, she was going to “ektercise”. He soon wanted to exercise too, and I would walk down the street next to him as he ran. I felt so good that my son was learning healthy habits by watching me.

One of the best things about losing the weight was how it affected others. There is something very powerful about seeing someone achieve something you want. You never really know how much you affect others. So many times in the past few years, I have run into a friend unexpectedly, and seen that they have lost weight. I will tell them how great they look, and they will say “I did it because of you”. It is so rewarding to know that I had that positive effect on others.

And the other great, very valuable thing to me personally about my weight loss experience was that I gained confidence in myself because I did it! And I know that I am capable of doing it again.

About 2 minutes (ha ha) after I reached my goal weight, I got pregnant. Although I was sure that I was going to continue in my healthy lifestyle throughout my pregnancy and beyond, morning sickness got the best of me. That is when I laid off my exercise program. Then when the morning sickness passed, I was so happy to have an appetite again, I had a several month rendezvous with food. In total, I gained about 40 lbs while I was pregnant.

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in January 2006. She is now 17 months old, and here I am, with 40 lbs to lose once again. Although I have made many attempts at weight loss since she was born, I was not able, for one reason or another to stick with it long enough to get the results I wanted. I could go on and on with excuses, some of them I feel are pretty valid (lack of sleep, adjusting to another child, moving twice in the past year, breastfeeding…..) But I won’t go on with those excuses. What has passed is past and I am ready to move forward.

So here is my first goal: In the next 14 weeks (by the first week of September) I will lose 30 lbs. That is about 2 lbs a week. After I reach this goal, I will set a new goal because I will still have about 10-15 more lbs to lose. I have written a detailed plan as to how I will do it. I will post my plan in another entry. Because I know Weight Watchers has worked for me in the past, that is the plan I am going to follow.

I have already been doing my plan for the past week and 1/2. I have been keeping daily journals of what I eat and more importantly, what I am feeling. I have made a commitment to myself to write in this journal every single day during my 13 week goal.

As I work toward my goal, I will give weekly updates on this site. I will write these updates on whatever day I weigh in each week (usually Thursdays). Another part of my plan is that I will weigh in at Weight Watchers every single week no matter what. And I will not weigh myself more than once a week

After I reach my goal, I will post my daily journal for anybody to read who wishes. Hopefully you will find it valuable if you are trying to reach similar weight goals. I will also post before and after pictures, because a picture says a thousand words right?

Share This

I like problems. You should too. Before you decide that I am crazy, and navigate away from this page, please hear me out. By the end of this article, you may agree with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I never start a day in search of problems. In fact, along with most of the world, I spend a good amount of time trying to avoid them (whether directly or indirectly). When a problem does come along, it almost always gets an initial negative response from me. It is usually not until I reach the “end” of a problem, or even when a good amount of time has passed since the issue was resolved, that I can truly appreciate the great opportunity that was disguised as something not so great.

Everybody experiences problems, discomfort, adversity, or whatever you want to call it (I will use these words interchangeably throughout this article). It is an inescapable part of the human condition. Almost immediately after you were born, you began to experience discomfort. Cold, hunger, tiredness, loneliness. As a baby, you didn’t have much of a choice in how you were going to handle your problems. Either your needs were met and you learned to trust the world around you, or they were not, and you learned to distrust.

As you grew, your discomforts and problems became more complex. I won’t attempt to list the potential problems you have had because the list is endless, and your experience is unique. Chances are, you are in the middle of some type of problem right now. It may be minor or it may be huge. I don’t think anybody will argue the fact that we all have discomfort and problems in life. Let’s move on to where the value lies in those problems.

Think of the finest person you know. A real quality individual. What is it that made you think of this person? I highly doubt it is someone who has sailed through life without a care or worry (as if those people even exist). If you really analyze that person and what it is you value in them, it is most likely a quality that was developed through one or many problems that they used as stepping stones in their lives. If you don’t know this person well, you may not know what that situation was that refined them into who they are today. But I can 100% guarantee that if you could read the book of their life, you would see that they had waded through some significant difficulty to become who they are today.

Do problems always have the positive effect I am talking about? No. Do problems always present an opportunity for growth? Absolutely, yes.

The difference lies in the individual who has the problem, and how they choose to handle it. There are a few basic approaches people take when they come against an obstacle in life.

1. Denial: This person spends a lot of time and energy trying to deny that a problem exists. However, problems rarely disappear into thin air just because we tell ourselves they aren’t there.

2. Avoidance: The person who avoids may acknowledge there is a problem, but for a variety of reasons, chooses not to act toward resolution of the problem. A common reason for this approach is fear, a belief that there is no resolution, or doubt that they are capable of doing what it takes to solve the problem.

Drug abuse is a very good example of avoidant behavior. Most of the people I have met who have issues with substance abuse are self-medicating. They are numbing themselves because for whatever reason, they don’t want to deal with some situation in their life. Unfortunately, this method of avoidance only creates more serious problems for the abuser.

People who avoid finding solutions to big problems often develop very negative feelings. These people will often spend incredible amounts of time and energy (including the energy of others) complaining and whining. They find ways to blame others for their problems, whether they say it out loud or not. They often view the world in a very pessimistic way, and become resentful and bitter toward their problem, and often toward others. *

3. The third way to deal with a problem is to acknowledge/identify the problem, take responsibility, identify a solution, and implement the solution. This approach is a process that results in growth and personal development.

In many situations, the problem you identify may be one that is impossible for you to solve. For example, somebody who has terminal cancer does not have control over their illness. They can seek appropriate medical treatment and try everything they can to fight the disease. Ultimately, the end result is really not something they can control. In situations like these, the solution is not about changing the unchangeable. The solution is in how we choose to view and deal with the situation. It is in finding how to extract value from the problem.

The frequently cited quote of Viktor Frankl , a Holocaust survivor, illustrates this point perfectly. “Everything can be taken from a man but… the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” (p.104, Man’s Search for Meaning).

This reminds me of a movie I recently saw. In this movie, there are two young boys who grow up in an orphanage. They both suffer a great deal from the pain of having no parents. Time passes and we learn that one of the boys passed through his childhood to become a happy and productive adult, who contributes significantly to the world. The other boy grows up to be his adult nemesis, always trying to ruin the man who is so successful. The difference between the two was how they chose to deal with the same situation. One took the road to success, while the other took the road to bitterness, jealousy,and unhappiness.

As I look back on my life up to this point, one thing is very clear to me. My most difficult times have been the most valuable to me. I have learned the most profound, soul changing truths when I have been in the not so pleasant trenches of humility and pain. I have developed a deep compassion for others who suffer. I have come to appreciate more deeply the good times,and the sweet things in life. Experiencing confusion has helped me understand the value of peace and clarity.

My goal with this article is not to pump you up so that you will go out looking for problems. It is to help you realize that with problems comes tremendous opportunity. If you identify yourself as being in denial or avoidance, you can consciously move toward more productive ways of dealing with your issue. If you can see a problem for what it really is, the process is so much more worthwhile. If you are in the middle of a crisis, take a moment to step outside of the situation. Think to yourself “what opportunity is this problem presenting to me? What rewards could wait at the end of this difficulty?” The answers may surprise you, and bring you some peace and hope even in the midst of a storm.

* Note: There is a time and a place for anger, sadness, denial, etc. These are all healthy and natural parts of the grieving process. The difference between healthy grieving and the issues that arise with avoidance is that with grieving, you should reach a point of acceptance and healing. The person who avoids is never able to reach this point because the issue is never addressed.

Share This

The first step toward finding a solution is identifying the problem. This may sound simple, and sometimes it is. However with those things that have the most negative impact in your life, it is usually complex to uncover the core issue. Many times, the thing you may identify as the problem is really just a symptom of an even deeper, more fundamental problem.
For example, an overweight person may find their issue to consist of the following dimensions: The top layer would be the obvious facts; the individual takes in more calories and/or exercises less than is optimal for their body to maintain a healthy weight. Someone who does not have a weight problem may look at an overweight person and wonder why they don’t take the obvious steps to lose weight. I doubt there are many overweight adults who don’t know that they should eat less and exercise more. The observer may consider that the individual is just lazy or lacks motivation. Often, lack of willpower and low motivation are factors, but they are just another layer in the onion. Below the surface, weight issues are rarely a simple matter of lack of knowledge, willpower, or motivation.

So lets move deeper into the weight problem. Here is where your problem becomes more unique and less obvious. Just one example of an underlying issue could be the fear of attracting attention from the opposite sex. Underlying this issue could be that the person was raped or violated in some other way. It is like peeling layers off an onion, and in many cases there are many many layers. See how finding the real problem can actually be quite complicated?

I am going to stop here to say that I am not a proponent of waiting until you have gotten to the very bottom of a problem to start working toward resolving it. Why? Very often, getting to the bottom of the proverbial onion is something that is just far too painful for you to handle. Sometimes it is not even possible. At least right now.

My suggestion is that you peel that onion as far as you can handle and at the same time be functional. If you find yourself curled up in bed, unable to go to work because you realized that the real reason you cannot trust your spouse is because your father abandoned you, don’t go there yet. It’s OK to know that there is still more to uncover as you start working on the issue. Allow yourself to grow and develop and as you go through the process, you will become more able to identify and accept what lies beneath the surface. This is not the same as being in denial about the real issue. It is simply acknowledging that you are not able or ready to really get into it.

When you find a solution to a problem that is just a symptom of a bigger problem, you are really just learning to cope with the symptom. This is perfectly fine, and better than continuing in a negative behavior just because you haven’t faced the issue beneath it all yet, for whatever reason.

For example, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). There are debates about the real cause of this, along with most mental health disorders. Is it biological, environmental, unresolved issues from childhood? Nobody knows for sure, which prevents me from solving the real problem. However, I have found ways to cope with the symptoms. The solutions I have found are acceptable to me for now. I am able to function and live life pretty much the same as others around me. If I were to be obsessed with finding the real reason for my disorder, I would become highly frustrated because it would be hard to come up with a definitive answer.

So keep in mind that often, your problem solving will be focused on finding strategies to manage the symptoms. If you are clinically depressed but have not figured out WHY, it’s OK. One coping strategy might be taking an anti-depressant. The real underlying issue has not been solved, but a painful symptom may be alleviated. This allows you to function and be more effective in your search for other long term solutions.

I suggest sitting down in a quiet place, with a pencil and paper. Give yourself enough time to really reflect on the issue you are trying to address. Brainstorm on paper if this helps. If it helps to talk it out with someone, do that. The point is, open yourself up and consider what the problem really is. Dig down as deep as you can or want to. Like I said above, if you start feeling your world crashing down because you dug too far, stop for now. Put that part on a shelf and give yourself permission to deal with it later. If your problem really has no known cause, stop at the symptoms that lie right above what could be the cause.

It really is not necessary that you ever get to the root of some problems. Sometimes, though, there will be a trade off you must be willing to accept. My grandfather was a World War II veteran. From the little he talked about his experiences, I gather that he saw many things in the war that traumatized him. He suffered from insomnia for years, and he hinted to me that he had nightmares frequently about his experiences in the war. He was never willing to talk openly about what he experienced with me or anybody else, to my knowledge. I think my grandpa dealt with his trauma the way he was taught, and the way he saw best. I also believe that the things he experienced festered inside of him for the rest of his adult life. Had he processed this information in a therapeutic way, he may have not had so many sleep issues for the next 70 years of his life.

And then there are the problems that really don’t have a deep dark issue attached to them. If you really cannot peel the layers off a problem, it is likely that what you see is what you get. For example, sometimes I have the problem of not knowing what to fix for dinner. All it takes is a little planning and my problem is solved. Don’t take this article about problem solving to an extreme where you are making problems bigger than they really are.

In social work, a process we frequently refer to is “assessment”. One dictionary definition of this word is: “To determine the value, significance, or extent of.” In problem identification, it is necessary to always be assessing the extent and significance of the problems. Assessment needs to be a part of your problem solving strategy. This process is not linear, and neither is identifying your problem. This means it is not something that you do only in the beginning of the process. Assessment is something that is ongoing. If you keep this in mind, even if you start at a level that is not as deep as the real problem, eventually, through ongoing assessing, you will eventually get to the core if that is your goal.

Another important suggestion is that if the issue is a very painful one for you to deal with, you should seriously consider becoming involved with a therapist to help you through this process. If you decide to take this path, see “Choosing a Therapist”.

Share This