Plain Advice

This past weekend, I went on vacation to a beautiful lake town a few hours away from home. My brother and his wife brought their boat. I was looking forward to taking a boat ride or two, but nothing more exciting than that. So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself strapping on a life jacket, jumping into the water, and strapping the bindings of a wake board on my feet! I have never successfully water skied, and have only been snow skiing once. I was very nervous, but watching my brother and sister-in-law surfing behind the boat looked so cool. I just had to try it.

My first try was a complete disaster. My instructors (aka my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law) had told me what to expect, and what to do, but I had no idea what that really meant until I was holding the rope and the boat jerked forward. I let go of the rope and the wake board flew under me, pulling me face down in the water. So I got back up, grabbed the rope, and tried again. Same thing. After a few times of this happening, I started to realize that I needed to position myself slightly different to accommodate the dynamics of the water, wake board, and my body. I started to make progress (according to the experts who were watching me), but still, no cool surfing behind the boat! Each time I would get a little closer and realize something else I was doing wrong. By about the 10th or so try, I finally was able to get up for about for about a split second. By that time I was exhausted and decided I would have to come back another day for more practice.

Shortly after we came home from our vacation, my older kids decided to teach my five year old how to ride his bike sans training wheels. He was terrified but worked up his courage to try. As I watched him go back and forth on the sidewalk, with his sisters running beside him, I thought again about the importance of experiencing “failure” as a way to learn. He fell a few times, and each time, his siblings explained to him the best way to fall, how to prevent falling, etc. I watched my little boy learn the dynamics of a two wheel bike as he experienced falling again and again. He has not yet mastered this skill, but I have no doubt that he will with some more practice, and plenty more falls.

What is failure anyway? The dictionary defines it as “The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end”. I say that failure is just a necessary step toward ultimately achieving whatever it is we are trying to do. It sounds cliché, but there is a reason for cliché’s… usually they are true.

As illustrated by my (non) wake boarding experience, and that of my son learning to ride a two wheeler, with each failure comes a powerful opportunity to learn. There is no way to become skilled at wake boarding without actually being in the water and trying. For most people, that involves a lot of learning of what doesn’t work before finding out what does. The same goes for riding a bike. You can’t just explain to your kid how to ride a two wheeler and then away they ride into the sunset. Life is about trial and error. And then success.

In working with addicts, I have learned that relapse is a part of recovery. Why? Simply because as the addict begins to be conscious of what is going on, the relapses that happen become an amazing learning tool to them. Although they are not yet at the point of complete success, they are able to gain more insight into their problem, and how they get there each time. They are able to consciously choose to get out of that pattern and learn the small but significant ways to get where they want to go.

I find this to be an amazing principle. Looking at failure as a way to success is not just a way to lick your wounds and make yourself feel better when you are down. Evaluate any failure you are experiencing or have experienced, and see what you can glean from it. How can it help you be more successful next time? I am 100% sure you will find something valuable as you look at your failures in this way.

Please share your experiences with this principle, and offer your own insights by leaving a comment!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

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A True Story

Once upon a time, in a place not so far away, there was a man and a woman. They fell in love and got married, despite the fact that they grew up in different countries, with different languages, different foods, and many other differences. They had children. The children grew. When the oldest child turned 18, the woman said to her son, “go out into the world, son, and feel free to come back and visit anytime you want. I will always be here for you. You can always come home for a hot meal and to do your laundry”.

When the man heard the woman say this to their son, he was deeply offended. He would not talk to his wife, and looked at her as if she were the devil. After the wife poked and prodded him for days, trying to get him to talk to her, he finally told her of his feelings. The woman was shocked and stunned that her husband would see her loving statement to their son as abandonment, shunning and out casting. She was merely doing what had been done for generations before her! Sending their child into the world to become an independent adult! She herself left home at the age of 18 to go to college far, far away. She had never felt abandoned or shunned by her own parents.

It was not until the man and woman communicated heart to heart that they were able to see that the problem here was a difference in cultural values. The woman came from a culture that values independence and autonomy. The man came from a culture that values very close family relationships and interdependence. When this was discovered, the man and the woman were able to understand one another and compromise as to how they would approach the adulthood of their children. The end

………..of the story, that is! But the article goes on…

As illustrated in the story (which of course is based on an issue that has come up in our own family), cultural values can present challenges that are difficult to navigate and very emotionally charged.

Values and Relationships

In fact, when it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences may be the most challenging for couples to get through. Values can be loosely defined as learned, enduring, emotionally charged moral conceptualizations . In other words, the priorities we set and the choices we make are significantly based upon the values we hold (obtained from University of Idaho).

As children, we are taught values from our parents, and also from the larger culture surrounding us. By the time we are adults, these values are deep within us, guiding us in how we view the world, and how we choose to act. Our values fuel our perceptions of right and wrong, and therefore, what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.

In any marriage, value differences will be encountered, simply because no two people were raised exactly the same or are made of the same DNA. However, if you grew up in a similar culture to your partner, it is likely that your value system will be more similar to theirs.

If you are in an intercultural relationship, value differences will definitely challenge you at one time or another. There is no way to address all the possible roadblocks you can come up against when it comes to these issues. Following are some basic guidelines that I have found helpful.

1. Be Realistic

If you have read anything else on this site, you will know that I am all about finding solutions to problems… I am an optimist. But please keep this in mind: Although value differences can be worked through, don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is easy. Before getting into a long term relationship, you should take a really hard look at the values of your partner and weigh them against your own. If you find that there are major conflicts between your values, chances are you are going to have major struggles in this relationship. If you decide to continue, it is important for you to be conscious and aware of what you are taking on, and accept the challenges that come with it. If you are not willing to accept this, then you may be better off getting out of the relationship. When in doubt, follow your intuition .

2. Communicate

As illustrated in the story above, effective communication can help to resolve the value differences you encounter. This is true in any relationship, regardless of your cultural background. However, in a similar cultured union, you would be more likely to understand where your partner is coming from with little to no effort on some of these issues. With intercultural relationships, it is imperative that you communicate when value differences arise. To work through these differences, You must both be willing to discuss what it is that is triggering your feelings, and explore how you can deal with this in your relationship.

3. Find Common Ground

If you are already married or otherwise committed to somebody who has extremely different values than you, you already know how difficult it can be to deal with these differences. If you intend to continue in the relationship, it would be helpful for you to identify as many common values between you and your partner as possible. These will serve as the building blocks of your partnership. Try brain storming and looking for similarities. Sometimes they are hidden and will take some digging. But if you are in a relationship that is based on more than just physical attraction, there must be something you can find in common in the way of values. The key in this is to minimize differences and maximize similarities.

Ideally you have found someone who shares at least some of your fundamental values. In my relationship, my husband and I were both raised in Christian homes (him, in South America, and me, in North America). This one thing we had in common growing up means that we have many similarities in our value systems. It extends to our priorities in life, family, how we treat others, moral issues, etc. I do not think our relationship would be able to survive without this common ground.

4. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

Compromising is important to most relationships, but especially so in the intercultural ones. Just to illustrate, in the story above, you learned about a value difference my husband and I have. He wants to keep the kids living at home as long as possible, and I am a proponent of getting them out into the world to live and enjoy life as adults. Although this is a difference, there are ways to compromise. First of all, Jorge’s value of interdependence and close family relationships is not in conflict to my fundamental values. I also value close family relationships (I just don’t see the adult children living with us as a necessary way of continuing those close relationships) Although it does take some mental adjustment on my part, I can accept and enjoy having the kids living at home until they get married (which is when, in Jorge’s culture, it is acceptable for them to finally move out) On the other hand, if our children do decide to move out of the house before they get married, it will take some mental adjustments for him to deal with that, but it is not in direct conflict to his fundamental values. After the kids leave, he will be able to adjust his thinking when he sees that not living together does not equate losing our identity as a family

The bottom line here is that people who are wiling to negotiate their beliefs will be successful together. This does not mean that you have to compromise your integrity, but you must be willing to identify what you are able to sacrifice and what things are very important to you. In other words, pick your battles!

5. Always Respect

Always respect your partner and seek to understand where he/she is coming from. Even if you can’t or don’t understand why they feel the way they do, make a choice to always show respect and kindness. Doing so goes a very long way in building bridges between the differences you have.

Conclusion

When it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences are often challenging for couples to work through. Some effective tools to help navigate these issues are being realistic, finding and building on common ground, compromising (again and again!), and always being kind and respectful toward the views of your partner.

Be sure to check back soon for Part 4 of this series: “Traditions”. And as always, thanks for stopping by!

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Different Culture, Different Food

One big lifestyle difference my husband I have is regarding food. We were raised on completely different menus.

When I was growing up, we ate a lot of casseroles and pasta dishes. Sometimes we would have breakfast for dinner (eggs, bacon, pancakes). When we went out to eat, we would go for a hamburger, taco’s or if my parents wanted to take us somewhere nice, for a steak and baked potato. We usually had a vegetable with our meal, and often we had jello or fruit along with the main dish. We always had dessert after dinner. For lunch we usually ate a sandwich of some type. Breakfast was normally cold cereal.

Most of the food I grew up on is not appealing to Jorge. He is not into casseroles or pasta. He thinks it is very weird that we eat jello and fruit with our main course. In his culture, those are the things people eat for dessert.

The things my family ate for dessert (cookies, cake, ice cream, etc) are things that are only an occasional indulgence where he comes from. And he was not raised eating many vegetables (except potatoes, which I don’t think really count). For lunch, he is used to having a hot meal. You will never catch him eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, or any other time for that matter.

I think it’s weird that Jorge eats rice and potatoes in the same sitting (ummm, starch overload!). I also find it strange that he likes soup for breakfast. Sometimes he comes home from the local Latin market with fruits I have never seen or heard of. One of them is called “tuna”, and it looks like a cactus plant. Just the fact that the fruit is called tuna makes it hard for me to seriously consider eating it.

While we were dating I remember being exasperated that Jorge wanted to eat rice every day.To me, that was overkill. Sure, we had rice in my home growing up, maybe once a week. If Jorge had his way, he would eat the stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I never liked cooking rice, and honestly, was never very good at it. What was I to do? After 5 years of marriage, and many pots of burned rice, Jorge came up with a brilliant idea… a rice cooker! It cost us about $20 and was well worth every penny. We do have rice cooking in our house almost daily now, and it never burns!

We have a hard time deciding where to go out for dinner, because the things we want are so extremely different. Jorge is almost always in the mood to go to a Peruvian or Bolivan restaurant, where he can get rice, beef, potatoes, fried bananas, eggs, and special little touches that are native to his part of the world. Although I have grown to like this food, I am not always in the mood for it. I don’t think we have ever looked at each other, and said “mmm, let’s get a hamburger”. Nope. He doesn’t go for American fast food… He even hates pizza.

Generally, when we go out to eat, we have found that the best place to go is a buffet. It’s not very romantic, I know, but there is a large variety of food, and usually, we can find something that is appetizing to both of us. This is one way we have found to adapt to our differences in food preference. When the buffet is not appetizing to us, we take turns deciding where to go. If I don’t like his choice, I know next time it is my turn, and vice versa. On some rare occasions, we actually do want the same type of food (usually that is when I am in the mood for Bolivian)

Why We Eat

Besides the differences in what we find appetizing, there is the whole aspect of why we eat. Jorge grew up in a third world country, where food is not abundant the way it is in the U.S. It is easy for Jorge to distinguish between wanting and needing food. I, on the other hand, have never gone truly hungry a day in my life, but I have emotional issues galore with food. I know many people in American culture do.

Jorge sees eating as a necessary thing he has to do to stay alive. Sure, he enjoys his food, but it is not a driving emotional force for him like it is for me. He once told me he wishes someone would invent a pill he could take to meet his caloric needs, so he wouldn’t have to bother with eating. Wow. That would never work for me. In my world, food is too important in so many ways beyond the physical aspect.

I have a friend who recently told me that she and her husband were feeling depressed, so they ordered pizza and ate ice cream together. This doesn’t happen in my relationship.

Jorge has also pointed out to me the role that food plays in American parties, weddings, etc. Of course, food is also served at Latin parties and weddings. But in Jorge’s culture, the main attraction is dancing. He is extremely bored at American parties where eating seems to be the center of the celebration.

So Our Food is Different, Now What?

So the food issue has not always been easy for Jorge and I to handle in our relationship. At times I know we have both thought how nice it would be to have similar food preferences. However, there are ways to manage this difference with the goal of having a successful and satisfying relationship.

Here are some tips that have helped Jorge and I with the food issues:

1. Create a unique food culture between you and your partner. Find foods that you both like, and build on those things. Incorporate foods from both cultures into your own food culture.

2. Be open minded and willing to try new things. I never would have known that Jorge’s native food is actually very good, had I not been willing to go out on a limb and try it. Sometimes I actually crave rice with eggs, which I had never even considered putting together before I knew him.

3. Learn to cook dishes from your partners traditional cuisine. I have learned to cook some Bolivian foods from my sister in law. We also have a Peruvian friend who continues to teach me how to cook some of those dishes that Jorge loves. It brings Jorge and I closer together when I make the effort to make him feel “at home” in our home.

4. Find ways to compromise, and do what works. As mentioned above, buying a rice cooker was a great solution to my perceived problem of Jorge wanting to eat rice everyday (and me not wanting to cook it). Now he can have his rice and eat it too.

5. Appreciate the positives! Jorge and I will probably never binge on junk food together, but this is a healthy thing for both of us. His attitude that food is for living and not the other way around is a philosophy I would like to have myself. In the meantime, I will be more healthy simply because I am married to him.

Another positive to all this is the rich diversity we have in our lives because of our differences. I really do appreciate the Latin and American mixture that makes up our family. We have a flavor and flair that is different from any other clan I know.

6. Do what works! Find creative ways around the differences about food. As mentioned above, we go out to buffets quite often so we will both have a variety to choose from.

Conclusion

It is important to recognize that intercultural relationships will have some unique issues such as differences in food preferences. To make these relationships successful, it is important that each partner have an open mind, be willing to try new things, adopt their own food culture, and look at the positive things these differences bring into their lives.

If you have experience or advice on this topic, feel free to leave a comment!

Thanks for stopping by! Please come back soon for Part 4 of this series: Cultural Values.

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