Plain Advice

1. Recognize the negative ways holding a grudge will hurt you. Write these things down if it will help you become motivated to forgive.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die”

2. Decide that you are willing to forgive. The important thing here is to be willing…loosening that deathgrip you have on your anger. You haven’t let it go yet, but you are willing, if someone would show you how.

3. Express your willingness to forgive out loud. Express it to the person who has hurt you, if possible.

Immediately following the school shootings in the Pennsylvania Amish Community, the parents said to the shooters family “We will forgive you”. Does this mean they had no anger? Does it indicate they were tranquil and at peace with the tragic deaths of their young daughters? I don’t think so.

Their expression simply meant they were willing to forgive.

4. Serve the person you are trying to forgive. If you are unable to directly serve him or her, pray or hope that others will be able to help them in the ways you cannot.

5. Give your anger to a higher power. Let justice come to the person who hurt you through the law, God, or whatever your Higher Power might be.

6. It’s OK to remember how you were hurt; doing so will help you act with wisdom and knowledge in the future. Forgiving does not always equal forgetting. It is about letting go of the anger and bitterness associated with your memories.

7. Realize that forgiveness is not always a linear process. You may need to go through one or more of these steps several times before you are truly free from your anger. Be patient with yourself. Again, the most important aspect of this process is your willingness to forgive (Step #2)..

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I have a friend who is living under a heavy load of debt. Her husband is self employed and they are struggling to keep their heads above water. The creditors are calling incessantly, and my friend is playing the choosing game… groceries or pay the credit card? I know that alot of her daily stress is attached to the financial problems she is having.

This friend told me today that an opportunity has come up for her family to receive free housing for up to 2 years. This would mean she could

• Sell the house
• Get enough cash from the sale to pay the debts
• Possibly get enough cash above and beyond what is owed in debt for a decent down payment on another house
• Save $1000 on mortgage/rent payments every month,which could be saved toward the down payment on a new house
• Because the debt is payed off, she saves $700/month (so we are at $1700 savings/month from their current expenses)
• My friend and her husband have a chance to rebuild their credit, which has taken quite a beating lately
• Most importantly, there would finally be a light at the end of the debt and bad credit tunnel

Sounds like a no-brainer, huh?

Here is where it gets tough for my friend.

• The house she would be living in, rent free, belongs to her mother (who doesn’t currently live in the home)
• Her mom is known to be extremely picky about the cleanliness of the house, the maintenance of the yard, etc. My friend enjoys the freedom of dictating her own cleanliness standards (of course… who doesn’t?)
• My friend is worried about feeling like a child instead of an adult, always having her mom to answer to when it comes to the home.
• Her mom may not allow them to have their dogs in the house.
• My friend would be moving to new school boundaries, so her kids would have to change schools.
• The kitchen is small
• She doesn’t like the wallpaper

Are these concerns valid? Yes. But the question I posed to my friend is one I think it is worth asking ourselves whenever we resist the opportunities for change in our lives:

“Is not living in your mom’s house, not having to answer to her for a year or two, not being able to have your dogs in the house, not having to move your kids to a new school, not having the small kitchen and ugly wallpaper worth staying in your current financial situation long term?” Of course, when posed that way, the question is pretty easy to answer.

This is not only about my friends situation. This same question can be posed about a variety of things.

“Is eating a donut (pizza, icecream, whatever…) whenever I feel like it worth continuing to experience all the problems that result from being overweight?”

“Is avoiding failure by never trying anything new worth the opportunities that I might miss out on if I were willing to take a risk?”

“Is not having to deal with the pain that talking about my childhood may invoke worth possibly never healing from those things I keep hidden?”

I think you probably get the idea.

When opportunity knocks, there are always excuses not to welcome it with open arms. There will always be a downside that you won’t want to deal with.

Before letting these “negatives” dictate your decision, make sure you weigh the value of staying in your comfort zone, as opposed to the value of what you might gain if you were to take the opportunity. Sometimes it is this shift in perspective that will help you take a much needed leap.

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I have been associated with Weight Watchers for several years, and generally, I have found that the information they give is concrete, and full of common sense. A few years ago I lost 47 lbs with them, and have seen lots of others lose weight with their methods. I attend meetings, frequently visit their website, and I also subscribe to their magazine.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the September/October 2007 issue yesterday and found something that actually made me mad. I am still angry, and wondering what possessed them to write what they did.

The article, found on page 116, is titled “Can we talk? We help you find the right words to address a loved ones weight problem“.

WHAT? Can they really be serious?

Since when is there an overweight adult out there who doesn’t know they are fat? (I say adult, because I do think it is important to address weight issues if you are dealing with your minor children).

Can you imagine saying “Hey Barb, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’ve really got some muffin top going on there. I just wanted to let you know”. Barb looks down, genuinely surprised to see that her belly is, in fact, hanging over her jeans. “Thanks”, she says,”now that you’ve pointed that out, I think I’ll go on a diet! You are such a great friend!”

I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or curse about this article. I will be even more mad if well meaning friends and family, having read the article, try to strike up conversation with me about my weight issues. I don’t care how much you love somebody, or hate somebody for that matter… it is never in good taste to point out to them that they need to lose weight.

I cannot think of a single way somebody could sensitively tell me that they thought I was getting too heavy. People, do you think I don’t know?

Even more than that, having someone approach me about their “concern” would probably just send me right into the comforting arms of a donut.

Weight loss is a difficult process, and the main ingredient for success is personal motivation and desire to do it. An individual is not going to lose weight because YOU told them they needed to. It has to come from them and them alone (OK, maybe a doctor’s advice or the innocent comment of a 5 year old can help to open their eyes, too).

If your friend, sister, mother, father, husband, wife, etc. has a weight problem but is not doing anything about it, you can safely assume that they are probably not ready, no matter what you might say or think.

You can support your overweight loved one in their own goals, but you cannot help someone lose weight until they have decided for themselves to do it, and for their own personal reasons..

I think there are plenty of people out there who feel this same way I do. I don’t need anybody to point out my weight issues… chances are, I notice them much more than anybody else could anyway. And besides, we have enough 5 year olds out there to get the message across, if somehow we become blind to how we look.

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Today I was talking to a friend who writes a parenting blog. My friend is an amazing parent, who I learn from all the time. On her blog, she shares wonderful insights and advice with her readers.

During our conversation, my friend told me that a few days ago, she told her child to “shut up” in a moment of anger. She was obviously disappointed in herself for descending to this level with her child. She said “I can’t blog. I can’t even do what I am teaching others to do”.

My response to her was “that’s ridiculous. Of course you can still blog. Nobody follows their own advice 100% of the time. It’s impossible”. She said “well, that’s true, even Steve Pavlina couldn’t stick to his polyphasic sleeping forever”

I really believe what I told my friend to be true. And its not only true of bloggers, its true of everybody. Does the fact that you don’t always eat your own vegetables mean you shouldn’t tell your kids to do it? If road rage occasionally gets the best of you (guilty!), does that mean you shouldn’t teach patience? Of course not!

Nobody is perfect, and I mean nobody. I think I give a lot of good plain advice on this site (pun intended), but I hope nobody is under the impression that I follow my own advice all the time.

For example, this past weekend I was extremely lazy. I washed the laundry but let it pile up to a big wrinkly mess. It wasn’t until Sunday night that I folded it all, and the last load is still sitting in the dryer. Just exactly what I said I was done doing.

I am not always sensitive to the cultural differences between myself and my husband. Sometimes I am extremely selfish and insensitive. Just ask him. Does that mean I was wrong about the advice I have put out there for intercultural couples? Does that mean it isn’t true?

The truth is that if you had to be perfect at something to teach it, nobody could ever be a teacher. So cut yourself, and everybody else, some slack. It’s OK to mess up. It’s expected. The difference between being a hypocrite or not is in the way you live your life most of the time. It is whether or not you sincerely believe the things you teach are true. When you do break your own rules, it is caring, and wanting to do better next time.

So keep writing, my friend. And I will too.

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In my last post I mentioned how I prefer not to deal with today’s dirty dishes tomorrow morning (who does?) This one little statement got me thinking:

One of the major causes of burnout in any area of life is constantly working today to clean up the messes you created yesterday .

Keep in mind that the dish thing, while true, is really just a symbol of some much deeper issues. Because it is so simple to understand though, it will be referenced throughout this article.

First of all, lets define burnout. In searching through several dictionaries, the following seems to capture what each of them say;

Burnout; exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration (Merriam-Webster).

Throughout the various definitions, prolonged stress is consistently referenced as the cause of burnout. So, what is it that cause the “prolonged stress”?

There are many origins for ongoing stress; relationship issues, prolonged illness of self or a loved one, trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations… etc. As a social worker, I have seen many co-workers (myself included) experience burnout; the work is too emotionally draining, not enough time and resources for all that needs to be done (unrealistic expectations), and lack of appropriate boundaries.

And then there is consistent procrastination and the consequences it brings with it.

An extreme example is the case of a long term drug user, who finally decides to enter recovery. The difficulty is two pronged. One side is managing the addiction itself, both physically and psychologically. The other part, which is often the most challenging, is that the person in recovery now has to deal with all the messes he or she created, and effectively avoided by using the drugs. Relationships, physical health, finances, legal issues, etc. are all common messes that the individual now has to face.

Another example is the person who is always in financial crisis. My own credit issues of the past were in large part created due to procrastination… I was not dealing with things when they needed to be handled. As time passed, I found myself living with more and more stress as I was constantly trying to put out financial fires. I would then become burned out from dealing with the crises, and take a break from thinking about it, only to procrastinate more of the things needing to be done. This cycle repeated over and over… All of this would have been avoided had I dealt with my debts as I created them.

If you are suffering from burnout, take a look and see if you are constantly “living in the past”. Are you always trying to clean up your messes from yesterday? What causes long term stress more than constantly putting out fires from days, weeks, and years before?

Unlike many of the other causes of prolonged stress, this is one you actually have control over.

How would it feel to be working on today’s messes today? How would it be to wake up tomorrow with a clean slate, without feeling dragged down by the problems you created in the past?

Living creates messes, and that’s inevitable. Clean them up as you go. Pretending they don’t exist only makes them get bigger. Pretending there are no dirty dishes will never make them go away. And the next time you eat and pretend they aren’t there, the pile will only get bigger.

Do yourself a favor… wash your dishes soon after using them. Remember to clean up all your other messes as you go. You’ll be glad you did.

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A few days ago, Aymee at My Rad Kid posted an article titled “The Power of a Routine”. While Aymee’s discussion is focused toward helping parents with kids who have Reactive Attachment Disorder , the article is helpful to any parent, and for that matter, any human being.

Like Aymee, I tend to avoid structure and routine. I want to be free, free, free to do what I want, any old time. This is truly the root of most of the things I have struggled with in the past (weight, bad credit , you get the picture…)

All of my adult life I have struggled with keeping my house consistently clean and running smoothly. I have 2 small (and 1 not so small) children at home, a husband who is very busy with multiple jobs and school, and a job of my own (besides my obvious mom/wife jobs). The usual pattern that I have fallen into over the years is:

1. Cleaning everything to sparkling perfection
2. Getting busy and overwhelmed, putting the house on the backburner, avoiding the things that need to be done on a daily basis to maintain order
3. The messier the house gets, the harder it is to muster up the energy to clean
4. I feel lethargic and frustrated anytime I am home
5. The house becomes so chaotic and messy after awhile that I can’t take it anymore
6. I realize I can’t live like this
7. Here comes the blast of energy to clean again, and the cycle starts over.

A wise woman (my mom) has told me time and time again to “make it a habit to wash your dishes, make your bed, and pick up clutter everyday”. With this advice she promised me I would feel better in my home, even if it wasn’t perfectly clean (she tells me this is what her mother taught her, too). I tend to forget this advice due to the screaming in my head telling me that everything needs to be done to perfection, or it’s not worth doing.

I recently realized the following things;

• Perfection is impossible, including when it comes to having a clean house. At least until I can hire a full time maid who will follow each family member around and promptly clean up our messes.
• My “all or nothing” approach to housecleaning meant I was spending way too much time when I finally did get to the “all” part. It would take a whole day or two just to get my house back in working order after ignoring the basics for awhile. The longer I put off the task, the more I dreaded and avoided it, and the more frustrated I would get. Pretty overwhelming.
• Demanding a perfectly clean house causes me to lose focus on the things that really matter… I get tunnel vision and feel like I need to clean anytime I am home.
• A “perfectly” clean house is not much fun for kids to live in, nor is a mom very much fun who only worries about keeping it clean.
• On the other hand, it is important to my sanity to live in a home that is tidy and maintained. I become very irritable when the house starts to fall apart. And when momma ain’t happy… well, you know the rest.
• “All of the above” applies to other parts of my life that I am seeking to improve. (Isn’t it amazing how we often carry the same behavior patterns throughout many of our life experiences? More on this later).

Over the past few weeks I decided to try something new. Something that would help me maintain the house on a daily basis, vs going through my crazy cycle. My plan also had to help me to cope with messes that did arise during the day, and take them in stride.

My first idea was to hire that full time live in maid I mentioned earlier. Then I decided that would not only be expensive, but also a little uncomfortable and annoying.

So my second thought was to come up with a routine (remember, the thing I try to avoid?) that would work for me . And I found my perfect solution! Here is what I have been doing for the past 3 weeks:

1. Every evening I clean my kitchen (complete with sweeping and mopping), pick up and put away clutter, and vacuum the living area. My kids pick up their books and toys while I am doing this.
2. I have antibacterial wipes in the bathrooms to clean up messes as they happen.
3. I fold and put away laundry the same day it comes out of the dryer to keep it from turning into that mountain where all our clothes disappear into a wrinkled mess.
4. Every Friday I set aside approximately 2-3 hours to deep clean bathrooms, spot clean carpet, dust, and do the majority of the laundry. If the fridge needs to be cleaned (or similar tasks) this is the time to do it.

What a difference my small routines are making in my life! For example:

• It is pleasant and invigorating to wake up to a clean house. My mind feels calm and organized. The morning rush feels much less rushed. There is nothing worse than waking up to deal with yesterdays crusty dirty dishes (OK, maybe some things are worse, but it’s still not pleasant).
• As the day progresses, I am able to tolerate the messes that come along, because I know before bedtime they will be cleaned up.
• Instead of spending an entire day cleaning, I am only using 30 minutes every night and 2-3 hours on Fridays.
• Anyone can stop by anytime, and I don’t have to be embarassed about the condition of my house.

Remember how I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I do not like structure and routine because they are too restricting? “Cause I’m free to do what I want, any old time?”

Guess what? My cleaning routine is not restricting me at all. Rather, I am more free while living within a routine. More free to enjoy my life, without obsessing over the status of my house.

Following effective routines can give you more freedom in any area of your life. How could implementing a routine give you more freedom?

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Over the past week, I have had guests for dinner twice. I must admit, the food I made was GOOD. I know because I tasted it, and also because my guests raved. Regarding one of the meals, my husband said it was the best food he has eaten in years (not sure how to take that). But even more than that, the meals were friendly to my weight loss plan! Check out both menus (numbers represent Weight Watcher point values per serving):

Meal #1

Chicken Enchiladas (6)

Spanish Rice (2)

Corn on the Cob (1)

Steamed Zucchini (0)

Peach Cobbler and Lite Vanilla Ice Cream (5)

Meal #2

Chicken Cordon Bleu (6)

Smashed sweet potatoes (2)

Asparagus (0)

Chocolate Caramel Cheesecake (5)

People are surprised when they find out my cooking is diet friendly. I am often asked how I come up with my recipes. One of my guests (who happens to be my mother) made the following comment after meal #1: “Everything tasted like it was super fattening!” (Translation : everything was delicious! Nothing like diet food)   :)

Well, I am about to share with you a few of my secrets to good cooking while losing weight:

1. Almost any recipe can be adjusted to be diet friendly. There really isn’t a food that is truly off limits (even chocolate!). For example, take the Chicken Cordon Bleu. This dish is normally very high in fat (and very tasty!) But for my recipe, I used reduced fat swiss cheese, lean ham, and baked the chicken in a breadcrumb coating instead of frying.

2. There are lots of free recipes online. My favorite site for finding healthy meals is 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet. Click on the recipe section and explore the possibilities! All recipes are complete with nutritional information and Weight Watcher point values. Another good resource is Dottie’s Weight Loss Zone (although, the best thing about Dottie’s site is that she has points calculated for foods at just about any restaurant you can think of).

3. Enjoy lots of veggies! Vegetables add color and bulk to your meal. When cooking them, I usually season with a bit of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray, salt and pepper.

4. Watch your portions. As I said in #1, no food is truly off limits. Portion size is the key ingredient to this principle. Not so important with vegetables, but crucial when it comes to dessert (why can’t it be the other way around?) The serving size for the cheesecake in meal #2 is 1/12 of a 9 inch pie pan. That is not a very big piece, however it is rich enough to be satisfying. Eating more than one serving in a sitting would defeat the purpose of making a “diet friendly” dessert.

5. Take advantage of all the foods that are out there. Reduced fat cheeses are widely available, and they taste much better than the fat free versions. Sugar substitutes have come a long way in the past few years; Splenda (sucralose) will maintain it’s sweetness even when it is exposed to high temperatures (meaning, it can be baked); I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray is a staple at my house. It adds the taste of butter without the fat and calories

Stop thinking of your diet as being restrictive and depriving. Make good food, try new things, and enjoy the journey!

Your feedback is valuable…leave a comment!

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For those of you who are regular readers of this site, you may have noticed some recent changes in the appearance. This post is to give you a quick update about some of the new things you are seeing here at Plain Advice.

First is BlogHer, which will now be advertising both products and other sites within their network. Plain Advice was accepted into this program a few weeks ago, but I just got the codes installed last night. Regardless, the large ad you see to the left of what you are reading is from BlogHer. Underneath the ad box are the most recent post titles for a few other blogs in the network.

Second, if you scroll down a bit, you will see a widget (box) with 5 titles inside it. This comes from a new online project called BlogRush. The service provides advertising of this site and others who have joined across the internet. The best part about the service? It’s absolutely free! If you are a blog publisher, you may want to check it out. Go to the bottom of the Blog Rush widget on this site, and click “Add Your Blog Posts Free”. Follow the instructions from there. I installed the widget yesterday and have already seen a 100% increase in my traffic.

The third business I have joined up with, DealDotCom, is all the buzz around the internet. This site will be launched tomorrow, Sept 18 (at midnight). Deal Dot Com purports that they will be selling items related to internet marketing, at rock bottom prices. They will sell one item per day at limited quantities, which enables them to offer such hot deals. They offer a great affiliate program, which I am signed up for. Only time will tell if DealDotCom is going to fly or not, but I don’t really see a downside to joining and taking a “wait and see” approach. If you are interested in joining DealDotCom as a customer or an affilate, click here.

I know this post is a little different than what you usually find at Plain Advice. But occasionally, we’ve got to shake things up a bit!

Let me know what you think about the changes you see by leaving a comment below!

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Several months ago, I wrote an article titled Your Inner Voice. At the time it was published, readers consisted mostly of family and close friends (who by the way, I appreciate greatly!) However, I do not feel that this article reached the audience it was intended for (you!)

Your Inner Voice contains the most important advice that I can give to anyone, period. Above and beyond any recommendations you might find on this site, the guidance coming from your inner voice trumps all.

Today I ran across a blog post from Erin Pavlina (yes, she is the wife of A-list blogger Steve Pavlina). She is a smart lady who understands a lot about the importance of following your intuition. In her post titled “Pesky Logic”, she shares personal experiences related to this subject. It’s a good read, and illustrates exactly what I am talking about.

Go check out both mine and Erin’s writing, and then check back in here… Let’s get a discussion going via comments!

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While the intelligent use of instant gratification can help you reach your goals, there is no doubt that the use of delayed gratification is also a necessary part in reaching any worthy aspiration.

While usually considered “the right thing to do”, delayed gratification usually gets a bad rap for the discomfort it can impose. While people often dread “delaying” the things they want, they often overlook a hidden value inherent in this principle. In addition to bringing you closer to the results you want, implementing delayed gratification can also help you experience increased pleasure in your daily activities.

For example:

Doesn’t it feel great to drift off to sleep when you are dead tired?

How about being chilled to the bone and stepping into a warm shower?

Doesn’t your favorite food taste more delicious than usual when you haven’t had it in awhile?

During the labor and delivery of my firstborn, I became extremely thirsty. The protocol in my hospital was to limit food and drinks to a laboring mother, as contents in the stomach can be dangerous should a c-section or other osurgery become necessary. The nurses allowed me to have a small ration of ice chips hourly. My ration never seemed like enough. I was constantly waiting for the next amount to be measured out. After laboring for about 8 hours, I was rushed in for an emergency c-section (good thing they had the protocol!). It was another couple of hours before I was back in my room and able to have a drink (by the way, I acknowledge that many women have had much longer labor than this!)

When I was finally allowed a real drink, the nurse brought me a can of Sprite and a cup of ice. I remember vividly as the Sprite poured into my mouth, down my throat, and quenched my thirst. It was the most delicious and refreshing beverage I had ever experienced.

For months following the birth of my son, I drank a lot of Sprite. I bought it by the case. It was OK, but I was never able to enjoy it the same way I did right after giving birth. Why? The answer is obvious. The increased pleasure I experienced drinking the Sprite was due to the fact that I was very thirsty. I had delayed the quenching of my thirst (not by choice, but hey, that’s not the point ).

If you dread dieting, budgeting, rising early, or doing anything else that comes with it a requirement of delayed gratification, consider making a conscious shift in your paradigm.

Instead of focusing on the discomfort that comes from depriving you from what you want (ie “dieting allows me less freedom with food”), focus on the long and short term pleasures that come from delaying pleasure (ie “dieting will help me lose weight, and not only that. Dieting will also help me enjoy the food I do eat even more).

In the short term, your pleasure will actually be heightened as you moderate yourself. Focusing on this aspect of delayed gratification will make it easier to stick to your daily goals that will eventually bring you to the results you want to see.

Have something to say? Please, leave a comment!

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