The Number One Challenge for Parents Today
Monday, October 22nd, 2007I have had something on my mind for quite some time, and thought about addressing it here on my blog for awhile now. I apologize for the break in my current series , but today, I feel particularly inspired to write and share my thoughts with you about another topic. I am feeling the urgency of the message I have to share.
Parenting in today’s world presents a myriad of challenges that are relatively new to our day and age. I could make a long list here but I won’t, because one issue stands out to me as the most frightening…
Drugs.
The Deepest Fear of Parents
I don’t know you, but if you are a parent, I assume we have something in common. Our worst fear is losing our children, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. When I learn of children who have been kidnapped, murdered, abused, or otherwise violated, I often end up putting myself mentally into the shoes of the mother of that child. When I do this, and truly imagine those things happening to my son or daughter, I want to go to my kids, scoop them into my arms, and never ever let them out of my sight. I want to lock them in a room until they are old enough to protect themselves from danger. My children are my greatest blessing and my greatest responsibilty. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, because this is the nature of a parent.
As a social worker, I have worked with many, many drug addicts. I have watched as their drug(s) of choice dictated to them that they were no longer free to be responsible, hold a job, be healthy in their relationships, or take care of their kids. I have watched many of them struggle through treatment only to relapse over and over again. I know some have managed to become clean and sober. They tell me that their addiction continues to be a daily battle. I feel pain and compassion on behalf of those who live with this burden.
“Get Them Hooked Before They Know Any Better”
Most people I know who are drug addicted started before they reached adulthood. Drugs are marketed to our children and teenagers. This is a truly clever technique of those doing the marketing. They know that full grown, mature individuals will be unlikely to experiment with harmful substances. But catch them when they are young, trying to find their place in the world, caring so much about what their peers think and wanting to fit in. Get them to just “try it”, and many times, you’ve got a customer for life. That’s right people, for life. Which, as it turns out, isn’t statistically very long for an addict. Have you ever heard the saying that you rarely see an old addict? There’s a reason for that.
Although it is true that some people can merely experiment with drugs and then leave them alone, you never know which kind of person you are until the potential damage is done. If you happen to be the person who has a predisposition to become a raging alcoholic, it can happen the first time you drink.
As a parent, I am scared. Imagine your child is the one who gives tries drugs “a few times” because of peer pressure, and ends up battling an addiction for life. Even worse, imagine the police knocking on your front door, notifying you that your teenager was found dead from an accidental overdose.
Turn Fear into Action
Being scared alone won’t save our children. But if being scared nudges us to take action against this terrible epidemic, then fear is useful. Taking steps to prevent our kids from falling into the traps of addiction is the only line of defense we have as parents. We must take the threat very seriously, and do everything we can to counter it.
I will not pretend to be the all knowing expert on how to raise drug free kids. I feel awkward discussing these issues with my 5 year old, but I feel I must, even though he is young. The reasons I have already approached the topic with him are two-fold; First, children are being approached with drugs at younger and younger ages. I don’t want to wait until it’s too late.
More importantly, I want to establish a pattern of open communication. Intuitively, I know that having a close relationship with open and honest interactions between parent and child is probably one of the most important factors in helping him or her navigate succesfully the many dangers of growing up, especially drugs.
The Importance of Family Meals
One thing that has been specifically found to decrease the likelihood of teenage substance abuse is having frequent family dinners together. A study done by CASA found that “compared to teens who have frequent family dinners (five or more per week), those who have infrequent family dinners (two or fewer) are three and a half times likelier to have abused prescription drugs; three and a half times likelier to have used an illegal drug other than marijuana or prescription drugs; three times likelier to have used marijuana; more than two and a half times likelier to have used tobacco; and one and a half times likelier to have drunk alcohol”.
Elizabeth Planet, project manager for the study, says “parental engagement is key to reducing teen substance abuse risk and one of the simplest and most effective ways for parents to be engaged in their teens’ lives is by having frequent family dinners. Parents need to know that what their kids really want at the dinner table is them.”
Is it easy to have family dinners five or more times per week? No, and it is unlikely to happen unless a conscious effort is made. In today’s fast paced world, the family seems to be running in all directions. It is true in my home, and I know I’m not alone. In spite of the difficulties, if it is an important factor in keeping my kids safe, then it is a challenge worth meeting.
Is family dinner alone going to keep our kids off drugs? Probably not. However, a family who eats together comes with a lot of other positive things. Parents in those types of families are more likely to know where their children are in the evenings. They are more likely to talk (if even just over dinner). They are more likely to see warning signs before it is too late, simply because they are actually sitting and looking across the table at their child everyday.
I am not waiting until my little ones grow into teenagers to start having frequent family dinners. By the time you reach that point, patterns and habits have been established. It is important to start early so your children always know they are expected at your dinner table.
My 19 year old stepson took notice a few days ago that we have been eating together more often lately. He made the comment, “Brooke, since you started cooking more, we seem to be a happier family”.
I think he’s right.
Parents, educate yourself about the realities your children are facing. Encourage them to talk. Try not to freak out when they tell you things that do freak you out. Find ways to stay close to them. Make your home a safe and inviting place, where your children like to be and want to bring their friends. Eat meals together. Be with them as they navigate the dangers that exist because of their vulnerabilities.
Keeping our kids drug free should be one of the highest priorities for all parents.
Have you ever done something really stupid? Of course you have! Is there someone you can think of who knows about that stupid thing you did, but somehow, in spite of it, they still respect you, love you, and show you that they know you are valuable? Chances are you have at least one friend or family member who sees the “real” you, the “good” you through all the mistakes and stupid things you do in your life.
Vivien at 