7 Steps to Forgiving Someone Who Has Hurt You
1. Recognize the negative ways holding a grudge will hurt you. Write these things down if it will help you become motivated to forgive.
“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die”
2. Decide that you are willing to forgive. The important thing here is to be willing…loosening that deathgrip you have on your anger. You haven’t let it go yet, but you are willing, if someone would show you how.
3. Express your willingness to forgive out loud. Express it to the person who has hurt you, if possible.
Immediately following the school shootings in the Pennsylvania Amish Community, the parents said to the shooters family “We will forgive you”. Does this mean they had no anger? Does it indicate they were tranquil and at peace with the tragic deaths of their young daughters? I don’t think so.
Their expression simply meant they were willing to forgive.
4. Serve the person you are trying to forgive. If you are unable to directly serve him or her, pray or hope that others will be able to help them in the ways you cannot.
5. Give your anger to a higher power. Let justice come to the person who hurt you through the law, God, or whatever your Higher Power might be.
6. It’s OK to remember how you were hurt; doing so will help you act with wisdom and knowledge in the future. Forgiving does not always equal forgetting. It is about letting go of the anger and bitterness associated with your memories.
7. Realize that forgiveness is not always a linear process. You may need to go through one or more of these steps several times before you are truly free from your anger. Be patient with yourself. Again, the most important aspect of this process is your willingness to forgive (Step #2)..
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October 1st, 2007 at 6:34 am
This is a great list, Brooke. You are so correct that forgiveness is not linear. Much like the stages of grief, it seems to me that I can oscillate back and forth between being forgiving and holding onto a grudge tighter than ever for quite some time.
For those who have trouble with your step 5, I would recommend loving kindness meditation. Wishing well to the person who wronged you can be incredibly cleansing.
October 1st, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Maria,
I would also recommend that others check out your link to “loving kindness meditation”. It is a great resource to be used in the process of letting go of negative feelings. Thanks for the comment.
Brooke