Plain Advice

I have had something on my mind for quite some time, and thought about addressing it here on my blog for awhile now. I apologize for the break in my current series , but today, I feel particularly inspired to write and share my thoughts with you about another topic. I am feeling the urgency of the message I have to share.

Parenting in today’s world presents a myriad of challenges that are relatively new to our day and age. I could make a long list here but I won’t, because one issue stands out to me as the most frightening…

Drugs.

The Deepest Fear of Parents

I don’t know you, but if you are a parent, I assume we have something in common. Our worst fear is losing our children, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. When I learn of children who have been kidnapped, murdered, abused, or otherwise violated, I often end up putting myself mentally into the shoes of the mother of that child. When I do this, and truly imagine those things happening to my son or daughter, I want to go to my kids, scoop them into my arms, and never ever let them out of my sight. I want to lock them in a room until they are old enough to protect themselves from danger. My children are my greatest blessing and my greatest responsibilty. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, because this is the nature of a parent.

As a social worker, I have worked with many, many drug addicts. I have watched as their drug(s) of choice dictated to them that they were no longer free to be responsible, hold a job, be healthy in their relationships, or take care of their kids. I have watched many of them struggle through treatment only to relapse over and over again. I know some have managed to become clean and sober. They tell me that their addiction continues to be a daily battle. I feel pain and compassion on behalf of those who live with this burden.

“Get Them Hooked Before They Know Any Better”

Most people I know who are drug addicted started before they reached adulthood. Drugs are marketed to our children and teenagers. This is a truly clever technique of those doing the marketing. They know that full grown, mature individuals will be unlikely to experiment with harmful substances. But catch them when they are young, trying to find their place in the world, caring so much about what their peers think and wanting to fit in. Get them to just “try it”, and many times, you’ve got a customer for life. That’s right people, for life. Which, as it turns out, isn’t statistically very long for an addict. Have you ever heard the saying that you rarely see an old addict? There’s a reason for that.

Although it is true that some people can merely experiment with drugs and then leave them alone, you never know which kind of person you are until the potential damage is done. If you happen to be the person who has a predisposition to become a raging alcoholic, it can happen the first time you drink.

As a parent, I am scared. Imagine your child is the one who gives tries drugs “a few times” because of peer pressure, and ends up battling an addiction for life. Even worse, imagine the police knocking on your front door, notifying you that your teenager was found dead from an accidental overdose.

Turn Fear into Action

Being scared alone won’t save our children. But if being scared nudges us to take action against this terrible epidemic, then fear is useful. Taking steps to prevent our kids from falling into the traps of addiction is the only line of defense we have as parents. We must take the threat very seriously, and do everything we can to counter it.

I will not pretend to be the all knowing expert on how to raise drug free kids. I feel awkward discussing these issues with my 5 year old, but I feel I must, even though he is young. The reasons I have already approached the topic with him are two-fold; First, children are being approached with drugs at younger and younger ages. I don’t want to wait until it’s too late.

More importantly, I want to establish a pattern of open communication. Intuitively, I know that having a close relationship with open and honest interactions between parent and child is probably one of the most important factors in helping him or her navigate succesfully the many dangers of growing up, especially drugs.

The Importance of Family Meals

One thing that has been specifically found to decrease the likelihood of teenage substance abuse is having frequent family dinners together. A study done by CASA found that “compared to teens who have frequent family dinners (five or more per week), those who have infrequent family dinners (two or fewer) are three and a half times likelier to have abused prescription drugs; three and a half times likelier to have used an illegal drug other than marijuana or prescription drugs; three times likelier to have used marijuana; more than two and a half times likelier to have used tobacco; and one and a half times likelier to have drunk alcohol”.

Elizabeth Planet, project manager for the study, says “parental engagement is key to reducing teen substance abuse risk and one of the simplest and most effective ways for parents to be engaged in their teens’ lives is by having frequent family dinners. Parents need to know that what their kids really want at the dinner table is them.”

Is it easy to have family dinners five or more times per week? No, and it is unlikely to happen unless a conscious effort is made. In today’s fast paced world, the family seems to be running in all directions. It is true in my home, and I know I’m not alone. In spite of the difficulties, if it is an important factor in keeping my kids safe, then it is a challenge worth meeting.

Is family dinner alone going to keep our kids off drugs? Probably not. However, a family who eats together comes with a lot of other positive things. Parents in those types of families are more likely to know where their children are in the evenings. They are more likely to talk (if even just over dinner). They are more likely to see warning signs before it is too late, simply because they are actually sitting and looking across the table at their child everyday.

I am not waiting until my little ones grow into teenagers to start having frequent family dinners. By the time you reach that point, patterns and habits have been established. It is important to start early so your children always know they are expected at your dinner table.

My 19 year old stepson took notice a few days ago that we have been eating together more often lately. He made the comment, “Brooke, since you started cooking more,  we seem to be a happier family”.

I think he’s right.

Parents, educate yourself about the realities your children are facing. Encourage them to talk. Try not to freak out when they tell you things that do freak you out. Find ways to stay close to them. Make your home a safe and inviting place, where your children like to be and want to bring their friends. Eat meals together. Be with them as they navigate the dangers that exist because of their vulnerabilities.

Keeping our kids drug free should be one of the highest priorities for all parents.

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If there is something I have learned over the past ten years since I met my husband, it is this: Relationships are full of ups and downs, and it’s OK.

At times, my marriage is full of romance, attraction, charm, beauty and a feeling that life could not be better or more fulfilling. I can see all those things in my husband that attracted me to him in the first place, and some new things I have found to respect in him along the way.

Then come the times that my overriding feelings are of irritation, anger, resentment, stress, disconnect, feeling as far away from the romance and charm as I can get.

Of course, there are in-between times too (this is the most common place to be).

All relationships are different. There are those occasional charmed couples who may not go through the peaks and valleys as described. However, if most people are honest with themselves, they know exactly what I am talking about.

The biggest difference between the marriages that last and those that fail is a single factor; those that make it are the ones that can recognize a bad spell for what it is… temporary. They hold out for the good times, which eventually do return.

I have spoken with those who, after divorcing have realized that no matter who they were with, marriage is hard. I have had more than one of these individuals tell me they wish they would have stuck with that marriage and worked things out, because the divorce itself caused so much heartache (especially where children were involved).

A study done by the Institute for American Values researched the question “Does Divorce Make People Happy?” . The study found, among other things that

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
• Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later
• Many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals. Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? The marital endurance ethic appears to play a big role. Many spouses said that their marriages got happier, not because they and their partner resolved problems but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With time…many sources of conflict and distress eased.

If you have time, I encourage you to visit the Institute for American Values website and review the complete findings from the study cited above.

My advice? If you are experiencing unhappiness in your marriage, realize that there are better days ahead. Remember the good times, and have faith that they will come around again. Be patient and work to create those better times. The good times will be even sweeter when you get there.

Disclaimer: I am not talking about abusive relationships…those who are in an abusive cycle should not expect that things will get better. Over time, things typically only get worse. If you are in such a relationship, be careful, and seek professional help.

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About 7 years ago, when I was getting ready to marry my (now) husband, I was anticipating the difficulties we would face as being interracial, intercultural, and a blended family on top of it all. I was reading a lot, trying to learn as much as I could about how to make my marriage a success. I found many helpful ideas, but one book, by far, stuck out to me then and now. “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman had a lasting impact on me. I have referred back to it many times during my marriage, and have also referred friends to read it that were struggling in their own relationships. The concepts in the book are simple yet powerful.

The basic premise is that there are different ways that people give and receive love. The author refers to these different approaches as “emotional languages”, and points out that they can be as different as English and Chinese. The languages fall into 5 basic categories. They are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Individuals favor one or two ways they express and receive love for a myriad of reasons. Many times, problems in relationships stem from the fact that those involved do not speak or recognize the love language of the other. Therefore, although each partner may be trying sincerely to express love to the other, one or both may feel unloved due to a lack of understanding.

This can be compared to trying to communicate with somebody who speaks Portuguese using English words. It is not until you learn some Portuguese, or they learn some English, or you both learn some words in each others language, that you will be able to understand each other.

For example, my primary love languages are quality time and words of affirmation, while my husband receives love more through acts of service. In fact, Jorge doesn’t receive love much at all through words of affirmation,and sometimes becomes annoyed at receiving too many compliments or praise. However, if I make efforts to cook him his favorite meal or do something for him unexpectedly, this gives him the feeling that I love him.

By knowing how Jorge and I differ in our love languages, we are better able to show love to each other, and also recognize and appreciate when the other is trying in their own language to express those feelings.

The book has sections that can help you identify your own love language and that of your partner. The good news is, it is never too late to learn how to speak and act in ways that will show your partner you love him/her by learning to speak their love language.

There are many free resources at the Five Love Languages website that can help you learn more about the languages and how being aware of them can strengthen your relationships.

The book can be purchased by clicking on the link below.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

Here is your chance to learn another language!

Let me know what you think by leaving a comment. Thanks for stopping by!

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I am one of the lucky people whose mom and dad are still married to each other. In fact, today is their 36th wedding anniversary… (Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!) so in honor of this special day, I am going to share some of the things I have learned about marriage from them.

1- Happily married people don’t always agree. Growing up, I saw only subtle disagreements between my parents (a look my mom would give my dad, things like that)… they did a great job of keeping their arguments to themselves (I never appreciated how hard this is until I became a parent).

But as an adult, it has been important for me to know that my parents have their differences, and it’s ok… they are still happy.

2- It’s perfectly normal and healthy for happily married people to pursue their own interests and have some independence from each other. But at the end of the day (or the business trip), home is where the heart is.

3- Divorce is not an option. At least, it never has been for my parents. The day I got married, my mom gave me the advice to never even joke about divorce. She had been given this same advice when she was newly married, and following it has served my parents well. When you start talking about divorce in any context, it is more likely to become an option, instead of finding ways to work through the problems you are having.

4- Small gestures matter. Like when my dad wrote, as his New Years resolution “make Pam happy”. Or the sweet cards he gives her on special occasions (I am nosy and usually end up reading them, if they are sitting around).

Or how, when my dad is coming home from a business trip, my mom goes out and stocks up on all his favorite foods.

And you can’t leave out the importance of pet names… to dad, my mom is “pambone” or “my sweet baboo” (don’t ask).

5- Make sure to have alone time. When us kids were young, my parents were consistent about going on dates and spending time by themselves. I remember being mad sometimes that they wouldn’t take me to the movies with them! Now that I am married with kids, I can see how important it was that they made time to do that.

Even now, when Dad comes home from a business trip (after being away for months at a time) I usually don’t see too much of them at all… because they are busy being together.

6- Taking care of yourself is good for your marriage. As you can see in the picture below, both of my parents are active, healthy, EXTREMELY attractive people

How does this help their marriage? Duh. I’m not even gonna go there…

7- Trust, and be worthy of the trust of your spouse. In the past few years, my parents have spent a lot of time apart because of my dad’s job. They are separated for months at a time, and trust is a very important part of their success.

8- (Last, but perhaps most important)… I grew up with the belief that marriage lasts. It is stable and reliable, and doesn’t change with the wind. This is a legacy that I want my children to witness and learn from my marriage, the same way I learned it from my parents.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! Thanks for giving me what so many people are missing… parents who still love each other!

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On a recent Wednesday, I woke up and went downstairs. My husband had already left for work (normal). However, when I came to the kitchen table, I found a note (not normal) which read

I love all of you. I am nothing without you. Please be kind to each other. Love, Dad

My initial reaction was “hmmm, that’s weird”, but after that first feeling, I just thought it was sweet. So on I went with my day.

I went to work, and didn’t hear from Jorge all morning (normal… he’s a teacher). Then I got pretty busy at work in the afternoon, and didn’t realize until about 4:00 that I still had not talked to him all day. I tried calling his cell phone but he didn’t answer (normal). He never returned my calls (not normal).

I was on the phone with my mom around 5, and I mentioned to her the note Jorge left that morning. I told her I hadn’t been able to get a hold of him and she got a worried sound in her voice. This made me worry. She asked that I call her when I heard from him.

Around the same time, I called home and talked to my teenagers. They said they hadn’t heard from dad all day, and were a little freaked out. Usually, he shows up around lunch time if only for a few minutes. My 18 year old’s reaction to the note was “dad left a suicide note”. I reassured them that dad was fine and I was sure we would hear from him soon. But I was not so sure myself.

Let me digress and explain my concern. I wasn’t worried that Jorge had or ever would kill himself. He just loves himself too much to do such a thing. He is also not the selfish type that would off himself and leave his family behind to deal with the aftermath. It’s just not him.

However, the note was TOTALLY out of the ordinary. So my concern started to be along the lines of “what if he had a premonition that he was going to die today, and therefore left us the note as comfort when he was gone”. I know it sounds far out there, but that was seriously what I was starting to fear when I couldn’t reach him.

By 7:00 everybody was in a panic. I called home and nobody answered. I called my 16 year old daughter on her cell phone. She said that she and her sister had left the house because they got scared of what might have happened to dad (not sure how leaving the house helped, but hey, they are teenagers). I said I would be right home.

I found out when I got to the house that some of Jorge’s friends had come by to pick him up for a golfing appointment. Another cause for concern that he wasn’t there for that.

My mom called me about the same time to ask if I had heard from my husband. I told her I hadn’t, and she said she was going to call him herself. No luck, he didn’t answer for her either. I tried calling a few of Jorge’s friends but couldn’t get a hold of any of them.

Finally, I remembered that it was the night that Jorge normally holds a meeting for his soccer league. I jumped in my car and drove over to where the meeting is typically held. By this time I was frantic. All the “what ifs” were going through my head, and I was scared. The fact that we bought a pretty decent life insurance policy last year didn’t comfort me. I was thinking about how sad life would be for my kids without their dad. I was thinking about how sad my life would be without my husband.

When I drove up to the meeting place, I spotted Jorge’s car. That was a relief, but still, I was in panic mode. I marched in, past a few people, to the room where the meeting is held. I walked through the door and found Jorge in the front of the room, leading the meeting. I asked him to step out into the hallway. My intention was to chastise him severely for leaving that note, and for not calling all day.

However, when we stepped into the hall, my anger gave way to tears and I hugged him tight. He looked confused. Then my anger returned. I said “now that I know you’re alive, I’m going to kill you”. I asked why he hadn’t gone home for lunch. Running errands. Me: “You missed your golf appointment” … Him: “I forgot”. I asked why nobody had been able to get a hold of him all day. He held up his phone rather sheepishly and said it hadn’t been working… He also said he had tried to call me and our 16 year old daughter but had never gotten through. He told me to check my caller ID, but that wasn’t necessary really. I was just so glad to see that he was alive and well. And the love note really was just a love note. A sweet, thoughtful note.

In light of this experience, it would be wise to consider the following advice:

1. Be very careful about leaving the occasional love note. If it is out of character for you to do such a thing, leave a post script on your note, clarifying your intentions in writing the letter.

2. On the day you leave the note, make sure you are available by phone.

3. If you must leave a note, don’t miss appointments that day. And stick to your normal schedule.

4. On the other hand, there is some value that can be gained from scaring your family into thinking they might have lost you. It may have the effect of reminding them, and you, just how much they love you.

Lastly,

5. If you are wondering if your spouse wants you dead for the purpose of collecting your life insurance, this may be the way to find out how s/he really feels.

• If she seems disappointed to see you alive and well, you have a problem and should probably watch your back.
• If she is genuinely happy to see you, assume that you are worth more to her than all that money she stands to get when you are gone.

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A True Story

Once upon a time, in a place not so far away, there was a man and a woman. They fell in love and got married, despite the fact that they grew up in different countries, with different languages, different foods, and many other differences. They had children. The children grew. When the oldest child turned 18, the woman said to her son, “go out into the world, son, and feel free to come back and visit anytime you want. I will always be here for you. You can always come home for a hot meal and to do your laundry”.

When the man heard the woman say this to their son, he was deeply offended. He would not talk to his wife, and looked at her as if she were the devil. After the wife poked and prodded him for days, trying to get him to talk to her, he finally told her of his feelings. The woman was shocked and stunned that her husband would see her loving statement to their son as abandonment, shunning and out casting. She was merely doing what had been done for generations before her! Sending their child into the world to become an independent adult! She herself left home at the age of 18 to go to college far, far away. She had never felt abandoned or shunned by her own parents.

It was not until the man and woman communicated heart to heart that they were able to see that the problem here was a difference in cultural values. The woman came from a culture that values independence and autonomy. The man came from a culture that values very close family relationships and interdependence. When this was discovered, the man and the woman were able to understand one another and compromise as to how they would approach the adulthood of their children. The end

………..of the story, that is! But the article goes on…

As illustrated in the story (which of course is based on an issue that has come up in our own family), cultural values can present challenges that are difficult to navigate and very emotionally charged.

Values and Relationships

In fact, when it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences may be the most challenging for couples to get through. Values can be loosely defined as learned, enduring, emotionally charged moral conceptualizations . In other words, the priorities we set and the choices we make are significantly based upon the values we hold (obtained from University of Idaho).

As children, we are taught values from our parents, and also from the larger culture surrounding us. By the time we are adults, these values are deep within us, guiding us in how we view the world, and how we choose to act. Our values fuel our perceptions of right and wrong, and therefore, what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.

In any marriage, value differences will be encountered, simply because no two people were raised exactly the same or are made of the same DNA. However, if you grew up in a similar culture to your partner, it is likely that your value system will be more similar to theirs.

If you are in an intercultural relationship, value differences will definitely challenge you at one time or another. There is no way to address all the possible roadblocks you can come up against when it comes to these issues. Following are some basic guidelines that I have found helpful.

1. Be Realistic

If you have read anything else on this site, you will know that I am all about finding solutions to problems… I am an optimist. But please keep this in mind: Although value differences can be worked through, don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is easy. Before getting into a long term relationship, you should take a really hard look at the values of your partner and weigh them against your own. If you find that there are major conflicts between your values, chances are you are going to have major struggles in this relationship. If you decide to continue, it is important for you to be conscious and aware of what you are taking on, and accept the challenges that come with it. If you are not willing to accept this, then you may be better off getting out of the relationship. When in doubt, follow your intuition .

2. Communicate

As illustrated in the story above, effective communication can help to resolve the value differences you encounter. This is true in any relationship, regardless of your cultural background. However, in a similar cultured union, you would be more likely to understand where your partner is coming from with little to no effort on some of these issues. With intercultural relationships, it is imperative that you communicate when value differences arise. To work through these differences, You must both be willing to discuss what it is that is triggering your feelings, and explore how you can deal with this in your relationship.

3. Find Common Ground

If you are already married or otherwise committed to somebody who has extremely different values than you, you already know how difficult it can be to deal with these differences. If you intend to continue in the relationship, it would be helpful for you to identify as many common values between you and your partner as possible. These will serve as the building blocks of your partnership. Try brain storming and looking for similarities. Sometimes they are hidden and will take some digging. But if you are in a relationship that is based on more than just physical attraction, there must be something you can find in common in the way of values. The key in this is to minimize differences and maximize similarities.

Ideally you have found someone who shares at least some of your fundamental values. In my relationship, my husband and I were both raised in Christian homes (him, in South America, and me, in North America). This one thing we had in common growing up means that we have many similarities in our value systems. It extends to our priorities in life, family, how we treat others, moral issues, etc. I do not think our relationship would be able to survive without this common ground.

4. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

Compromising is important to most relationships, but especially so in the intercultural ones. Just to illustrate, in the story above, you learned about a value difference my husband and I have. He wants to keep the kids living at home as long as possible, and I am a proponent of getting them out into the world to live and enjoy life as adults. Although this is a difference, there are ways to compromise. First of all, Jorge’s value of interdependence and close family relationships is not in conflict to my fundamental values. I also value close family relationships (I just don’t see the adult children living with us as a necessary way of continuing those close relationships) Although it does take some mental adjustment on my part, I can accept and enjoy having the kids living at home until they get married (which is when, in Jorge’s culture, it is acceptable for them to finally move out) On the other hand, if our children do decide to move out of the house before they get married, it will take some mental adjustments for him to deal with that, but it is not in direct conflict to his fundamental values. After the kids leave, he will be able to adjust his thinking when he sees that not living together does not equate losing our identity as a family

The bottom line here is that people who are wiling to negotiate their beliefs will be successful together. This does not mean that you have to compromise your integrity, but you must be willing to identify what you are able to sacrifice and what things are very important to you. In other words, pick your battles!

5. Always Respect

Always respect your partner and seek to understand where he/she is coming from. Even if you can’t or don’t understand why they feel the way they do, make a choice to always show respect and kindness. Doing so goes a very long way in building bridges between the differences you have.

Conclusion

When it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences are often challenging for couples to work through. Some effective tools to help navigate these issues are being realistic, finding and building on common ground, compromising (again and again!), and always being kind and respectful toward the views of your partner.

Be sure to check back soon for Part 4 of this series: “Traditions”. And as always, thanks for stopping by!

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Different Culture, Different Food

One big lifestyle difference my husband I have is regarding food. We were raised on completely different menus.

When I was growing up, we ate a lot of casseroles and pasta dishes. Sometimes we would have breakfast for dinner (eggs, bacon, pancakes). When we went out to eat, we would go for a hamburger, taco’s or if my parents wanted to take us somewhere nice, for a steak and baked potato. We usually had a vegetable with our meal, and often we had jello or fruit along with the main dish. We always had dessert after dinner. For lunch we usually ate a sandwich of some type. Breakfast was normally cold cereal.

Most of the food I grew up on is not appealing to Jorge. He is not into casseroles or pasta. He thinks it is very weird that we eat jello and fruit with our main course. In his culture, those are the things people eat for dessert.

The things my family ate for dessert (cookies, cake, ice cream, etc) are things that are only an occasional indulgence where he comes from. And he was not raised eating many vegetables (except potatoes, which I don’t think really count). For lunch, he is used to having a hot meal. You will never catch him eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, or any other time for that matter.

I think it’s weird that Jorge eats rice and potatoes in the same sitting (ummm, starch overload!). I also find it strange that he likes soup for breakfast. Sometimes he comes home from the local Latin market with fruits I have never seen or heard of. One of them is called “tuna”, and it looks like a cactus plant. Just the fact that the fruit is called tuna makes it hard for me to seriously consider eating it.

While we were dating I remember being exasperated that Jorge wanted to eat rice every day.To me, that was overkill. Sure, we had rice in my home growing up, maybe once a week. If Jorge had his way, he would eat the stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I never liked cooking rice, and honestly, was never very good at it. What was I to do? After 5 years of marriage, and many pots of burned rice, Jorge came up with a brilliant idea… a rice cooker! It cost us about $20 and was well worth every penny. We do have rice cooking in our house almost daily now, and it never burns!

We have a hard time deciding where to go out for dinner, because the things we want are so extremely different. Jorge is almost always in the mood to go to a Peruvian or Bolivan restaurant, where he can get rice, beef, potatoes, fried bananas, eggs, and special little touches that are native to his part of the world. Although I have grown to like this food, I am not always in the mood for it. I don’t think we have ever looked at each other, and said “mmm, let’s get a hamburger”. Nope. He doesn’t go for American fast food… He even hates pizza.

Generally, when we go out to eat, we have found that the best place to go is a buffet. It’s not very romantic, I know, but there is a large variety of food, and usually, we can find something that is appetizing to both of us. This is one way we have found to adapt to our differences in food preference. When the buffet is not appetizing to us, we take turns deciding where to go. If I don’t like his choice, I know next time it is my turn, and vice versa. On some rare occasions, we actually do want the same type of food (usually that is when I am in the mood for Bolivian)

Why We Eat

Besides the differences in what we find appetizing, there is the whole aspect of why we eat. Jorge grew up in a third world country, where food is not abundant the way it is in the U.S. It is easy for Jorge to distinguish between wanting and needing food. I, on the other hand, have never gone truly hungry a day in my life, but I have emotional issues galore with food. I know many people in American culture do.

Jorge sees eating as a necessary thing he has to do to stay alive. Sure, he enjoys his food, but it is not a driving emotional force for him like it is for me. He once told me he wishes someone would invent a pill he could take to meet his caloric needs, so he wouldn’t have to bother with eating. Wow. That would never work for me. In my world, food is too important in so many ways beyond the physical aspect.

I have a friend who recently told me that she and her husband were feeling depressed, so they ordered pizza and ate ice cream together. This doesn’t happen in my relationship.

Jorge has also pointed out to me the role that food plays in American parties, weddings, etc. Of course, food is also served at Latin parties and weddings. But in Jorge’s culture, the main attraction is dancing. He is extremely bored at American parties where eating seems to be the center of the celebration.

So Our Food is Different, Now What?

So the food issue has not always been easy for Jorge and I to handle in our relationship. At times I know we have both thought how nice it would be to have similar food preferences. However, there are ways to manage this difference with the goal of having a successful and satisfying relationship.

Here are some tips that have helped Jorge and I with the food issues:

1. Create a unique food culture between you and your partner. Find foods that you both like, and build on those things. Incorporate foods from both cultures into your own food culture.

2. Be open minded and willing to try new things. I never would have known that Jorge’s native food is actually very good, had I not been willing to go out on a limb and try it. Sometimes I actually crave rice with eggs, which I had never even considered putting together before I knew him.

3. Learn to cook dishes from your partners traditional cuisine. I have learned to cook some Bolivian foods from my sister in law. We also have a Peruvian friend who continues to teach me how to cook some of those dishes that Jorge loves. It brings Jorge and I closer together when I make the effort to make him feel “at home” in our home.

4. Find ways to compromise, and do what works. As mentioned above, buying a rice cooker was a great solution to my perceived problem of Jorge wanting to eat rice everyday (and me not wanting to cook it). Now he can have his rice and eat it too.

5. Appreciate the positives! Jorge and I will probably never binge on junk food together, but this is a healthy thing for both of us. His attitude that food is for living and not the other way around is a philosophy I would like to have myself. In the meantime, I will be more healthy simply because I am married to him.

Another positive to all this is the rich diversity we have in our lives because of our differences. I really do appreciate the Latin and American mixture that makes up our family. We have a flavor and flair that is different from any other clan I know.

6. Do what works! Find creative ways around the differences about food. As mentioned above, we go out to buffets quite often so we will both have a variety to choose from.

Conclusion

It is important to recognize that intercultural relationships will have some unique issues such as differences in food preferences. To make these relationships successful, it is important that each partner have an open mind, be willing to try new things, adopt their own food culture, and look at the positive things these differences bring into their lives.

If you have experience or advice on this topic, feel free to leave a comment!

Thanks for stopping by! Please come back soon for Part 4 of this series: Cultural Values.

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Introduction

One of the most difficult things an interracial/intercultural couple may face, especially early in the relationship, is disapproval from others. When you are dating and falling in love with somebody, it can be upsetting when others don’t share in your joy. Although society has come a long way in the past 40 years (interracial marriage was illegal in the U.S. until 1967), interracial and intercultural couples still run into social disapproval today. It tends to be more subtle, but obvious to those who are experiencing it. If your goal is to build a long term interracial/intercultural relationship you must learn to deal appropriately with the controversey and criticism surrounding your relationship.

My story

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in regards to this issue. For the most part, I have always had the support of my family regarding my relationship with Jorge. I was nervous to tell my parents that I was dating him. I didn’t need to be… after telling them about Jorge and the qualities I saw in him, they told me “If it’s right, it’s right”. My grandpa did have an initial negative reaction toward our relationship, but after getting to know Jorge, he supported our decision to be together.

I had friends that were not as supportive. Nobody directly expressed disapproval to me. Their disagreement with my choice to date outside my race and culture was subtle, and I was very hurt by it. One day, my roommates and I were engaging in “girl talk”. I said something about Jorge being good looking, and one roommate shot back “he’s attractive for a Bolivian man“. As if a Bolivian man must be qualified as such before being found to be attractive. Other times, I recall friends trying to talk me out of the relationship, for no good reason. One friend suggested to me that I was only dating him to prove that I wasn’t a racist. Give me a break.

In the beginning of our relationship, the disapproval of others had a huge impact on me. I worried about our future in terms of society and the way we would be viewed by others if we were married. I imagined that we would be excluded from groups I would normally be included in. We broke up a few times because of my insecurities and fears along these lines.

As time passed, I became more comfortable with our relationship regardless of the opinions of others. The turning point for me was when I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice …to really hear what my intuition was telling me… that this relationship was something good for me, that I needed to listen to my heart instead of those around me, that it was time for me to follow my hope and faith instead of my fear.

After I had this experience, my skin grew much thicker. I was no longer influenced by the negative opinions of others. I did, and still do, chalk it up to ignorance on their part. The more confident I became, the less negativity I noticed. I don’t know if this is because it disappeared, or because it just no longer affected me the same way. Either way, life got much easier for me at this point.

Cause(s) of Disapproval

If people close to you are against your relationship, explore their concerns to see if it really is the culture/race issue they are opposed to. Unless your family and friends are extremely dysfunctional, they express concern because they love and care about you. It is possible they are seeing something you don’t, that has nothing to do with the race/cultural issues at all. If something else is wrong between you and your partner, don’t stand behind culture/race as an excuse for ignoring the other issues.

If race/culture truly is the fundamental reason you are experiencing disapproval from others, it may help to be aware aware where those feelings most likely stem from. Below are some of the reasons others may be critical of your interracial relationship.

1. Negative Stereotypes: We have all been guilty at times of buying into stereotypes. I have done it myself… when Jorge came to pick me up for our first date, I was expecting him to arrive in some kind of pimped up low rider, with the base pounding (in my area, this is a stereotype of Mexicans. My husband is not Mexican, but I lumped him into the category). Imagine my surprise when he drove up in a conservative Sport Utility Vehicle.

One current hot topic in the U.S. is immigration. If you or your partner is an immigrant to the U.S., and you haven’t already had people say things to you about the Green Card issue (that is, they assume that you are in this relationship just so that one of you can become a legal U.S. resident), you most likely will.

Be patient with the people around you. Realize that they may be wrong, but with time and patience, their views will often change about your partner as they get to know him/her. This change often happens as they see you are both committed to the relationship, and as they witness your happiness and success. One couple shares their experience that illustrates this point:

“After the first couple of years, once our families knew we were in love and were happily committed to each other, they grew to respect and appreciate our relationship. Now, they are entirely supportive, as far as we can tell. I think that familiarity has helped break down the pre-conceived notions our families had about each other. We have no children, but if we choose to in the future, I think they will have 2 sets of very happy grandparents! You just have to be true to yourself, follow your heart, and work together as a team if you face obstacles”. (Click here for more real life interracial couple experiences),

You also need to realize, and accept, that you will always run into people who stereotype you and your partner. You must be able to live with this and be OK with it if your relationship is going to last.

2. Racism/Prejudice:

Racism can be defined as a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races (Oxford English Dictionary).

Prejudice is a product of racism, and can be defined as: Interpersonal hostility that is directed against individuals based on their membership in a minority group .

There are volumes of things that could be said about prejudice and racism, and the role they have played from a historical point of view. If you want to learn more about the history of racism as it pertains to interracial relationships, some good resources are Wikipedia, Loving Day, and Answers.com .

For the sake of this article, I will focus on my own experience with racism as part of an interracial couple (specifically was it relates to social disapproval). As I said before, society has come a long way in the past 40 years. Aside from some fanatical racial supremacy groups out there, prejudice is still alive but not the same way it used to be. At least not in my part of the world. It is very rare to hear anybody openly admit that they consider themselves superior over another race. Racism these days is much more discreet and sometimes hard to identify as such.

I have found that people of the older generations tend to have more of a racist attitude toward minorities than the younger generation. I have not only experienced this personally, but have found that many people I know in interrelationships received the most criticism from their grandparents. The world was a much different place when Grandma and Grandpa were growing up. This reflects in their attitudes toward people of other races, cultures, etc. Sometimes their attitudes change with time, but sometimes they don’t.

This is not to say that older people are always racist, or that young people are never prejudice. But it may be helpful for you to know that it is pretty normal to run against a wall regarding prejudice with the older members of your family.

Just as I said earlier about stereotypes, you need to accept that you will encounter prejudice from others toward your relationship. In some way you must find a way to deal with it so it does not have a negative effect on you or your relationship.

3. Marriage Squeeze

The marriage squeeze refers to the belief that the most eligible and desirable African American men are marrying non-African American women, leaving those African American women who wish to marry African American men with fewer partnering options. Obviously, if African American women are feeling this way, they are going to be upset to see African-American men marrying white (or other race) women. If you are in a relationship with an African American man, and you are not African American, this could be a major source of disapproval from other African American’s (see Wikipedia for further explanation).

Although I have not personally experienced issues related to the concept of “marriage squeeze” in my own relationship, it is worth mentioning as a reason for disapproval of interracial marriage in some cases. I have heard others talk about it, and especially among African American women, it seems to be a hot topic.

4. Genuine and Legitimate Concern:

As mentioned earlier, the people close to you generally express concern because they love and care about you. Rarely do they set out to make your life harder than it already is.

When you are in love it is easy to become blind to reality. Your parents and friends may be able to see clearly that being in an interracial/cultural relationship will include difficulties that you are not anticipating. Guess what… usually they are right! There are things you will deal with in your life together that others don’t have to worry about.

It would probably be useful in getting more support from them if you took off your rose colored glasses (for a minute at least) to acknowledge the truth… that your relationship will have some issues that may be hard to live with. Again, it comes down to being aware of what you are getting into. It is about being able and willing to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. If your parents are having heartburn about your relationship, show them that you are educating yourself and preparing in every way you can to be successful. This may not alleviate all of their stress and negativity, but it can go a long way in showing them you are an adult, and that you are mature enough to make this kind of decision for yourself.

Finding Peace Through Following Your Intuition

I cannot stress enough about the value of tapping into your intuition as a way to be able to handle the disapproval of others. If you are at peace with yourself and your decisions, it is much easier to let the criticism of others take its proper place. It is difficult to be at war with yourself and at the same time, at war with the world. In interracial/cultural relationships, it is especially important that you be 100% sure about how you feel. It will be so much easier for you to accept that others disagree with you, and be OK with it.

Conclusion

When you find somebody you love, and want to share your life with, criticism and disapproval from others about your relationship can be very upsetting. As an interracial/intercultural couple, you are most likely going to experience this. Knowing the reasons behind the disapproval is empowering and enables you to deal with it in an appropriate way. Tuning into and following your intuition is the most important step you can take toward being confident in the decisions you are making, and therefore, being able to handle the disapproval of others.

If you have any personal experiences or insights to share about the topic discussed in this article, please leave comments!

As always, be sure to check back soon for article #4 in this series: Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences.

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Communication Issues

Good communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship. For a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, effective communication is generally more challenging than it would be if you had similar backgrounds.

It is important that you realize you will have to work harder at this aspect of your marriage than people in like-cultured unions. Here are some strategies for achieving more effective communication across cultural/language barriers:

1- Don’t discuss important matters by phone (if there are native language differences). Misunderstandings happen much more frequently over the telephone than they do in person; body language and other cues are not there to assist you in interpreting what the other person is saying. This is not to say that you should never communicate via phone… that would be ridiculous. It is to say that if you really need to discuss an important topic, it may be better to have your conversation in person.

2. Be open and willing to tell your partner if you are not understanding what he/she is trying to say. I cannot tell you how many times problems have come up in my marriage because we haven’t done this. In those situations, if one or both of us had been more assertive and asked for clarification, we could have avoided huge misunderstandings. Good communciation techniques , such as restating what you heard, can be very helpful here.

3. Lose the knee jerk reactions. There have been many times my husband and I have become extremely offended by each other, and in the end, it really all boiled down to cultural/language differences. Words hold different weight and meaning inside different cultures and languages. If your partner says something that is deeply offensive to you, it is important to understand the intent of the comment. It is also important to understand the meaning within the context of their culture. It requires self control and discipline to step back when you have been offended to sort these things out, instead of giving in to your instant reaction.

4. Don’t play stupid when it comes to language differences. Don’t try to get out of doing something by pretending you did not understand your partner. This is highly annoying and will not be appreciated when your significant other catches on to your deceit!

As stated in #3, if you truly do not understand what your partner is saying, be honest, and communicate about it. Don’t use language issues to manipulate the situation.

5. Learn as much as you can about the native language of your partner. Learn to speak the language if you have the opportunity. I feel somewhat hypocritical making this suggestion, as I have been married for 6 years and still don’t speak Spanish fluently. I am familiar with many words and phrases. I have spent enough time listening to my husband speak spanish to others that I am often able to understand what he is talking about. But I have not yet taken the time or made the effort to actually become fluent in the language. This is a future goal of mine.

6. Learn as much as you can about the cultural context of language pertaining to your partner. Understand that words embedded in the culture of one country often have no precise equivalents in the language of another.

The anthropologist Edward Hall points out: “No two languages are alike; some are so dissimilar that they force the speaker into two different images of reality.” For an American, the word “lunch” may suggest a ham and cheese sandwich and a diet coke, while for a Russian, “obed” points to a salad, soup, meat, fried potatoes, and dessert. It takes a knowledge of both language and culture to provide an accurate reflection of the true meaning behind the words.

As the Japanese say, you have to understand not only the words, but also the silence between them (obtained from Russian=English Translating Services).

6. If you do not speak the same native language, the way you likely communicate is because you or your partner has learned the native language of the other. In my case, my husband learned English (before we met), but Spanish is native to him. He has a thick accent, and he makes some grammatical errors. If you or your partner learned the second language past childhood, this is probably the case for you/them as well.

It is essential that you treat your partner with dignity. This is especially true when he/she doesn’t speak your common language perfectly. It is important to establish guidelines that you both feel comfortable with when it comes to correcting your partner. This is a highly sensitive issue that requires intuition and good timing. You should always aim to treat your spouse with the highest degree of respect, and never humiliate because of language difficulties.

Conclusion:

Effective communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship, regardless of race or culture. As a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, communication issues will generally present unique challenges to your relationship. Being aware of this and taking steps to reduce the negative impact is essential in building a successful relationship.

The information given in this article is not exhaustive. Please feel free to leave comments with your own experience and advice on this topic.

Don’t forget to check back soon for Part #3 of this series: “Disapproval of Others”.

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

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All relationships come with problems. The nature of those unpleasant realities are diverse and unique to each couple. Interracial/cultural marriages have some issues that directly and indirectly arise because of the racial and cultural differences.

If you are like me, you did not go out and plan to get involved with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background. I didn’t even consider dating my husband at first, because I didn’t envision having a long term relationship with somebody who seemed so different from myself. Finally, because of his persistence, I decided to go on a date with him just so he would stop bugging me. During that date, I started to like him, and the rest is history.

If you are currently in a relationship with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background, this series is geared to help you educate yourself regarding special issues you may face. Before you decide to make a long term commitment in such a relationship, it is important that you are aware of the issues that may come along with it. With that awareness, it is important that you accept these challenges with a willingness and commitment to deal with them. If you are not willing to accept these issues into your life, perhaps you are in the wrong relationship.

The Interracial/Intercultural Marriage Series is designed to educate you and give you the tools to be successful in your relationship. This information will be given in a series of articles. Some of the issues that will be addressed are:

• Communication
• Social Disapproval
• Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences
• Cultural Values

Each of these topics will have an article that will be posted throughout the next couple of weeks… Make sure to come back soon!

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

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