Plain Advice

It’s been a few weeks since my last post, and there are some who have been giving me a hard time for the “blogging drought”! (*wink wink* you know who you are). There are also others who have expressed genuine concern via e-mail, wondering if something is terribly wrong in my life. Let me assure all you loyal Plain Advice readers that this lull is only temporary. I still have lots to say and I intend to say it all!

About 3 weeks ago my husband and I decided that we were going to embark on an exciting and stressful journey… building a new house! Ever since we made the decision, I have been a bit preoccupied with all the details going into such an endeavor. Wow, I never knew all the decisions that went into creating a new home. We have chosen a builder that gives basic floor plans to choose from, which helps narrow some things down. But still, there are still lots of choices to be made, such as where to put the kitchen, bathrooms, countertops, cabinets, flooring, appliances, fixtures, …. the list seems to never end.

The builder we decided on is developing communities in several cities that surround our current location. We initially chose a lot in a neighborhood that was close to our extended family, and otherwise felt like a good place to live. However, we realized after about a week that it was really stretching our budget to get the house we wanted in this particular neighborhood.

We shopped around the other communities and found that for about $30K less, we could build a home that was considerably larger and more upgraded in a neighboring community (about 20 minutes south of our initial choice). We impulsively signed the papers and moved our lot to this new location.

My husband immediately felt uncomfortable about the decision. We both chalked it up to him not liking the piece of land we chose in the new community, so we decided we would change it the next day (different lot in that same development). I took a Unisom (hadn’t slept well since we made the decision to build…) and so I became numb to any and all emotion until morning. When I woke up, I felt sick to my stomach and uneasy about the decision we had made the night before.

Jorge and I discussed our uneasy feelings and decided that we should listen to our gut reactions. Within a few days, we made a firm decision to move back to the former neighborhood and build a smaller home. With this decision came peace in our hearts and and confidence to move forward.

The reason I share this experience is because it is a real life (simple)example of following intuition. I don’t know why we felt so much better about one neighborhood over another, and perhaps we will never know. But deciding where to move and raise our children is a really big decision, that will affect their lives in really big ways. I feel sure that we made the best decision we possibly could, because my intuition has never guided me in a direction I regretted.

It’s also a bonus to have a spouse who had the same intutive feelings that I did about this major decision.

When have you made decisions based on your gut feeling, and what was the outcome? I would love to see some discussion going on about this in the comments.

Again, loyal readers, I am sorry for being missing in action for several weeks. It’s good to be back!

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I have had something on my mind for quite some time, and thought about addressing it here on my blog for awhile now. I apologize for the break in my current series , but today, I feel particularly inspired to write and share my thoughts with you about another topic. I am feeling the urgency of the message I have to share.

Parenting in today’s world presents a myriad of challenges that are relatively new to our day and age. I could make a long list here but I won’t, because one issue stands out to me as the most frightening…

Drugs.

The Deepest Fear of Parents

I don’t know you, but if you are a parent, I assume we have something in common. Our worst fear is losing our children, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually. When I learn of children who have been kidnapped, murdered, abused, or otherwise violated, I often end up putting myself mentally into the shoes of the mother of that child. When I do this, and truly imagine those things happening to my son or daughter, I want to go to my kids, scoop them into my arms, and never ever let them out of my sight. I want to lock them in a room until they are old enough to protect themselves from danger. My children are my greatest blessing and my greatest responsibilty. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, because this is the nature of a parent.

As a social worker, I have worked with many, many drug addicts. I have watched as their drug(s) of choice dictated to them that they were no longer free to be responsible, hold a job, be healthy in their relationships, or take care of their kids. I have watched many of them struggle through treatment only to relapse over and over again. I know some have managed to become clean and sober. They tell me that their addiction continues to be a daily battle. I feel pain and compassion on behalf of those who live with this burden.

“Get Them Hooked Before They Know Any Better”

Most people I know who are drug addicted started before they reached adulthood. Drugs are marketed to our children and teenagers. This is a truly clever technique of those doing the marketing. They know that full grown, mature individuals will be unlikely to experiment with harmful substances. But catch them when they are young, trying to find their place in the world, caring so much about what their peers think and wanting to fit in. Get them to just “try it”, and many times, you’ve got a customer for life. That’s right people, for life. Which, as it turns out, isn’t statistically very long for an addict. Have you ever heard the saying that you rarely see an old addict? There’s a reason for that.

Although it is true that some people can merely experiment with drugs and then leave them alone, you never know which kind of person you are until the potential damage is done. If you happen to be the person who has a predisposition to become a raging alcoholic, it can happen the first time you drink.

As a parent, I am scared. Imagine your child is the one who gives tries drugs “a few times” because of peer pressure, and ends up battling an addiction for life. Even worse, imagine the police knocking on your front door, notifying you that your teenager was found dead from an accidental overdose.

Turn Fear into Action

Being scared alone won’t save our children. But if being scared nudges us to take action against this terrible epidemic, then fear is useful. Taking steps to prevent our kids from falling into the traps of addiction is the only line of defense we have as parents. We must take the threat very seriously, and do everything we can to counter it.

I will not pretend to be the all knowing expert on how to raise drug free kids. I feel awkward discussing these issues with my 5 year old, but I feel I must, even though he is young. The reasons I have already approached the topic with him are two-fold; First, children are being approached with drugs at younger and younger ages. I don’t want to wait until it’s too late.

More importantly, I want to establish a pattern of open communication. Intuitively, I know that having a close relationship with open and honest interactions between parent and child is probably one of the most important factors in helping him or her navigate succesfully the many dangers of growing up, especially drugs.

The Importance of Family Meals

One thing that has been specifically found to decrease the likelihood of teenage substance abuse is having frequent family dinners together. A study done by CASA found that “compared to teens who have frequent family dinners (five or more per week), those who have infrequent family dinners (two or fewer) are three and a half times likelier to have abused prescription drugs; three and a half times likelier to have used an illegal drug other than marijuana or prescription drugs; three times likelier to have used marijuana; more than two and a half times likelier to have used tobacco; and one and a half times likelier to have drunk alcohol”.

Elizabeth Planet, project manager for the study, says “parental engagement is key to reducing teen substance abuse risk and one of the simplest and most effective ways for parents to be engaged in their teens’ lives is by having frequent family dinners. Parents need to know that what their kids really want at the dinner table is them.”

Is it easy to have family dinners five or more times per week? No, and it is unlikely to happen unless a conscious effort is made. In today’s fast paced world, the family seems to be running in all directions. It is true in my home, and I know I’m not alone. In spite of the difficulties, if it is an important factor in keeping my kids safe, then it is a challenge worth meeting.

Is family dinner alone going to keep our kids off drugs? Probably not. However, a family who eats together comes with a lot of other positive things. Parents in those types of families are more likely to know where their children are in the evenings. They are more likely to talk (if even just over dinner). They are more likely to see warning signs before it is too late, simply because they are actually sitting and looking across the table at their child everyday.

I am not waiting until my little ones grow into teenagers to start having frequent family dinners. By the time you reach that point, patterns and habits have been established. It is important to start early so your children always know they are expected at your dinner table.

My 19 year old stepson took notice a few days ago that we have been eating together more often lately. He made the comment, “Brooke, since you started cooking more,  we seem to be a happier family”.

I think he’s right.

Parents, educate yourself about the realities your children are facing. Encourage them to talk. Try not to freak out when they tell you things that do freak you out. Find ways to stay close to them. Make your home a safe and inviting place, where your children like to be and want to bring their friends. Eat meals together. Be with them as they navigate the dangers that exist because of their vulnerabilities.

Keeping our kids drug free should be one of the highest priorities for all parents.

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Have you ever done something really stupid? Of course you have! Is there someone you can think of who knows about that stupid thing you did, but somehow, in spite of it, they still respect you, love you, and show you that they know you are valuable? Chances are you have at least one friend or family member who sees the “real” you, the “good” you through all the mistakes and stupid things you do in your life.

The type of relationship described above illustrates one of “unconditional positive regard”. The term was coined by Carl Rogers, an influential American psychologist who was one of the founders of the humanistic approach to psychology in the mid 1900’s. In using the term, Rogers was referring to a relationship between a therapist and patient. However, I find the concept to be valuable in all my relationships.

Although the term was coined by Carl Rogers, the concept was certainly not invented by him. Even if you are not Christian, you can see in the life of Jesus that his unconditional positive regard toward people is something that drew people to him. He notoriously showed love and respect to those who were shunned by society as sinners. There are many other examples of people in history who have been known for showing this type of love and respect. These people often became great leaders because of the way they interacted with others.

The relationships in which we are free to show our unattractive sides, along with our virtues, are the most valuable relationships in our lives. My closest friends are those with whom I can talk about anything, and know that they will be able to continue to accept me and see my worth. Feeling accepted and validated despite our lack our inadequacies is empowering, and generally tends to make us want to be better.

Accepting the Person vs Accepting the Behavior

Does having unconditional positive regard toward somebody mean that we condone or agree with their negative behaviors? Absolutely not. As a child welfare social worker, I am constantly in contact with people who have subjected their children to situations that I am extremely opposed to. However, I am still able to maintain an unconditional positive regard toward those people, and have productive and positive relationships with them.

Usually, mothers are good examples when it comes to having unconditional positive regard toward their children. Look at those prisoners who have been found guilty of murder, who sit on death row. Who do you think still loves those people, and continues to see the good in them? In most cases, it is their mothers. Do those mothers condone the behavior of killing other people? The answer is obvious… of course they don’t.

However, a mother is able to look back to her child as an innocent, sweet new baby, and as a child. She remembers the good things about that person. Often, she is the one who knows the struggles and trials her child has faced in life, that may have contributed to their dysfunction. Ultimately, she is able to extract value even from that person for which others can see no redeeming quality. This is the type of thinking we must strive for if we are to have unconditional positive regard for others.

When you can look at a person through the eyes of unconditional positive regard, you are on your way to becoming a respected and trusted person in their life. Holding such a position allows you to build closer, more engaging relationships, where you are able to express yourself freely and honestly while maintaining those relationships.

Stay tuned for the next article in this series aimed at helping you develop more positive and engaging relationships; Being Honest and Giving Full Disclosure.

If you haven’t already, you may want to consider subscribing to my RSS feed. Don’t know what RSS is? Click here to learn more!

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So you want to be able to speak your mind without making enemies? In the introduction to this series, I listed 5 ways that I interact with others. I identify these methods of interaction as the reason I am able to maintain positive relationships under some of the most difficult circumstances.

If you are seeking to build a positive and engaging relationship, showing genuine concern for the other person is paramount, and it is the first method of interaction that will be discussed.

The most basic thing that must happen as you show genuine concern for another is that you feel what you are trying to show. You can fake it all you want, but unless your feelings are authentic, all the nice things in the world you say or do won’t be received as real. On the other hand, as you do grow to care about a person, your emotions will illicit genuine expressions of those feelings.

Feeling and showing genuine concern for others comes more naturally to some than to others. For this reason, it is quite challenging to try to teach somebody how to care and how to show they care in a way that is genuine.

In spite of the challenge in teaching this skill, there are some basic things you can do that will help you build the ability to feel and demonstrate genuine concern for others:

1. Decide that people matter, that each human being is valuable, regardless of what condition he or she might be in at the moment.

2. Use your own experiences in life to become more attuned to the problems of people you come in contact with. Make connections in your heart and mind between your life and theirs. This will help you develop empathy. Emotions and sensations felt by you in one situation are similar to the feelings others experience in their lives. When you are able to draw parallels between your experiences and those of others, your love and concern for them will naturally grow.

3. Give service to the person you want to feel genuine concern for. This is not the same as “faking” that you care, but is a genuine gesture of wanting to care more. Helping somebody has a miraculous way of helping you connect with that person.

The concept of love and service being intertwined is built into us on a biological level. One of the reasons parents love their children so much is because they give so much of themselves for their child… their bodies, their sleep, their time, their money, their nice furniture

4. Listen. Until you really listen, chances are you aren’t even getting a glimpse at the genuine person you are dealing with. Hear what they are saying, and then go back to Step #2, and work on developing empathy.

The steps listed above are powerful. If sincerely applied in your relationships, these things will help you grow genuine concern in your heart for others. Once you feel it, demonstrating your feelings with sincerity will come easily.

With this skill under your belt, you have taken a huge step toward having positive and engaging relationships with others. In these types of relationships, you will be able to honestly speak your mind without alienating and disengaging most people.

Check back soon for the next article in this series: “Having Unconditional Positive Regard for Others”. If you haven’t already, subscribe to my RSS feed! Don’t know what RSS is? Click here to find out more!

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Recently, I was walking through my office when I saw a quote hanging on the cubicle of a co-worker.

“Got enemies? Good! That means that sometime in your life, you have been willing to stand up for something you believe in!”

The quote sounds great and noble at face value. But guess what? I think its NONSENSE. Having enemies is absolutely NOT a necessary result of speaking your mind and standing up for what you believe in.

I am a social worker. I have to do some things in my line of work that make people pretty mad. I have removed newborn babies from mothers straight from the hospital, to put them in foster care. Being a mother, I have some idea of how angry this must make a new mom.

I have gone into court many times to testify against parents, witnessing that they are unfit to ever have their child return to them. At times I have been the key witness, with the end result being permanent termination of parental rights to their children. Devastating.

If there was ever a reason to hate somebody, I would think the parents sitting at the defense table have a legitimate reason to hate me. Separating parents and children is very serious business, and something I never take lightly.

The strange thing is, I don’t think I have an enemy among any of the the parents I have worked with. In fact, I don’t think there is a person in the world that views me as their enemy.

Have people been mad at me? Sure. Mad enough to hate me for a time? Of course. But when all is said and done, I think most people who know me will acknowledge that I am a decent person, who never wanted to hurt them or their families.

(As a disclaimer, there is the occasional paranoid schizophrenic who develops some type of conspiracy theory about me… but in their more lucid moments, even these types can still acknowledge that I am not out to get them).

Do you want to know how I am able to “stand up for something” that is so emotionally upsetting to those I am standing up against, without creating enemies? Here are a few key points that I have identified about my interactions with others.

1. Feeling and demonstrating genuine concern for people
2. Having an unconditional positive regard for people
3. Being honest and giving full disclosure
4. Giving others the benefit of the doubt
5. Being able to admit to my mistakes

The five steps above will be covered in-depth, as I explore each one in a series of articles.

One of my greatest strengths, as a social worker and as a human, is the way I am able to engage with others. Please join me as I share this strength to help you in your own interactions with the world.

Please check back soon, or better yet, subscribe to my RSS feed so you can read the newest articles as soon as they are published!

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Vivien at Inspiration Bit recently collaborated a group writing project, with the focus being on Time Management.  Thanks to Vivien for compiling the following list of great reads, including recently posted Plain Advice article “A Routine Shall Set You Free“.   You are sure to find some useful tips for managing your time in the resources listed, if you can only find the time to read them!

Enjoy!

1. All For Time and Time For All: The 10 Commandments of Time Management by Simonne
2. Lessons in Time Management by Em Dy
3. Guru Natalie weighs in on Time Management by Natalie
4. 9 Reasons to Wake Up Early by Y.Graf
5. Time Management For Bloggers and Photographers by Brian
6. Manage time by sorting your blog comments in 6 ways by Bes
7. My Troubles With Time Management by Ronald
8. It’s URGENT, Urgent I say… but is it? by Marques
9. Time Management: Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Jenny Mcb
10. Time Management - Don’t put Everything off until later by TeaMouse
11. 8 Work At Home Time Management Strategies by Char
12. Time, Time, Time by WG
13. Thoughts On Managing A Precious Resource by Ajay
14. Time Management - tackling K2
15. Time Management Tips for Using Email
16. Stress Can Be Good by Lauren Mari
17. Secrets To Successful Time Management by Gleb Reys
18. 3 simple time management tips by Carey
19. How I manage time between blogging and studies by Shankar
20. Better living through sticky notes by Lisa
21. How I Manage My Time by Keith
22. 6 Essential Time Management Strategies by Randa
23. Time Management: Managing Large Multi-User Projects by Jennifer
24. A Routine Shall Set You Free by Brooke
25. Supercharge Your Job Search by Saving Time by Jacob
26. Time Makes Me Cuckoo by Shelley
27. 11 Time Management Tips - How I manage Work and Blog by Ashish
28. Simple Tips for Managing Time by Pearl
29. Strategies for Effective Time Management by Janie
30. Time management: the un-techniques by Peter
31. dIstressed or dEstressed? by Em Dy
32. Freelancing And Time Management by Tara
33. Internet Is The Devil In Disguise by Vivien

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1. Recognize the negative ways holding a grudge will hurt you. Write these things down if it will help you become motivated to forgive.

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die”

2. Decide that you are willing to forgive. The important thing here is to be willing…loosening that deathgrip you have on your anger. You haven’t let it go yet, but you are willing, if someone would show you how.

3. Express your willingness to forgive out loud. Express it to the person who has hurt you, if possible.

Immediately following the school shootings in the Pennsylvania Amish Community, the parents said to the shooters family “We will forgive you”. Does this mean they had no anger? Does it indicate they were tranquil and at peace with the tragic deaths of their young daughters? I don’t think so.

Their expression simply meant they were willing to forgive.

4. Serve the person you are trying to forgive. If you are unable to directly serve him or her, pray or hope that others will be able to help them in the ways you cannot.

5. Give your anger to a higher power. Let justice come to the person who hurt you through the law, God, or whatever your Higher Power might be.

6. It’s OK to remember how you were hurt; doing so will help you act with wisdom and knowledge in the future. Forgiving does not always equal forgetting. It is about letting go of the anger and bitterness associated with your memories.

7. Realize that forgiveness is not always a linear process. You may need to go through one or more of these steps several times before you are truly free from your anger. Be patient with yourself. Again, the most important aspect of this process is your willingness to forgive (Step #2)..

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I have a friend who is living under a heavy load of debt. Her husband is self employed and they are struggling to keep their heads above water. The creditors are calling incessantly, and my friend is playing the choosing game… groceries or pay the credit card? I know that alot of her daily stress is attached to the financial problems she is having.

This friend told me today that an opportunity has come up for her family to receive free housing for up to 2 years. This would mean she could

• Sell the house
• Get enough cash from the sale to pay the debts
• Possibly get enough cash above and beyond what is owed in debt for a decent down payment on another house
• Save $1000 on mortgage/rent payments every month,which could be saved toward the down payment on a new house
• Because the debt is payed off, she saves $700/month (so we are at $1700 savings/month from their current expenses)
• My friend and her husband have a chance to rebuild their credit, which has taken quite a beating lately
• Most importantly, there would finally be a light at the end of the debt and bad credit tunnel

Sounds like a no-brainer, huh?

Here is where it gets tough for my friend.

• The house she would be living in, rent free, belongs to her mother (who doesn’t currently live in the home)
• Her mom is known to be extremely picky about the cleanliness of the house, the maintenance of the yard, etc. My friend enjoys the freedom of dictating her own cleanliness standards (of course… who doesn’t?)
• My friend is worried about feeling like a child instead of an adult, always having her mom to answer to when it comes to the home.
• Her mom may not allow them to have their dogs in the house.
• My friend would be moving to new school boundaries, so her kids would have to change schools.
• The kitchen is small
• She doesn’t like the wallpaper

Are these concerns valid? Yes. But the question I posed to my friend is one I think it is worth asking ourselves whenever we resist the opportunities for change in our lives:

“Is not living in your mom’s house, not having to answer to her for a year or two, not being able to have your dogs in the house, not having to move your kids to a new school, not having the small kitchen and ugly wallpaper worth staying in your current financial situation long term?” Of course, when posed that way, the question is pretty easy to answer.

This is not only about my friends situation. This same question can be posed about a variety of things.

“Is eating a donut (pizza, icecream, whatever…) whenever I feel like it worth continuing to experience all the problems that result from being overweight?”

“Is avoiding failure by never trying anything new worth the opportunities that I might miss out on if I were willing to take a risk?”

“Is not having to deal with the pain that talking about my childhood may invoke worth possibly never healing from those things I keep hidden?”

I think you probably get the idea.

When opportunity knocks, there are always excuses not to welcome it with open arms. There will always be a downside that you won’t want to deal with.

Before letting these “negatives” dictate your decision, make sure you weigh the value of staying in your comfort zone, as opposed to the value of what you might gain if you were to take the opportunity. Sometimes it is this shift in perspective that will help you take a much needed leap.

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Today I was talking to a friend who writes a parenting blog. My friend is an amazing parent, who I learn from all the time. On her blog, she shares wonderful insights and advice with her readers.

During our conversation, my friend told me that a few days ago, she told her child to “shut up” in a moment of anger. She was obviously disappointed in herself for descending to this level with her child. She said “I can’t blog. I can’t even do what I am teaching others to do”.

My response to her was “that’s ridiculous. Of course you can still blog. Nobody follows their own advice 100% of the time. It’s impossible”. She said “well, that’s true, even Steve Pavlina couldn’t stick to his polyphasic sleeping forever”

I really believe what I told my friend to be true. And its not only true of bloggers, its true of everybody. Does the fact that you don’t always eat your own vegetables mean you shouldn’t tell your kids to do it? If road rage occasionally gets the best of you (guilty!), does that mean you shouldn’t teach patience? Of course not!

Nobody is perfect, and I mean nobody. I think I give a lot of good plain advice on this site (pun intended), but I hope nobody is under the impression that I follow my own advice all the time.

For example, this past weekend I was extremely lazy. I washed the laundry but let it pile up to a big wrinkly mess. It wasn’t until Sunday night that I folded it all, and the last load is still sitting in the dryer. Just exactly what I said I was done doing.

I am not always sensitive to the cultural differences between myself and my husband. Sometimes I am extremely selfish and insensitive. Just ask him. Does that mean I was wrong about the advice I have put out there for intercultural couples? Does that mean it isn’t true?

The truth is that if you had to be perfect at something to teach it, nobody could ever be a teacher. So cut yourself, and everybody else, some slack. It’s OK to mess up. It’s expected. The difference between being a hypocrite or not is in the way you live your life most of the time. It is whether or not you sincerely believe the things you teach are true. When you do break your own rules, it is caring, and wanting to do better next time.

So keep writing, my friend. And I will too.

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In my last post I mentioned how I prefer not to deal with today’s dirty dishes tomorrow morning (who does?) This one little statement got me thinking:

One of the major causes of burnout in any area of life is constantly working today to clean up the messes you created yesterday .

Keep in mind that the dish thing, while true, is really just a symbol of some much deeper issues. Because it is so simple to understand though, it will be referenced throughout this article.

First of all, lets define burnout. In searching through several dictionaries, the following seems to capture what each of them say;

Burnout; exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration (Merriam-Webster).

Throughout the various definitions, prolonged stress is consistently referenced as the cause of burnout. So, what is it that cause the “prolonged stress”?

There are many origins for ongoing stress; relationship issues, prolonged illness of self or a loved one, trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations… etc. As a social worker, I have seen many co-workers (myself included) experience burnout; the work is too emotionally draining, not enough time and resources for all that needs to be done (unrealistic expectations), and lack of appropriate boundaries.

And then there is consistent procrastination and the consequences it brings with it.

An extreme example is the case of a long term drug user, who finally decides to enter recovery. The difficulty is two pronged. One side is managing the addiction itself, both physically and psychologically. The other part, which is often the most challenging, is that the person in recovery now has to deal with all the messes he or she created, and effectively avoided by using the drugs. Relationships, physical health, finances, legal issues, etc. are all common messes that the individual now has to face.

Another example is the person who is always in financial crisis. My own credit issues of the past were in large part created due to procrastination… I was not dealing with things when they needed to be handled. As time passed, I found myself living with more and more stress as I was constantly trying to put out financial fires. I would then become burned out from dealing with the crises, and take a break from thinking about it, only to procrastinate more of the things needing to be done. This cycle repeated over and over… All of this would have been avoided had I dealt with my debts as I created them.

If you are suffering from burnout, take a look and see if you are constantly “living in the past”. Are you always trying to clean up your messes from yesterday? What causes long term stress more than constantly putting out fires from days, weeks, and years before?

Unlike many of the other causes of prolonged stress, this is one you actually have control over.

How would it feel to be working on today’s messes today? How would it be to wake up tomorrow with a clean slate, without feeling dragged down by the problems you created in the past?

Living creates messes, and that’s inevitable. Clean them up as you go. Pretending they don’t exist only makes them get bigger. Pretending there are no dirty dishes will never make them go away. And the next time you eat and pretend they aren’t there, the pile will only get bigger.

Do yourself a favor… wash your dishes soon after using them. Remember to clean up all your other messes as you go. You’ll be glad you did.

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