Plain Advice

A few days ago, Aymee at My Rad Kid posted an article titled “The Power of a Routine”. While Aymee’s discussion is focused toward helping parents with kids who have Reactive Attachment Disorder , the article is helpful to any parent, and for that matter, any human being.

Like Aymee, I tend to avoid structure and routine. I want to be free, free, free to do what I want, any old time. This is truly the root of most of the things I have struggled with in the past (weight, bad credit , you get the picture…)

All of my adult life I have struggled with keeping my house consistently clean and running smoothly. I have 2 small (and 1 not so small) children at home, a husband who is very busy with multiple jobs and school, and a job of my own (besides my obvious mom/wife jobs). The usual pattern that I have fallen into over the years is:

1. Cleaning everything to sparkling perfection
2. Getting busy and overwhelmed, putting the house on the backburner, avoiding the things that need to be done on a daily basis to maintain order
3. The messier the house gets, the harder it is to muster up the energy to clean
4. I feel lethargic and frustrated anytime I am home
5. The house becomes so chaotic and messy after awhile that I can’t take it anymore
6. I realize I can’t live like this
7. Here comes the blast of energy to clean again, and the cycle starts over.

A wise woman (my mom) has told me time and time again to “make it a habit to wash your dishes, make your bed, and pick up clutter everyday”. With this advice she promised me I would feel better in my home, even if it wasn’t perfectly clean (she tells me this is what her mother taught her, too). I tend to forget this advice due to the screaming in my head telling me that everything needs to be done to perfection, or it’s not worth doing.

I recently realized the following things;

• Perfection is impossible, including when it comes to having a clean house. At least until I can hire a full time maid who will follow each family member around and promptly clean up our messes.
• My “all or nothing” approach to housecleaning meant I was spending way too much time when I finally did get to the “all” part. It would take a whole day or two just to get my house back in working order after ignoring the basics for awhile. The longer I put off the task, the more I dreaded and avoided it, and the more frustrated I would get. Pretty overwhelming.
• Demanding a perfectly clean house causes me to lose focus on the things that really matter… I get tunnel vision and feel like I need to clean anytime I am home.
• A “perfectly” clean house is not much fun for kids to live in, nor is a mom very much fun who only worries about keeping it clean.
• On the other hand, it is important to my sanity to live in a home that is tidy and maintained. I become very irritable when the house starts to fall apart. And when momma ain’t happy… well, you know the rest.
• “All of the above” applies to other parts of my life that I am seeking to improve. (Isn’t it amazing how we often carry the same behavior patterns throughout many of our life experiences? More on this later).

Over the past few weeks I decided to try something new. Something that would help me maintain the house on a daily basis, vs going through my crazy cycle. My plan also had to help me to cope with messes that did arise during the day, and take them in stride.

My first idea was to hire that full time live in maid I mentioned earlier. Then I decided that would not only be expensive, but also a little uncomfortable and annoying.

So my second thought was to come up with a routine (remember, the thing I try to avoid?) that would work for me . And I found my perfect solution! Here is what I have been doing for the past 3 weeks:

1. Every evening I clean my kitchen (complete with sweeping and mopping), pick up and put away clutter, and vacuum the living area. My kids pick up their books and toys while I am doing this.
2. I have antibacterial wipes in the bathrooms to clean up messes as they happen.
3. I fold and put away laundry the same day it comes out of the dryer to keep it from turning into that mountain where all our clothes disappear into a wrinkled mess.
4. Every Friday I set aside approximately 2-3 hours to deep clean bathrooms, spot clean carpet, dust, and do the majority of the laundry. If the fridge needs to be cleaned (or similar tasks) this is the time to do it.

What a difference my small routines are making in my life! For example:

• It is pleasant and invigorating to wake up to a clean house. My mind feels calm and organized. The morning rush feels much less rushed. There is nothing worse than waking up to deal with yesterdays crusty dirty dishes (OK, maybe some things are worse, but it’s still not pleasant).
• As the day progresses, I am able to tolerate the messes that come along, because I know before bedtime they will be cleaned up.
• Instead of spending an entire day cleaning, I am only using 30 minutes every night and 2-3 hours on Fridays.
• Anyone can stop by anytime, and I don’t have to be embarassed about the condition of my house.

Remember how I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I do not like structure and routine because they are too restricting? “Cause I’m free to do what I want, any old time?”

Guess what? My cleaning routine is not restricting me at all. Rather, I am more free while living within a routine. More free to enjoy my life, without obsessing over the status of my house.

Following effective routines can give you more freedom in any area of your life. How could implementing a routine give you more freedom?

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While the intelligent use of instant gratification can help you reach your goals, there is no doubt that the use of delayed gratification is also a necessary part in reaching any worthy aspiration.

While usually considered “the right thing to do”, delayed gratification usually gets a bad rap for the discomfort it can impose. While people often dread “delaying” the things they want, they often overlook a hidden value inherent in this principle. In addition to bringing you closer to the results you want, implementing delayed gratification can also help you experience increased pleasure in your daily activities.

For example:

Doesn’t it feel great to drift off to sleep when you are dead tired?

How about being chilled to the bone and stepping into a warm shower?

Doesn’t your favorite food taste more delicious than usual when you haven’t had it in awhile?

During the labor and delivery of my firstborn, I became extremely thirsty. The protocol in my hospital was to limit food and drinks to a laboring mother, as contents in the stomach can be dangerous should a c-section or other osurgery become necessary. The nurses allowed me to have a small ration of ice chips hourly. My ration never seemed like enough. I was constantly waiting for the next amount to be measured out. After laboring for about 8 hours, I was rushed in for an emergency c-section (good thing they had the protocol!). It was another couple of hours before I was back in my room and able to have a drink (by the way, I acknowledge that many women have had much longer labor than this!)

When I was finally allowed a real drink, the nurse brought me a can of Sprite and a cup of ice. I remember vividly as the Sprite poured into my mouth, down my throat, and quenched my thirst. It was the most delicious and refreshing beverage I had ever experienced.

For months following the birth of my son, I drank a lot of Sprite. I bought it by the case. It was OK, but I was never able to enjoy it the same way I did right after giving birth. Why? The answer is obvious. The increased pleasure I experienced drinking the Sprite was due to the fact that I was very thirsty. I had delayed the quenching of my thirst (not by choice, but hey, that’s not the point ).

If you dread dieting, budgeting, rising early, or doing anything else that comes with it a requirement of delayed gratification, consider making a conscious shift in your paradigm.

Instead of focusing on the discomfort that comes from depriving you from what you want (ie “dieting allows me less freedom with food”), focus on the long and short term pleasures that come from delaying pleasure (ie “dieting will help me lose weight, and not only that. Dieting will also help me enjoy the food I do eat even more).

In the short term, your pleasure will actually be heightened as you moderate yourself. Focusing on this aspect of delayed gratification will make it easier to stick to your daily goals that will eventually bring you to the results you want to see.

Have something to say? Please, leave a comment!

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Today is the day the world remembers the tragedy that happened on U.S. soil 6 years ago.

My heart goes out to those who lost a loved one in the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. My heart goes out to all those who have lost their sons, daughters, husbands, wives, mothers and fathers to the military efforts currently in progress. My heart goes out to anybody who has experienced any loss. My heart goes out.

I wrote a few weeks ago about Miles Levin , a young man who recently died of cancer. During his illness, he became an inspiration to a large audience as he posted his thoughts and feelings about life on his online journal. Since he passed, his mother continues to write daily. I appreciate her words, and can feel her grief. As a social worker, I am drawn to people in pain, and wish to understand how to help them heal. Today in particular, her comments particularly touched me and I would like to share them with you.

All of us at some time or another encounter grief and loss. Most of the time, we see it from a distance. A co-worker, neighbor or friend loses somebody and we don’t know how to help. What can you do when someone you know is going through this? Here is some insight from Miles’ mom:

So….the (obvious) question is: what IS a helpful response to someone who has just had the unthinkable happen? I don’t know the answer. I, like others who are in that situation, wish I did… I do have some thoughts on it, which I’m going to share here, but ultimately, it’s for each to find - out of authenticity - a genuine response.

First let me offer my thinking about why the “platitudes” don’t work. They don’t work because they are words, and no words, NO words, no matter what they are, regardless of the most heartfelt intention behind them, can come close to touch what Sarah Ban Breathnach calls, “as a parent … the wounding we fear most.” The words, for all involved, but especially the bereaved, feel and are so inadequate that they result in a paradoxical effect: more hurt. Which then hurts the one trying to comfort, feeling bewildered that what they thought was kindness was rejected. Now, both feel misunderstand, alienated, and at a loss. For many bereaved parents, that chasm is a burden and an additional loss.

Second, because the words can be said in a few seconds or even minutes and then the speaker is on to his or her life, while the bereaved is still left with this overpowering, neverending reality, a stark contrast of realities is apparent and registers with the bereaved. The juxtaposition lands on the heart of the bereaved with thud of hurt, anger, like, “easy for you to say”. This further reminds the bereaved of the aloneness and the difference in her life from most others, while she actually witnesses the speaker going right on…to the next topic, the next action, the next normal activity. The disparity reminds the bereaved of the truth which is unbearable to hold. To say, “I can’t imagine what you are feeling” reinforces that separation, and in fact, as Sarah Ban Breathnach says, we all CAN imagine it, and that’s what frightens us….”It is the nightmare you pray will never befall you, if you can even bring yourself to articulate that prayer. It is the phone call you pretend you will never receive. It is the unthinkable. But the unthinkable happens every day to some woman some where.”.

Another comment by Sarah Ban Breathnach was interesting to me, and provocative: “Women whose children have died often feel betrayed by other women; it seems as if we avoid them (sometimes we do) and even stop mentioning their dead child. We’re silenced by guilt and unnameable fear. If it can happen to you, (we think), a woman who is so good, kind, and loving, what can happen to me and mine?”

What I believe is this: the pain we all know - on some level - of this loss touches a place so deep, so frightening, that seeing it in another reminds us of it, so we detach from the pain. The detachment is subtle and not even known to the person doing it (who believes, in that moment, that he/she is present) but the disconnection is felt by the bereaved parent.

Like Miles, I don’t have answers for others. What I am offering, if others want to hear what would really help, is the willingness to jump into, even briefly, through true empathy (which means permitting the pain of the reality, even momentarily) and allowing whatever heartspeak emerges. When the space BETWEEN the comforter and the bereaved is open and true, actually no words are necessary: It might look like: yes, I am trying to imagine what is all of our worst fear and it hurts; an understanding brief touch; Or, I’m trying to get it. It scares me, too. In other words, it’s not YOUR loss that I feel, it is THEE loss, and that fear and pain is in me as well. Then, we’re joined.

There is nothing else we can give each other but our honest presence, but that is a lot.

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I am a big fan of instant gratification. But then, who isn’t?

Even though we all like it, the term instant gratification usually comes with a negative connotation. Often, we view the desire for immediate pleasure as something that gets us in trouble, or keeps us from reaching our long term goals. It is true that living only for pleasure right this moment probably won’t work in the long run. However, instant gratification can be used as a valuable tool toward reaching your goals.

Take weight loss as an example. Typically, failure to shed pounds boils down to an individual consistently going for instant rather than delayed gratification. Choosing brownies over brocolli. TV over the gym. French fries over apple dippers. You get the picture. By making these choices repeatedly, you step further and further away from your goal (in this example, to lose weight).

Now that we have touched on the bad, bad, bad side of instant gratification, let’s explore how the pursuit of instant pleasure might actually help you reach your goals. It’s simple. The key here is to look for sources of instant gratification that directly result from the actions you must take to reach your goal . They are there, I guarantee it.

I made a list as I was trying to motivate myself to get back on track with my weight loss. The list includes:

• The instant energy and adrenaline that comes after a good workout.
• Sore muscles that I know I worked hard to achieve (and that are working hard for me as they repair and rebuild).
• Runners high
• Hearing and moving to the upbeat music in weight lifting class
• Knowing that if I keep going with what I am doing, more of my clothes will soon be fitting and looking better on me.
• Seeing myself differently, even on day one of following my plan.
• Enjoying food more.
• Never feeling uncomfortably full.
• Knowing that the way I am living is something I will be happy I did in the future
• Knowing that I am setting a good example for my kids
• Being really tired at bedtime because I got up early to exercise
• Sleeping well

The things on my list may not strike you as sources of instant gratification at first, but to me, they genuinely are. They all feel good (some physically, some mentally) and they all happen immediately as I follow specific steps on my weight loss plan. Keep in mind, this technique can be applied to any long term goal you may be working toward.

So,

Instead of focusing on the deprivation and sacrifice required to reach a goal, try focusing on the things that feel good along the way. Maximize your pleasure and enjoy the journey. It will be a lot easier to stick to something if you are actually enjoying it as you go.

Note:  If you liked this article, you may want to check out Delayed Gratification and the Feel Good Factor.

Your comments are valuable! Please share your experiences with us…

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Today I was notified that this blog has been added to a list of “Outstanding Personal Development Blogs”. The list was started by personal development blogger Priscilla Palmer. I am going to add a few of my current favorites to the list:

Maria Gajewski at Never the Same River Twice

Chief Family Officer

Made to Be Great

Millionaire Mommy Next Door

Click here to view the entire list. Enjoy!

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Do you have a hard time sticking to your goals? Do you start out super motivated, only to find yourself back to square one a few days or weeks later? I know I struggle with this pattern. Yesterday I ran across an idea that Paul Piotrowski at Self Help Wisdom came up with. I really like his idea, and wanted to share it with you. Instead of reading my regurgitation of Paul’s thoughts, why not just head over there yourself and read his article titled “Microaction as a Success Tool“.

Let me know what you think!

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A few weeks ago, I stumbled across a blog that I have been reading ever since. It is the online journal of a boy who was suffering from rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare form of childhood cancer. Miles Levin was 17 years old when he was diagnosed with the disease. After 18 months of aggressive treatment, Miles was declared cancer free. However, the cancer returned with a vengeance, and on August 19, 2007, Miles Levin died. He was almost 19 years old.

The story of Miles has caught the attention of many. CNN’s Anderson Cooper has spotlighted him, as well as numerous other widely read publications. Although his story has a tragic ending, his writings during his battle with cancer are poignant, honest and above all, inspirational.

After reading through a few of his journal entries a few nights ago, I turned to my normal evening task of writing an article for this site. I found myself in a strange situation. I could not write about anything. Nothing seemed worthy or important to address at that moment, after reading the writings of a young man, who had death on his doorstep.

My heart aches for his family, who fought long and hard, in every way they could, to combat the cancer that took Miles. I especially identify with his mother. I have not experienced her grief, but I do know the intense love of a mother for her child. The loss of one of my own children, I think, would be the most painful thing I could experience.

The reason I am writing about Miles Levin, however, is not to depress you. My purpose is to share with you a bit of the wisdom and “plain advice” of this young man.

• Miles compared his life to a golfer swinging aimlessly at a bucket of golf balls, until only a few remain. “Now with just a handful left,” he wrote, “each swing becomes more meaningful.”
• “…remember how much fortune is going unaccounted or unrealized in your life, and more importantly, that that which seems terrible at the time may reveal itself in hindsight to have been a blessing. I have had a chance to be inspirational. Its not something most teenagers can lay claim to. Not because they are incapable of inspirational feats, but simply because most young people do not come across an opportunity to really show what they’re made of to inspire and teach others. Getting this chance, and from what I’ve been told, succeeding, has been a true privilege and an honor.”
• “It takes the darkest bleakest of human tribulations to bring out the best in us. It is in the face of hopelessness more than any other time that we unite and rally around what is really important.”

This was a boy who was wiser than his years. My advice today is that you visit Miles Levin’s Carepage, where his writings remain. Browse through them. There will surely be something that will impact you, and inspire you to not just live, but live well. In the process, you will be honoring Miles and all those children who suffer from incurable childhood diseases.

Note: When you click on the Carepage Link above, click on “Visit a Carepage”. You will be directed to do a quick (free) registration on the site. After registering, type in “Levinstory” to bring up Mile’s page.

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When I started working as a child welfare caseworker a little over 8 years ago, I remember feeling very uncomfortable about the fact that I was expected to make decisions that in my estimation should be left up to God. Decisions such as what family a child should be placed with for adoption. Or whether to give a chronic drug mom just one more chance. On a daily basis, questions like these come up as a part of my job.

I quickly learned that I did not want, nor was I expected, to make these decisions unilaterally. I came to see the great value in working as part of a team, and making decisions as a part of that group. I learned to give the best input I can, with the most accurate information possible. After doing this, I am able to relinquish control and leave the decisions to a power higher than myself, whether that be the team or a judge. I like this approach and find peace in doing things this way.

As I observe others in my position I see that some have not adopted the same attitude of being a team player. It never ceases to amaze me when I see a fellow worker refuse to abdicate an ounce of control to anybody else.

The people I am talking about seem to guard their authority with their lives. If they are out of the office, and somebody else makes a decision for them, they get mad, even if the decision is what they would have decided to do anyway.

I don’t understand how the people described above can feel comfortable about making such big decisions on their own. With a team approach, there are different knowledge bases, different points of view, and different checks and balances. I feel a sense of relief when working with a team on an important decision.

Control freaks are not limited to my line of work. You may even be one yourself (would you admit it if you were?)

If you have an insatiable need to be in charge, why not keep the following things in mind?

1. Giving up some control means less liability for you. In really sticky situations, I would much rather spread the responsibility around rather than take it all on my shoulders. Have you ever heard the term “safety in numbers?” Well, it applies here very well.

2. In talking about liability, I am not only talking about the potential for a lawsuit. I am also talking about making the best decision, that will have the best outcome.

In my job, I worry more about my moral and ethical liability rather than legal liability. When I make a decision solo, (without considering others point of view), and have a terrible outcome, sue me all you want but you couldn’t make me feel any worse. I truly believe that the more input you get and use from others, the better the end result is going to be.

2. You may be special, just like your mother says, but you are not indispensable. No matter how good you are at what you do, there is somebody else who could do it just as well, if not better. So get off that high horse and realize that the world really would be OK even if you weren’t around tomorrow.

3. Being controlling is a sign of insecurity. Confident people are able to take feedback and advice from others without feeling threatened or weak.

4. Save your competetive side for the basketball court, or the X-Box. Nobody likes being around somebody who has to make everything into a game they must win.

So, with all that being said, here’s to being a team player!

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Anybody who knows me well could tell you that I am an avid fan of Celine Dion. It’s true. There is something about her voice that really gets to me. She is one talented senorita.

My affinity for Celine started about 10 years ago. It’s funny, because it was my husband that had a few of her CD’s we would listen to together… with time, some of her songs became “our” songs. Maybe part of my love for Celine’s music has something to do with those early days of our relationship when I was falling in love with Jorge. Beautiful sappy sweetness.

When I was pregnant with my first child, Celine had just given birth to her son. Her lullaby album “Miracle” touched me deeply as the lyrics turned toward her love and hopes for her child. I could identify because I felt the exact same things about my new little baby boy. Many times I would listen to that CD in my car and end up with tears streaming down my face at the sheer joy of being a mother. Beautiful music has a way of bringing those kinds of feelings right up to the surface of my soul.

For our 4th wedding anniverary, Jorge and I took a trip to Las Vegas and went to Celine’s show, “A New Day” in the Colliseum at Caesar’s Palace. It was fantastic. Celine was even more talented in person. I remember as she finished the encore, I was terribly disappointed that the show was over. It had flown by so fast.

The next morning, Jorge and I visited the Celine Dion Boutique in Caesar’s Palace, and bought a few souveniers. One of them was an autobiography of Celine. As we travelled home from Vegas, I read the entire book.

As I read I was impressed with several things about Celine.

First, she decided at a young age that she was going to promote her talent, not her body and/or sex. If you look at Celine Dion, she has always had a classiness and integrity about her that most female singers today don’t have. She is clean and refreshing.

Celine is very family oriented. She grew up in tight knit clan, and she continues to be very close to them. Her marriage to her manager, Rene’ Angelil is often criticized because of their extreme difference in age (he is much older than her)… I myself thought their relationship odd until I read the autobiography.

Celine adores Rene’, and he adores her. A particularly touching part of the story was a few years back when Rene’ was diagnosed with cancer. Celine took a complete break from singing to spend every moment at his side. Miraculously, he recovered. Celine expresses in her book that she will never take one moment with him for granted after a scare like that. He is the only man she has been with and I would be very surprised if they ever split up. Celine is one of the few superstars out there who seems to cherish marriage.

For the past 6 years or so, since little Charles was born, Celine’s maternal side has surfaced. She adores her son… the main reason she cites for signing a long term contract in Las Vegas was to provide stability for her child. Another priority for her was being able to spend time with him. Her contract only required her to work at night, when he was sleeping. So instead of jetting around here, there and everywhere, little Charles actually has a place that he can call home.

Something else about this celebrity is that you will rarely, if ever, see Celine Dion mentioned in the tabloids. You know that if there was anything scandalous going on with her, the paparazzi would have caught on.

Many of todays talent starts out OK, but as they climb the ladder of fame and fortune, their clothes get smaller, as do their values and morals. Drugs and sex are the name of the game. Look at Britney Spears. A few years ago, Britney was bright eyed and had a lot to say about the things her mother had taught her. Look at her today. The sad thing is, there are so many others like her.

So what is my advice in all this?

Even if you don’t particularly like Celine, it’s OK (really! Although I seriously have to wonder why)

Find and support talented people who inspire and uplift you.

Share those things with your children. Teach them to appreciate the beauty and value of a really good singer, an amazingly talented piano player, or whatever it is that expands you and makes you want to be better.

Help the children around you learn that people with values and integrity can be and are very successful.

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I am a walking contradiction. I have an official diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), which is widely known for its very organized and clean tendencies. And in some situations I am very organized (and almost always very clean). But in many many ways I am a disorganized mess. I won’t try to explain my theory on my inconsistency here (I’ll save that for another post), but I do want to share a very simple organization tool that I recently rediscovered.

It is so simple that it is almost embarassing. Anybody who can write can implement it.  What is the tool you ask? A running “to do” list. 

Almost too simple to discuss.  But sometimes, the simple ways of doing things are the most powerful.  And sometimes, tweaking something just a little bit makes it exponentially more useful.

At work, especially, I am bombarded with endless tasks (as a social worker, I am constantly receiving new information about my cases that need follow up). In my 8 years at this work, I have not found a satisfactory way to keep track of all these things that need to be done. I have tried different approaches, but often the methods were too complicated or time consuming for me to sustain.

Last week I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and frustrated at my lack of organization. So I pulled out a legal pad and made a list of all the things in my brain that needed to get done. It turned out to be a pretty long list. For the next several days, each time I wondered what to do next, I looked at the list. I was able to redirect myself and remember what I needed to be doing. While talking on the phone (which always creates more work for me) I would just jot down reminders to myself on this list.  Not on sticky notes, which tend to get shuffled around and lost.  But on my legal pad that I had right there at my desk (I now prefer the legal pad because I can fit so many more items on one page due to the length of the paper).  That way, it is there, at the center of my work.  

In the past, my to do list wasn’t as effective as it could have been because I tried to take it with me everywhere I went.  It usually ended up lost in the bottom of my bag, or not there at the very moment I needed it, which is usually when I am at my desk.   I tried keeping the list electronically, but because I dropped my Palm Pilot and lost all my data on more than one occasion, I decided that paper is for me when it comes to important details.

The best thing about this very basic way of doings things?  My productivity went way up. And my anxiety level went way down.

At the end of the workday, before leaving the office, I can look at my list and feel confident that all the urgent items for the day have been crossed off.  Which means that when I get home, I am home and don’t have that nagging feeling that something was left undone.  I can also get a glimpse of what I need to be prepared for the next day.

When the list outgrows the paper, I just transfer all the items that are not yet done to another page and then start fresh from there. 

With my list in front of me, I don’t need to remember so many details.  Seeing the whole list on one page (remember, legal pad) makes me feel more in control and aware of the big picture of what I need to do.   I don’t have to go looking in different places for all the things that I need to get my tasks done (such as fax and phone numbers). Another perk of this approach is that when an intern or assistant asks if there is anything I need help with, I can turn to my list and immediately delegate a task. Without having things written all in one place, I never knew offhand what I could ask someone else to do. So I ended up doing it all myself (and usually at the last minute).

My advice to you is obvious… if you are struggling with being disorganized, use a running to do list.  If you have tried it in the past unsuccessfully, try it again.  Look for small ways to improve your system to work more efficiently.  Get back to the basics.  It just might be your ticket to being more in control of your life.

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