Plain Advice

An interesting thing has happened in the past few months. I stopped watching TV. I have never been the type of person to spend excessive amounts of time in front of the tube, but I definitely had my favorite shows that I was loyal to every week (namely, Prison Break and 24…now that is what I call good TV!). And at night, as I fell asleep, there were certain “wind down” shows that helped me sink into a peaceful slumber (think “Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens… you get the picture).

But those days are gone.

My departure from television was never something I intended to do. I never even gave my TV habits a second thought. I found watching it to be relaxing. Because I didn’t watch excessively, I never felt bad about taking the time to view my favorite shows.

Six weeks ago, I went from working 20 hours a week at my job to 40. On the surface, that could do a lot of the explaining about my lack of TV in the past two months. The fact that the new shows are on reruns all summer could also have something to do with it. But neither of those are the real reason I have stopped watching.

About 8 weeks ago, I started this website. Along with this site, a part of me came out from hiding that I had forgotten was there. I reconnected with many things that I feel fervent about. In addition to reconnecting with these passions, I discovered that the internet is a practical medium for disseminating the ideas and principles I feel so strongly about. And, lucky me… I discovered that I actually enjoy writing! And I am pretty good at it too.

People have asked how I find time to write on this blog when I have so many other things to do in day. My answer to them is that you find time to do things you want to do. You become willing to sacrifice those things that don’t bring you the same level of satisfaction. For me that has been television.

I don’t know how long my separation from TV will last. If it’s forever, that’s really OK with me. I have a feeling that I am going to keep blogging for a very long time because of what I gain from doing so. Which is, by the way, a little money, but a huge amount of personal satisfaction. If big money ever does come along as a result of blogging, it will just be a nice bonus because I love doing it so much. Imagine, making lots of money doing something you would do for free anyway! Well, maybe someday…

So what’s my point? Well, first let me say what it’s not. I am not trying to convince you to stop watching television. I am also not out to recruit you to start blogging. What I am trying to get across to you is to find something to do in life that you feel passionate about. It’s really wonderful to have something to think about and build and work on that you love to do. The other things that are sucking away your time with little to show for it will naturally decrease in priority. And you will be much happier!

Today I was driving along, and I realized how much I love my life right now! Of course, it is not perfect. I have weight to lose. I have bills to pay. I have a messy house today and sometimes I feel like I am getting it all wrong as a parent. But I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my job (what am I, crazy?). And I love writing about how to solve problems, how to live better, and how to find solutions to all things negative in life.

Are you happy? Are you doing things in your life that feel positive and rewarding? Is the way you spend your time worthwhile? If you answered no to any of these questions, challenge yourself to find ways to alter things so you can answer yes to them. If you did answer yes, great! Keep living life to the fullest!

Thanks for stopping by… hope to see you back soon!

And please, share your experiences with the ideas in this article by leaving a comment!

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I have noticed that when I am lifting weights, especially during moves that require balance, it is very important to focus on the task at hand. When I am focused mentally and physically on what I am trying to accomplish (ie working the muscle group) I am able to maintain my balance. The minute I start looking around at others, or even when I start looking at myself in the mirror too frequently, I tend to lose my balance.

The relationship between focus and balance is not exclusive to weight lifting. While working through any problem or toward any goal, it is necessary to focus on your inner resources and motivations for what you are doing. When you move your focus elsewhere, you lose balance. Looking around to compare yourself to others will cause you to become distracted. You become discouraged because everyone else seems to be better off than you, or conversely, you become overly confident because you see how far ahead you are in comparison to others. Neither type of comparison will get you very far.

In weight lifting, as in life, keeping the focus on what you are doing, and why, gives you the ability to build and maintain balance. So stop looking around at everyone else. Stop comparing yourself as better or worse to others you see. Instead, see yourself for who you are and where you are. Refocus on what you really want, why you want it, and how you are going to get it. Balance will come much easier as you approach your dumbells and your life with this attitude.

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This past weekend, I went on vacation to a beautiful lake town a few hours away from home. My brother and his wife brought their boat. I was looking forward to taking a boat ride or two, but nothing more exciting than that. So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself strapping on a life jacket, jumping into the water, and strapping the bindings of a wake board on my feet! I have never successfully water skied, and have only been snow skiing once. I was very nervous, but watching my brother and sister-in-law surfing behind the boat looked so cool. I just had to try it.

My first try was a complete disaster. My instructors (aka my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law) had told me what to expect, and what to do, but I had no idea what that really meant until I was holding the rope and the boat jerked forward. I let go of the rope and the wake board flew under me, pulling me face down in the water. So I got back up, grabbed the rope, and tried again. Same thing. After a few times of this happening, I started to realize that I needed to position myself slightly different to accommodate the dynamics of the water, wake board, and my body. I started to make progress (according to the experts who were watching me), but still, no cool surfing behind the boat! Each time I would get a little closer and realize something else I was doing wrong. By about the 10th or so try, I finally was able to get up for about for about a split second. By that time I was exhausted and decided I would have to come back another day for more practice.

Shortly after we came home from our vacation, my older kids decided to teach my five year old how to ride his bike sans training wheels. He was terrified but worked up his courage to try. As I watched him go back and forth on the sidewalk, with his sisters running beside him, I thought again about the importance of experiencing “failure” as a way to learn. He fell a few times, and each time, his siblings explained to him the best way to fall, how to prevent falling, etc. I watched my little boy learn the dynamics of a two wheel bike as he experienced falling again and again. He has not yet mastered this skill, but I have no doubt that he will with some more practice, and plenty more falls.

What is failure anyway? The dictionary defines it as “The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end”. I say that failure is just a necessary step toward ultimately achieving whatever it is we are trying to do. It sounds cliché, but there is a reason for cliché’s… usually they are true.

As illustrated by my (non) wake boarding experience, and that of my son learning to ride a two wheeler, with each failure comes a powerful opportunity to learn. There is no way to become skilled at wake boarding without actually being in the water and trying. For most people, that involves a lot of learning of what doesn’t work before finding out what does. The same goes for riding a bike. You can’t just explain to your kid how to ride a two wheeler and then away they ride into the sunset. Life is about trial and error. And then success.

In working with addicts, I have learned that relapse is a part of recovery. Why? Simply because as the addict begins to be conscious of what is going on, the relapses that happen become an amazing learning tool to them. Although they are not yet at the point of complete success, they are able to gain more insight into their problem, and how they get there each time. They are able to consciously choose to get out of that pattern and learn the small but significant ways to get where they want to go.

I find this to be an amazing principle. Looking at failure as a way to success is not just a way to lick your wounds and make yourself feel better when you are down. Evaluate any failure you are experiencing or have experienced, and see what you can glean from it. How can it help you be more successful next time? I am 100% sure you will find something valuable as you look at your failures in this way.

Please share your experiences with this principle, and offer your own insights by leaving a comment!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

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If you have decided to seek the help of a mental health professional, this page will help you to simplify the process of choosing a therapist.

The therapist should be licensed, or an intern/resident under the supervision of a professional licensed in the same field. All of the therapists listed below can provide individual, marriage, family and group therapies.

Psychiatrist – This is a medical doctor with additional, specialized training in psychiatry. About one-third are Board Certified. Psychiatrists can prescribe medications, and may also provide psychotherapy (”talk therapy”), although this would be an expensive source. A psychiatrist or other medical doctor should be seen, in addition to a therapist, for severe symptoms of depression, psychosis (hallucinations and delusions), or manic symptoms.

Psychologist – Ph.D. in Psychology. Although called by the title, “Doctor,” they cannot prescribe medication. Psychologists also administer psychological tests.

Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) – Master’s Degree in Social Work with an additional two years of supervised experience.

Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) – Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an additional two years of supervised experience.

Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) – Master’s Degree in Psychology with an additional two years of supervised experience.

INITIAL QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

• How much can I afford per month (there are resources for reduced rates with some agencies)?
• What does my insurance cover, and are there limits to the number of visits per year?
• What is my co-pay (the amount you must pay in addition to what your insurance pays)?
• Does my insurance have a list of approved providers?
• Is the therapist licensed?
• How much experience does s/he have?
• Do I need individual, marriage or family therapy?
• Would I prefer a male or female therapist?
• If the person needing help is a child, does the therapist have experience working with children?
• Do I need a therapist with specialized experience (i.e. sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc.)?
• Is the age, religion, ethnicity, or other attribute of the therapist important to me?
• Is there someone I trust that could recommend a good therapist?
• Am I ready to make a commitment to work hard in self-evaluation and improvement?

QUESTIONS AFTER THE FIRST SESSION

• Did I feel the therapist gained a basic understanding of the issues important to me?
• Is the therapist someone with whom I can trust my most private thoughts and feelings?
• Did I feel respected by the therapist?
• Does the therapist have time to meet with me regularly (usually weekly initially)?
• Was I included in the formulation of the therapy plan, including length of treatment and diagnosis?

A GOOD THERAPIST WILL NEVER…

• Talk freely to others of your private information.
• Engage in sexual behavior of any kind with a current or former client.
• Enter business transactions outside of therapy with a current or former client.
• Get involved socially with current or former clients.
• Accept large gifts from current or former clients.
• Take phone calls during sessions.
• Provide treatment for family and friends.

_____________________________________________________________

*This information was obtained from the Wasatch Mental Health website.

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Today I went for a run along a river trail near my home. The trees, the running water, the chirping birds… I was enjoying the beauty of nature immensely, along with the satisfaction that comes from hearing myself breathe deeply and feeling my muscles work.

As I went along, I suddenly came along a pile of crap. Literally. Horse crap, I believe. Stinky, smelly, swarming. I tried to ignore it, but couldn’t entirely forget its existence, as I ran around it.

I got back into my rhythm of running, and enjoying my exercise. I was thinking about my plans for the day, making mental lists of things I wanted to get done. I was lost in thought. I went around a corner, and boom, there it was again! And again, again!

OK, so the horse poop I ran across today did not ruin my day, my morning, or even my run. It was a little gross (OK, a lot), but it did get me thinking (as so many things do)

The trail I run on is one that I have been on quite a bit. I know that horses also frequent the trail. Rarely do I run into big piles of poop. Hmmm, I wonder why? I assume that all the horses poop as they go along the trail.

The conclusion I must draw is that most horse owners clean up poop as they go. Today or yesterday, somebody did not take responsibility to clean up after themselves.

One of the huge aspects of taking responsibility is that you clean up the messes you make. You don’t leave them for others to deal with.

This reminds me of something else that happened a few days ago. I was sitting at a stoplight, and all of a sudden my car jolted forward. I had been rear-ended! The light quickly turned green, so I turned left. There was a lot of traffic and it was quite difficult to pull over to the right and get off the road to examine my vehicle. I was also trying to keep my eye on the offending car. I could see it would be easy for them to get lost in the traffic and avoid talking to me.

Happily, the other driver did not try to disappear. She went through the traffic maze to get over to where I had pulled over. She apologized profusely and examined my car with me. I determined that she had only hit my bumper, and my car had not been damaged. She again apologized. She took responsibility for what had happened, and I appreciated that.

So which type of person are you? Do you make messes and then just hope that someone else will fix them for you? Or do you have the integrity to take on the sometimes unpleasant task required to fix the problem?

Today you will undoubtedly create some type of mess. Be responsible… clean it up!

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There is something inside each of us that knows how to solve our problems. That something is called by many different names, depending on who you are talking to. Spirit, heart, soul, intuition, inspiration, conscience, higher self, God, …. the list of how people refer to this phenomenon is as long as the list of religions and philosophies out there. I will refer to this “something” as your inner voice or intuition (for the sake of simplicity).

Your Inner Voice

No matter who you are, where you are, or what you are doing in life, you have some familiarity with your inner voice, even if you have not yet realized it. It is that small whispering that comes from deep within you. It is the voice that tells you something is wrong, even if you have rationalized to yourself that it isn’t. It is the part of you that does not always appeal to your logic, but is always providing information that is for your highest good. Sometimes the task required of you by your inner voice is difficult, but you are never forced to follow.

Recognition of the Inner Voice

The way you experience hearing your inner voice may be different from others. Therefore, there is no way that I can tell you exactly what your inner voice sounds or feels like.

There are some things that I have learned on my own, and also from others who have shared their experiences with me. The following things seem to be true about the way intuition comes to most people:

• There is no confusion coming from your inner voice. Although the things it tells you may disagree with your logic (and that of the world), you will feel a sense of peace, calm and certainty about what you are thinking and/or feeling. If you can set the other parts of your consciousness aside, and focus only on the inner voice, you will clearly know what do to.
• Intuition is often an emotional process rather than a logical one. However, this is not to say that intuition never works with logic. Your intuition often guides you toward completely logical solutions! Generally, the reason your inner voice conflicts with your logic is only because your cognitive process is flawed, or you do not yet have enough information to understand the full picture. After you follow the whisperings of your inner voice, you can usually look back and see the logic in that guidance.
• Many people describe the feelings related to their inner voice as warm, peaceful, light, hopeful, conviction, happy, love… Intimidation, fear and shame do not originate from your inner voice.
• If you are unsure about what your inner voice is saying, try to look at your thoughts and feelings over a period of time. Your inner voice will not change its message just because a few days or weeks pass. If the same answers keep coming to you over and over, it is very possible that it your inner voice trying to tell you something.
• As mentioned earlier, the more heed you give to the prompts of your inner voice, the more easily you are able to hear and recognize the voice the next time you need to hear it.

Strengthening Your Inner Voice

Following the prompts of your inner voice has a way of increasing your ability to hear it.

It is as if, with your choice to follow that voice, you are giving an invitation for it to come back and lead you again. Conversely, when you ignore what your inner voice tells you over and over again, you become more tuned out from the whisperings, and you may stop hearing it all together.

The more you obey your inner voice, the more you learn to trust it. This happens as you see that your inner voice really is wise and always pointing you toward your greatest good. It is easier to follow as your trust increases, and trust is built as the wisdom of that voice is validated by the outcomes of your decision to follow.

Following Your Inner Voice vs. Ignoring It

Each time your inner voice communicates something, you have the choice to follow the guidance it provides, or not. As mentioned before, you are never forced or coerced to follow your intuition. And as stated earlier, sometimes your inner voice directs you to do things are not easy.

So why follow your inner voice?

Because it always leads you toward your highest good.

If you want to test this statement to see if it holds true for you, there are a couple of ways to do it.

First, examine your past.

Have you had your intuition tell you to do something, and you chose not to? Or maybe, your inner voice told you NOT to do something, and you went ahead and did it anyway? Of course you have. What were the consequences?

Now think of a time when, intuitively, you knew you had to do something that did not make sense to you logically. You followed your heart in spite of this conflict with logic. Where did this choice lead you?

In looking back at both types of examples, is the idea that your intuition always leads you to your highest good validated?

Another way to test the wisdom of your inner voice is to start paying attention to it starting now. It may be helpful to keep an ongoing journal of the whisperings you hear, whether or not you follow, and the consequences (good and bad) that result from the decisions you make.

Inner Voice and Your View of Life

You might be asking the question; what exactly is my inner voice? Where does it come from? Is it a part of who I am, does it come from a power higher than myself? How does my inner voice know how to guide me to my highest good? What is the source of my inner voice?

These questions raise many philosophical and spiritually based issues that I cannot address here. Finding answers to these questions is very personal. The pursuit of doing so presents a unique experience to each individual.

I encourage you to seek the answers that will help you understand these things. Ironically, it is your inner voice that will lead you on this journey. Be willing to listen and follow what that voice tells you. As you listen and follow your intuition, you will be led to what you need to know.

Conclusion

Learning to follow your intuition may be the single most valuable thing you can do in life. Your inner voice is the greatest resource you have in solving your problems. Do everything you can to honor your intuition, and it will lead you toward the solutions you seek.

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This morning when my alarm went off at 5:30, I could not drag myself out of bed. After hitting the snooze button until about 7:00, I finally started to wake up. The following conversation with my husband ensued:

Me: I don’t have time to work out this morning (I needed to get the kids to daycare and myself to work by 8:30am)

Jorge: That’s OK.

Me: Do you really think so?

Jorge: Yes.

Me: It’s OK to miss one day right? (I have been consistently exercising in the mornings for a few weeks now)

Jorge: It’s OK to miss one day. It’s OK to miss two days. It’s OK to miss three days. After that, it’s not OK anymore.

Me: Yeah, then you are back to being inert.

Jorge: Yep.

Inertia

Inertia is the tendency of a body to maintain its state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force

The principle of inertia is described in Sir Isaac Newtons first law of motion: Every body perserveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight ahead, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by forces impressed. [Cohen and Whitman 1999 translation]

Inertia a very important concept in classical physics. I find it fascinating that very often, scientific principles apply to so many things. I know nothing about physics, but I do know that the principle of inertia is applicable to many parts of my life.

When you decide to make a change, getting started is usually the hardest part. If I go for a few days without exercising, I find it extremely hard to get going again (hence my husbands comment “after 3 days it’s not OK…, because for me, after that point it will often turn to weeks and months) . I find it very strange, because when I am in the habit of exercising, it is not hard at all to keep doing it. It feels natural and good. I feel like I am in my element. When I am engaged in healthy habits, I often look back to the way I was before (inactive, overeating, etc) and wonder why I thought it was so difficult to live the healthy way.

The answer is, it really is not hard. The difficult part is breaking the barrier of inertia. Being aware of this can help you get up the gusto to just do it… knowing that it will be hard at first, but the changes you make will require less effort once you establish some momentum.

Momentum

Momentum, in very simple terms, refers to the fact that although it requires work to start a process, once you are started, or moving, it is relatively easy to keep going.

Gaining momentum in any goal you are trying to reach requires an inital burst of energy. It requires some up front effort to get the proverbial ball rolling.

Riding a bicycle is a good example of the principle being described. Getting started takes the most effort. Once you are in motion and have established some speed, the effort of riding the bike is much less.

Willpower

A fresh look at willpower and the role it has in building momentum is given by Steve Pavlina .

Willpower provides an intensely powerful yet temporary boost. Think of it as a one-shot thruster. It burns out quickly, but if directed intelligently, it can provide the burst you need to overcome inertia and create momentum.

Willpower is a concentration of force. You gather up all your energy and make a massive thrust forward. You attack your problems strategically at their weakest points until they crack, allowing you enough room to maneuver deeper into their territory and finish them off.

The notion that willpower is something that you cannot use indefinitely (because it requires too much effort) helps in how you plan to reach a goal. You can plan to put your willpower to work for you in the beginning of your plan until you gain some momentum. You will then be able to maintain your momentum without the level of willpower needed in the beginning. Your momentum should continue on provided you don’t stop altogether. This is a very logical and reasonable way to approach a goal.

Putting It All Together

In review, inertia is the tendency of things at rest to remain at rest. Breaking through inertia initially requires a great deal of energy, or willpower. Once that barrier is broken, applying the force of willpower will create momentum that will make it easier for you to keep moving. The initial effort is worth the momentum it creates, and the motion you are in can be easily maintained.

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1. Don’t take another person’s reaction or anger personally , even if they lash out at you in what seems a personal manner.

2. Focus on responding instead of reacting. Reactions to situations that anger you or make you uncomfortable are usually spontaneous, and are mostly based on initial feelings. Sometimes you may react before the other person has even finished their sentence. Responding requires that you suspend judgement and become more objective before making your next move in the interaction.

3. You don’t have to have all the answers. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know”.

4. Understand that people want to feel heard more than they care about whether you agree with them.

5. Improve your listening skills. Good listening often means asking good questions and clearing your mind of distractions. Try not to concentrate on what you are going to say next or what is going on outside of your converation. Give your full attention to the person you are talking to.

6. Remember that what someone says and what you hear can be very different! Your personal filters, assumptions, judgements, and beliefs can distort what you hear. Repeat back or summarize to ensure that you understand. Restate what you think you heard and ask, “Have I understood you correctly?”

7. Look for common ground instead of focusing solely on differences. What might you both be interested in accomplishing?

8. Understand that most people, including you, have a unique, often self-serving agenda. Don’t assume that someone will know or share your agenda. Therefore talking about what is important to you in addition to finding out what is important to the other person can help build a solid foundation for your conversation.

9. Work to keep a positive mental focus. One of the choices we always have is how we act in any given circumstance.

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Once you have decided on a course of action, it is time to make a specific plan based on that decision. The option you decided on in the previous step will provide the framework for your plan. This involves setting short term goals, and making a plan that takes into account your specific situation.

Because this article is so generalized, it is difficult to set out a process for planning that would be relevant to every situation. However, the following 6 ideas are important to keep in mind no matter what you are dealing with:

1. Know your weaknesses and limitations. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Be realistic.

2. Capitalize on your strengths and resources. Make an inventory of them, and find ways to use them to your advantage.

3. Anticipate obstacles. Be prepared for them so their impact on your goal is minimal. This also helps prevent discouragement because when obstacles do come up, you had already planned for them. They are just part of the process.

4. Write down your plan. There is something very powerful about getting it out of your brain and onto paper. I feel more committed and accountable when I write it down.

5. Make your plan as specific as you can. At the same time, be open minded and flexible. Be willing to change the specifics depending on how well they are (or aren’t) working for you. Many times your vision becomes clearer as you are actually working on your goals, and you will realize that your original plan can be improved.

6. Figure out how you will measure your progress. Make sure it is a part of your plan to assess how you are doing periodically.

Once you have a plan, it is time to JUST DO IT!!!!!

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I woke up this morning deeply troubled about the thoughts I posted last night. Whether it came across in what I wrote or not, I was feeling pretty discouraged about what, if any good has come from my work (remember, I am a social worker).

This morning, as I was in the middle of weight lifting class, I had an epiphany. Really not a new idea, just a reminder to me of what I am really all about.

It started with me thinking about my own life. My own problems that really, are pretty much the same things I have been struggling with since I can remember. Does the fact that I am once again in the gym, looking in the mirror at my overweight body mean that I don’t care about it? Does it mean that any previous accomplishments in that area are null and void, that I am a failure because of where I am today?

The instructor teaching my class is ironically the one that I started with 3 years ago. He doesn’t know me personally. At one point he knew my name, but I didn’t go for so long, I think he forgot. I wonder if he sees me, and feels the same way I do when I see one of my clients. One of the many who had supposedly resolved the problem that brought them to me, now returning, dealing with the same problem over again.

Does he get discouraged at my outward lack of progress? I’m pretty sure I am not the only person he sees like me, riding the weight roller coaster. Does he feel like giving up on helping people become healthy? Does he think “that girl keeps coming back fat!!! She must not care! I have not done her a bit of good!” ?

I don’t think so. I imagine that first of all, he keeps doing what he is doing because working out directly benefits him. He has his own personal rewards with his own health just from being up there exercising his own muscles.

Secondly, I hope that he would look at me, giving me the benefit of the doubt. I would like to tell him my story about how, after I lost almost 50 lbs in part because of his help before, I got pregnant and put the weight back on. I hope that he would have a positive regard toward me and think of me as a success because I am back. And even though I may appear to be in the same shoes I was 3 years ago, I am not.

Because of what I went through before , I am different. Even if people can’t see it on the outside, it doesn’t mean that I am the same. I know things and feel things and see things because of the success I had before. I am more confident that I can do it again. I want to do it again because I know how wonderful it feels to be healthy.

Life is not a destination. It is a process, and at any given moment in that process, we are all failing at one thing or another. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is the direction we travel on, and the growth we experience along the way. Even if it is slow, even if it is so small that others can’t see it, moving forward is success.

My work contributes to my own success in life because what I do directly benefits my own personal growth. I learn from and am challenged all the time by the problems I try to help people solve. Meeting challenges equals growth for me. Whether or not they make the effort to fix their own life, just the fact that I am helping them benefits me. It gives me more awareness, insight, and refines me into a better person.

Secondly, if the people I work with are changed inside at all throughout our interactions then something worthwhile has happened. Even if a seed is planted inside of them of hope for a better life, that is success. Who knows when the seed will take root and actually start to grow.

Therefore, here I am, once again an optimist…

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