Plain Advice

How It All Began

I have been “addicted” to n ose spray on and off (mostly on) for the past 2 years or so. It all started when I was 8 months pregnant and I got a really bad cold. There was very little in the way of medications that I could safely take to treat my severe congestion. The things I tried like Sudafed didn’t work very well and kept me awake at night. I was so miserable.

One night during this illness, I went out to eat. My waitress was also pregnant, and she noticed how sick I was. She made a suggestion to me… nasal spray. Over the counter run of the mill nasal spray. She recommended the Wal-Mart brand. Said it worked like a miracle to clear congestion, and it was safe during pregnancy.

I called a friend who is a pharmacist to confirm that nasal spray truly is safe to use while pregnant, and he confirmed it was. We went to Wal-Mart on the way home and bought the stuff. I was staying with my parents at the time while my husband was out of town. They are witnesses that my first use of the spray was very awkward. I had a hard time figuring out how to get the medicine up into my nose without gagging it down my throat (UGH!). But I finally did figure it out. Oh, did I figure it out.

It really was a miracle. I never appreciated breathing through my nose so much. It was pure heaven. I slumbered all night and had a new hope for the next day with my miracle drug at my side.

The package warns (for good reason) that you should not use the spray for more than 3 days at a time. If you use it any longer you can develop “rebound congestion”. Your nose swells shut inside even when you are no longer sick, requiring you to continue using the spray just to breathe normally.

Well, I ignored the warning because my cold lasted for more than 3 days. They say the way you can get off the spray is to suffer through the rebound congestion…. for up to 2 weeks!… and then your nasal membranes will readjust and start working on their own again. Well, being 8/9 months pregnant, I had enough discomfort to deal with. So I didn’t quit. After my daughter was born, I did not choose to go through the withdrawal because I was so tired and adjusting to life with my new little baby.

Well, months passed, and a lot of money passed between myself and the drug stores. I no longer used just the Wal-Mart brand, but I used any kind of spray I could get my hands on. At times I felt like a nose spray junkie. I became obsessed with always having the stuff available. If I left the house for more than a couple hours, I panicked if I didn’t have it with me. Eventually, there were bottles in my purse, diaper bag, bathroom, car,office…. My husband was worried at the thought that I was addicted to anything. He wondered if it was making me high or something, because he just didn’t understand why I would be so obsessive about using a nose spray (by the way, no it does not make you “high”. It does not affect your brain, or any other part of your body. Just the nasal membranes).

I researched the nose spray addiction a little and found at that I was not alone. Apparently, there are many people out there depending on that small bottle to get them through each day and night. There are people who have been addicted for 30 years or more! Imagine that! Well, I didn’t want to be one of them.

The Final Straw

One particularly bad memory with this problem was my 6th wedding anniversary. Actually, the evening was wonderful and romantic. After going out to dinner, my husband and I sporadically decided to go to a hotel for the night (sans luggage of any kind). When we got there, I realized I didn’t have my nose spray! I left my husband in the room while I ran to the store to buy some. (He was fine with this, since there was a soccer game on he wanted to watch anyway Everything was fine until about 2pm. I woke up severely congested. I took my bottle of nose spray into the bathroom and turned on the vent, because I didn’t want to wake my husband with my awful nose snorting sounds. I swear it took about an hour of snorting the spray and blowing my nose before it finally cleared out. I remember thinking how ridiculous it was to be sitting in that hotel bathroom for an hour dealing with congestion while I should have been sleeping peacefully next to my husband. Every night required me to wake at least one time to use the spray. This was the night it just really hit home how inconvenient this problem had become.

The Solution

My mom told me she had heard of something that claimed could help rebound congestion, called Rhinostat. It’s a system she saw advertised that is supposed to help you wean yourself off of nasal spray, without having the extreme discomfort of going cold turkey. I decided to give it a try, especially when she ordered it for me!

Well, if I thought nasal spray was a wonderful thing in the beginning, Rhinostat was truly the miracle I needed to get off it. After about 7 days of using the system, which gradually dilutes the medication with saline solution, I was off the spray. I couldn’t believe how easy and painless the process was. The only thing required was that each morning I filled my sprayer with a slightly more diluted solution of the spray. Each time I felt congested, I used the spray as normal, and it worked.

It has been about 2 months since I have been off nasal spray. It is so wonderful to have that monkey off my back! I was cleaning out my desk a few days ago and found several bottles that were still full. Before I used the Rhinostat, I would have been desperate to find these bottles during a period of congestion. But this time, I threw them away with a smile, knowing that I no longer need that stuff.

So here is my advice to you: If you suffer from rebound congestion, try Rhinostat. You can visit their website to order your kit today. (By the way, I am not an affiliate for Rhinostat, and I am not being paid to write this article). It is well worth the $50 or so that it costs to be free from nasal spray addiction. And if you have not tried nasal spray, be careful if you decide to use it. It really does work to relieve congestion… but please, heed the warning label and don’t use it more than the recommended amount of time.

Rebound congestion is an inconvenient, embarassing, money eating, time consuming affliction. So do what you can to get over it and stay away from what causes it!

If you experience, or have experienced rebound congestion, please share your experience and what has or hasn’t worked for you in getting over this problem.

As always, thanks for stopping by! Hope to see you back soon…..

Share This

I sit here in my hotel room. It is 4:47 am and I can’t sleep. The world is silent and finally I stop to think. And what do I feel? I am sad. Sad that I have broken commitments to myself. The commitments that if kept would make me more healthy, more fit, more confident. Sad that my 5 year old told me recently that I am fat because I ate too much candy. Sad that I feel self conscious about my body all the time. Sad that I don’t feel attractive. Sad that I don’t know how to trust myself about food. Sad that I am not exercising. Sad that I am not setting a good example for my children. Sad that they might be sad like this someday. Sad that I am not living up to my potential. Sad, sad, sad. (by the way, thanks for indulging me in my pity party).

Now what?

First of all, where did I go wrong? I don’t know the cause of my problem. Something inside me drives me to eat when I am happy, when I am sad, when I need comfort, when I am angry, bored, and again, when I am happy. And then there is the part of me that is so “all or nothing”. Meaning, I do everything right, or else I do nothing right. If I eat more, you would think I could realize that I should step up my exercise to compensate. But I don’t… I stop exercising. Something in me says “what’s the use?” Totally irrational. I don’t know why I am this way.

This time, it all started to fall apart…when, I am not exactly sure. But some things started happening that were not good signs. I stopped writing in my food journal. That is commitment #1 to myself that I broke. I felt bad about it the first day, the second day, the third day…but then I fell out of the habit and stopped thinking about it. I know myself, and I know if I don’t hold myself accountable through a journal that I cannot manage well. That is why I committed to do it. Because I know it is essential to my success.

When I stopped writing in my food journal, I also broke other commitments to myself. This past week, I broke a major one… I didn’t weigh in. I didn’t want to face the consequences of my actions. I wanted to continue in my behaviors without having to be conscious of what I was doing. I stopped updating my weekly progress (or lack thereof) on this site. Again, I didn’t want to face the reality of what was going on. And I was, and still am, embarassed. Who wants the world to know when they are failing miserably?

In the short term, I like to live unconsciously. I like to feel free to do what I want when I want. It is the part of me that likes to wake up in the morning free from restrictions, free from rules and structure. In so many ways I am not “free” to do what I want because of time and money constraints.

It’s not that I have a super-strict, super-structured life. But I do have a lot of people who need me to do things for them, important things. My family needs me. My job needs me. My life needs me. I need me too, to be healthy, awake and alive. But instead, I do a lot of taking care of myself through food. Problem is, I am not taking care of myself at all when I use food in this way. I end up just hurting myself, causing the disappointment and pain that is coming to me so poignantly right now.

But I am thankful for this moment I am having. It is a turning point. I am thankful for the quiet opportunity I am at, where I can reflect and redirect myself. It feels good to realize where I am and to know that I don’t have to stay here. I am so glad that I can change my course and start over. Actually, I don’t want to start over . This is not day one. This is day 112, or 8 weeks. I take responsibility right here and right now for all 8 weeks of what I have done since I made my goal to lose the weight. There are good things and bad things I own in that. And right now, I recommit myself to do the things I know will take me where I want to go.

I will write in my food journal every day. Every single day. I will weigh in every week, once a week. I will live consciously. I will do the things that nurture myself in the long run. I will exercise again, 4-6 times per week. I will be an example of healthy living to my children, and feel good knowing that I am passing something to them of great value. I will weigh in weekly. I will share my journey on this website by posting a weight loss update once per week, at least. I will believe in myself once again.

I feel weak and tentative, but I feel hopeful. I can do this. I have done it before and I will do it again.

Thank you for coming to this site and reading this post. I hope my journey will uplift and inspire you in some way.

Share This

I have noticed that when I am lifting weights, especially during moves that require balance, it is very important to focus on the task at hand. When I am focused mentally and physically on what I am trying to accomplish (ie working the muscle group) I am able to maintain my balance. The minute I start looking around at others, or even when I start looking at myself in the mirror too frequently, I tend to lose my balance.

The relationship between focus and balance is not exclusive to weight lifting. While working through any problem or toward any goal, it is necessary to focus on your inner resources and motivations for what you are doing. When you move your focus elsewhere, you lose balance. Looking around to compare yourself to others will cause you to become distracted. You become discouraged because everyone else seems to be better off than you, or conversely, you become overly confident because you see how far ahead you are in comparison to others. Neither type of comparison will get you very far.

In weight lifting, as in life, keeping the focus on what you are doing, and why, gives you the ability to build and maintain balance. So stop looking around at everyone else. Stop comparing yourself as better or worse to others you see. Instead, see yourself for who you are and where you are. Refocus on what you really want, why you want it, and how you are going to get it. Balance will come much easier as you approach your dumbells and your life with this attitude.

Share This

This past weekend, I went on vacation to a beautiful lake town a few hours away from home. My brother and his wife brought their boat. I was looking forward to taking a boat ride or two, but nothing more exciting than that. So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself strapping on a life jacket, jumping into the water, and strapping the bindings of a wake board on my feet! I have never successfully water skied, and have only been snow skiing once. I was very nervous, but watching my brother and sister-in-law surfing behind the boat looked so cool. I just had to try it.

My first try was a complete disaster. My instructors (aka my brother, brother-in-law and sister-in-law) had told me what to expect, and what to do, but I had no idea what that really meant until I was holding the rope and the boat jerked forward. I let go of the rope and the wake board flew under me, pulling me face down in the water. So I got back up, grabbed the rope, and tried again. Same thing. After a few times of this happening, I started to realize that I needed to position myself slightly different to accommodate the dynamics of the water, wake board, and my body. I started to make progress (according to the experts who were watching me), but still, no cool surfing behind the boat! Each time I would get a little closer and realize something else I was doing wrong. By about the 10th or so try, I finally was able to get up for about for about a split second. By that time I was exhausted and decided I would have to come back another day for more practice.

Shortly after we came home from our vacation, my older kids decided to teach my five year old how to ride his bike sans training wheels. He was terrified but worked up his courage to try. As I watched him go back and forth on the sidewalk, with his sisters running beside him, I thought again about the importance of experiencing “failure” as a way to learn. He fell a few times, and each time, his siblings explained to him the best way to fall, how to prevent falling, etc. I watched my little boy learn the dynamics of a two wheel bike as he experienced falling again and again. He has not yet mastered this skill, but I have no doubt that he will with some more practice, and plenty more falls.

What is failure anyway? The dictionary defines it as “The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end”. I say that failure is just a necessary step toward ultimately achieving whatever it is we are trying to do. It sounds cliché, but there is a reason for cliché’s… usually they are true.

As illustrated by my (non) wake boarding experience, and that of my son learning to ride a two wheeler, with each failure comes a powerful opportunity to learn. There is no way to become skilled at wake boarding without actually being in the water and trying. For most people, that involves a lot of learning of what doesn’t work before finding out what does. The same goes for riding a bike. You can’t just explain to your kid how to ride a two wheeler and then away they ride into the sunset. Life is about trial and error. And then success.

In working with addicts, I have learned that relapse is a part of recovery. Why? Simply because as the addict begins to be conscious of what is going on, the relapses that happen become an amazing learning tool to them. Although they are not yet at the point of complete success, they are able to gain more insight into their problem, and how they get there each time. They are able to consciously choose to get out of that pattern and learn the small but significant ways to get where they want to go.

I find this to be an amazing principle. Looking at failure as a way to success is not just a way to lick your wounds and make yourself feel better when you are down. Evaluate any failure you are experiencing or have experienced, and see what you can glean from it. How can it help you be more successful next time? I am 100% sure you will find something valuable as you look at your failures in this way.

Please share your experiences with this principle, and offer your own insights by leaving a comment!

As always, thanks for stopping by!

Share This

A True Story

Once upon a time, in a place not so far away, there was a man and a woman. They fell in love and got married, despite the fact that they grew up in different countries, with different languages, different foods, and many other differences. They had children. The children grew. When the oldest child turned 18, the woman said to her son, “go out into the world, son, and feel free to come back and visit anytime you want. I will always be here for you. You can always come home for a hot meal and to do your laundry”.

When the man heard the woman say this to their son, he was deeply offended. He would not talk to his wife, and looked at her as if she were the devil. After the wife poked and prodded him for days, trying to get him to talk to her, he finally told her of his feelings. The woman was shocked and stunned that her husband would see her loving statement to their son as abandonment, shunning and out casting. She was merely doing what had been done for generations before her! Sending their child into the world to become an independent adult! She herself left home at the age of 18 to go to college far, far away. She had never felt abandoned or shunned by her own parents.

It was not until the man and woman communicated heart to heart that they were able to see that the problem here was a difference in cultural values. The woman came from a culture that values independence and autonomy. The man came from a culture that values very close family relationships and interdependence. When this was discovered, the man and the woman were able to understand one another and compromise as to how they would approach the adulthood of their children. The end

………..of the story, that is! But the article goes on…

As illustrated in the story (which of course is based on an issue that has come up in our own family), cultural values can present challenges that are difficult to navigate and very emotionally charged.

Values and Relationships

In fact, when it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences may be the most challenging for couples to get through. Values can be loosely defined as learned, enduring, emotionally charged moral conceptualizations . In other words, the priorities we set and the choices we make are significantly based upon the values we hold (obtained from University of Idaho).

As children, we are taught values from our parents, and also from the larger culture surrounding us. By the time we are adults, these values are deep within us, guiding us in how we view the world, and how we choose to act. Our values fuel our perceptions of right and wrong, and therefore, what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.

In any marriage, value differences will be encountered, simply because no two people were raised exactly the same or are made of the same DNA. However, if you grew up in a similar culture to your partner, it is likely that your value system will be more similar to theirs.

If you are in an intercultural relationship, value differences will definitely challenge you at one time or another. There is no way to address all the possible roadblocks you can come up against when it comes to these issues. Following are some basic guidelines that I have found helpful.

1. Be Realistic

If you have read anything else on this site, you will know that I am all about finding solutions to problems… I am an optimist. But please keep this in mind: Although value differences can be worked through, don’t fool yourself into thinking that it is easy. Before getting into a long term relationship, you should take a really hard look at the values of your partner and weigh them against your own. If you find that there are major conflicts between your values, chances are you are going to have major struggles in this relationship. If you decide to continue, it is important for you to be conscious and aware of what you are taking on, and accept the challenges that come with it. If you are not willing to accept this, then you may be better off getting out of the relationship. When in doubt, follow your intuition .

2. Communicate

As illustrated in the story above, effective communication can help to resolve the value differences you encounter. This is true in any relationship, regardless of your cultural background. However, in a similar cultured union, you would be more likely to understand where your partner is coming from with little to no effort on some of these issues. With intercultural relationships, it is imperative that you communicate when value differences arise. To work through these differences, You must both be willing to discuss what it is that is triggering your feelings, and explore how you can deal with this in your relationship.

3. Find Common Ground

If you are already married or otherwise committed to somebody who has extremely different values than you, you already know how difficult it can be to deal with these differences. If you intend to continue in the relationship, it would be helpful for you to identify as many common values between you and your partner as possible. These will serve as the building blocks of your partnership. Try brain storming and looking for similarities. Sometimes they are hidden and will take some digging. But if you are in a relationship that is based on more than just physical attraction, there must be something you can find in common in the way of values. The key in this is to minimize differences and maximize similarities.

Ideally you have found someone who shares at least some of your fundamental values. In my relationship, my husband and I were both raised in Christian homes (him, in South America, and me, in North America). This one thing we had in common growing up means that we have many similarities in our value systems. It extends to our priorities in life, family, how we treat others, moral issues, etc. I do not think our relationship would be able to survive without this common ground.

4. Compromise, Compromise, Compromise

Compromising is important to most relationships, but especially so in the intercultural ones. Just to illustrate, in the story above, you learned about a value difference my husband and I have. He wants to keep the kids living at home as long as possible, and I am a proponent of getting them out into the world to live and enjoy life as adults. Although this is a difference, there are ways to compromise. First of all, Jorge’s value of interdependence and close family relationships is not in conflict to my fundamental values. I also value close family relationships (I just don’t see the adult children living with us as a necessary way of continuing those close relationships) Although it does take some mental adjustment on my part, I can accept and enjoy having the kids living at home until they get married (which is when, in Jorge’s culture, it is acceptable for them to finally move out) On the other hand, if our children do decide to move out of the house before they get married, it will take some mental adjustments for him to deal with that, but it is not in direct conflict to his fundamental values. After the kids leave, he will be able to adjust his thinking when he sees that not living together does not equate losing our identity as a family

The bottom line here is that people who are wiling to negotiate their beliefs will be successful together. This does not mean that you have to compromise your integrity, but you must be willing to identify what you are able to sacrifice and what things are very important to you. In other words, pick your battles!

5. Always Respect

Always respect your partner and seek to understand where he/she is coming from. Even if you can’t or don’t understand why they feel the way they do, make a choice to always show respect and kindness. Doing so goes a very long way in building bridges between the differences you have.

Conclusion

When it comes to intercultural relationships, value differences are often challenging for couples to work through. Some effective tools to help navigate these issues are being realistic, finding and building on common ground, compromising (again and again!), and always being kind and respectful toward the views of your partner.

Be sure to check back soon for Part 4 of this series: “Traditions”. And as always, thanks for stopping by!

Share This

Different Culture, Different Food

One big lifestyle difference my husband I have is regarding food. We were raised on completely different menus.

When I was growing up, we ate a lot of casseroles and pasta dishes. Sometimes we would have breakfast for dinner (eggs, bacon, pancakes). When we went out to eat, we would go for a hamburger, taco’s or if my parents wanted to take us somewhere nice, for a steak and baked potato. We usually had a vegetable with our meal, and often we had jello or fruit along with the main dish. We always had dessert after dinner. For lunch we usually ate a sandwich of some type. Breakfast was normally cold cereal.

Most of the food I grew up on is not appealing to Jorge. He is not into casseroles or pasta. He thinks it is very weird that we eat jello and fruit with our main course. In his culture, those are the things people eat for dessert.

The things my family ate for dessert (cookies, cake, ice cream, etc) are things that are only an occasional indulgence where he comes from. And he was not raised eating many vegetables (except potatoes, which I don’t think really count). For lunch, he is used to having a hot meal. You will never catch him eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, or any other time for that matter.

I think it’s weird that Jorge eats rice and potatoes in the same sitting (ummm, starch overload!). I also find it strange that he likes soup for breakfast. Sometimes he comes home from the local Latin market with fruits I have never seen or heard of. One of them is called “tuna”, and it looks like a cactus plant. Just the fact that the fruit is called tuna makes it hard for me to seriously consider eating it.

While we were dating I remember being exasperated that Jorge wanted to eat rice every day.To me, that was overkill. Sure, we had rice in my home growing up, maybe once a week. If Jorge had his way, he would eat the stuff for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I never liked cooking rice, and honestly, was never very good at it. What was I to do? After 5 years of marriage, and many pots of burned rice, Jorge came up with a brilliant idea… a rice cooker! It cost us about $20 and was well worth every penny. We do have rice cooking in our house almost daily now, and it never burns!

We have a hard time deciding where to go out for dinner, because the things we want are so extremely different. Jorge is almost always in the mood to go to a Peruvian or Bolivan restaurant, where he can get rice, beef, potatoes, fried bananas, eggs, and special little touches that are native to his part of the world. Although I have grown to like this food, I am not always in the mood for it. I don’t think we have ever looked at each other, and said “mmm, let’s get a hamburger”. Nope. He doesn’t go for American fast food… He even hates pizza.

Generally, when we go out to eat, we have found that the best place to go is a buffet. It’s not very romantic, I know, but there is a large variety of food, and usually, we can find something that is appetizing to both of us. This is one way we have found to adapt to our differences in food preference. When the buffet is not appetizing to us, we take turns deciding where to go. If I don’t like his choice, I know next time it is my turn, and vice versa. On some rare occasions, we actually do want the same type of food (usually that is when I am in the mood for Bolivian)

Why We Eat

Besides the differences in what we find appetizing, there is the whole aspect of why we eat. Jorge grew up in a third world country, where food is not abundant the way it is in the U.S. It is easy for Jorge to distinguish between wanting and needing food. I, on the other hand, have never gone truly hungry a day in my life, but I have emotional issues galore with food. I know many people in American culture do.

Jorge sees eating as a necessary thing he has to do to stay alive. Sure, he enjoys his food, but it is not a driving emotional force for him like it is for me. He once told me he wishes someone would invent a pill he could take to meet his caloric needs, so he wouldn’t have to bother with eating. Wow. That would never work for me. In my world, food is too important in so many ways beyond the physical aspect.

I have a friend who recently told me that she and her husband were feeling depressed, so they ordered pizza and ate ice cream together. This doesn’t happen in my relationship.

Jorge has also pointed out to me the role that food plays in American parties, weddings, etc. Of course, food is also served at Latin parties and weddings. But in Jorge’s culture, the main attraction is dancing. He is extremely bored at American parties where eating seems to be the center of the celebration.

So Our Food is Different, Now What?

So the food issue has not always been easy for Jorge and I to handle in our relationship. At times I know we have both thought how nice it would be to have similar food preferences. However, there are ways to manage this difference with the goal of having a successful and satisfying relationship.

Here are some tips that have helped Jorge and I with the food issues:

1. Create a unique food culture between you and your partner. Find foods that you both like, and build on those things. Incorporate foods from both cultures into your own food culture.

2. Be open minded and willing to try new things. I never would have known that Jorge’s native food is actually very good, had I not been willing to go out on a limb and try it. Sometimes I actually crave rice with eggs, which I had never even considered putting together before I knew him.

3. Learn to cook dishes from your partners traditional cuisine. I have learned to cook some Bolivian foods from my sister in law. We also have a Peruvian friend who continues to teach me how to cook some of those dishes that Jorge loves. It brings Jorge and I closer together when I make the effort to make him feel “at home” in our home.

4. Find ways to compromise, and do what works. As mentioned above, buying a rice cooker was a great solution to my perceived problem of Jorge wanting to eat rice everyday (and me not wanting to cook it). Now he can have his rice and eat it too.

5. Appreciate the positives! Jorge and I will probably never binge on junk food together, but this is a healthy thing for both of us. His attitude that food is for living and not the other way around is a philosophy I would like to have myself. In the meantime, I will be more healthy simply because I am married to him.

Another positive to all this is the rich diversity we have in our lives because of our differences. I really do appreciate the Latin and American mixture that makes up our family. We have a flavor and flair that is different from any other clan I know.

6. Do what works! Find creative ways around the differences about food. As mentioned above, we go out to buffets quite often so we will both have a variety to choose from.

Conclusion

It is important to recognize that intercultural relationships will have some unique issues such as differences in food preferences. To make these relationships successful, it is important that each partner have an open mind, be willing to try new things, adopt their own food culture, and look at the positive things these differences bring into their lives.

If you have experience or advice on this topic, feel free to leave a comment!

Thanks for stopping by! Please come back soon for Part 4 of this series: Cultural Values.

Share This

This past week has been tough on the weight loss front. The unexpected weight gain of last week threw me f or a loop. It’s difficult to maintain a high level of effort when the results aren’t reinforcing the behaviors.

Despite the struggles, I did not fall off the wagon. I did eat a little more than I should have… but I did not abandon my efforts and go on a binge. I continued exercising, and I continued to write down everything I ate, which helped me do some serious damage control.

My efforts paid off, at least a little bit. Yesterday, I saw a loss at the scale of 1 pound. What a relief. I knew that another bad weigh-in would make it so much harder for me to keep going. The pound I lost infused me with hope that this is working. But it is so true that weight loss takes an incredible amount of patience and persistence.

It has now been 45 days (6 1/2 weeks) since I started this program. My total loss is 5.4 lbs. I am definitely not on target to reach my goal of 30lbs in 14 weeks (that is only about 8 weeks away…). I needed to lose 2lbs a week to reach that goal, and I am just under averaging 1 lb per week. Perhaps my original goal was too lofty. I will reassess, and maybe I will adjust my goal to be more realistic.

As alway, thanks for stopping by!

Share This

Introduction

One of the most difficult things an interracial/intercultural couple may face, especially early in the relationship, is disapproval from others. When you are dating and falling in love with somebody, it can be upsetting when others don’t share in your joy. Although society has come a long way in the past 40 years (interracial marriage was illegal in the U.S. until 1967), interracial and intercultural couples still run into social disapproval today. It tends to be more subtle, but obvious to those who are experiencing it. If your goal is to build a long term interracial/intercultural relationship you must learn to deal appropriately with the controversey and criticism surrounding your relationship.

My story

I consider myself to be pretty lucky in regards to this issue. For the most part, I have always had the support of my family regarding my relationship with Jorge. I was nervous to tell my parents that I was dating him. I didn’t need to be… after telling them about Jorge and the qualities I saw in him, they told me “If it’s right, it’s right”. My grandpa did have an initial negative reaction toward our relationship, but after getting to know Jorge, he supported our decision to be together.

I had friends that were not as supportive. Nobody directly expressed disapproval to me. Their disagreement with my choice to date outside my race and culture was subtle, and I was very hurt by it. One day, my roommates and I were engaging in “girl talk”. I said something about Jorge being good looking, and one roommate shot back “he’s attractive for a Bolivian man“. As if a Bolivian man must be qualified as such before being found to be attractive. Other times, I recall friends trying to talk me out of the relationship, for no good reason. One friend suggested to me that I was only dating him to prove that I wasn’t a racist. Give me a break.

In the beginning of our relationship, the disapproval of others had a huge impact on me. I worried about our future in terms of society and the way we would be viewed by others if we were married. I imagined that we would be excluded from groups I would normally be included in. We broke up a few times because of my insecurities and fears along these lines.

As time passed, I became more comfortable with our relationship regardless of the opinions of others. The turning point for me was when I finally allowed myself to listen to my inner voice …to really hear what my intuition was telling me… that this relationship was something good for me, that I needed to listen to my heart instead of those around me, that it was time for me to follow my hope and faith instead of my fear.

After I had this experience, my skin grew much thicker. I was no longer influenced by the negative opinions of others. I did, and still do, chalk it up to ignorance on their part. The more confident I became, the less negativity I noticed. I don’t know if this is because it disappeared, or because it just no longer affected me the same way. Either way, life got much easier for me at this point.

Cause(s) of Disapproval

If people close to you are against your relationship, explore their concerns to see if it really is the culture/race issue they are opposed to. Unless your family and friends are extremely dysfunctional, they express concern because they love and care about you. It is possible they are seeing something you don’t, that has nothing to do with the race/cultural issues at all. If something else is wrong between you and your partner, don’t stand behind culture/race as an excuse for ignoring the other issues.

If race/culture truly is the fundamental reason you are experiencing disapproval from others, it may help to be aware aware where those feelings most likely stem from. Below are some of the reasons others may be critical of your interracial relationship.

1. Negative Stereotypes: We have all been guilty at times of buying into stereotypes. I have done it myself… when Jorge came to pick me up for our first date, I was expecting him to arrive in some kind of pimped up low rider, with the base pounding (in my area, this is a stereotype of Mexicans. My husband is not Mexican, but I lumped him into the category). Imagine my surprise when he drove up in a conservative Sport Utility Vehicle.

One current hot topic in the U.S. is immigration. If you or your partner is an immigrant to the U.S., and you haven’t already had people say things to you about the Green Card issue (that is, they assume that you are in this relationship just so that one of you can become a legal U.S. resident), you most likely will.

Be patient with the people around you. Realize that they may be wrong, but with time and patience, their views will often change about your partner as they get to know him/her. This change often happens as they see you are both committed to the relationship, and as they witness your happiness and success. One couple shares their experience that illustrates this point:

“After the first couple of years, once our families knew we were in love and were happily committed to each other, they grew to respect and appreciate our relationship. Now, they are entirely supportive, as far as we can tell. I think that familiarity has helped break down the pre-conceived notions our families had about each other. We have no children, but if we choose to in the future, I think they will have 2 sets of very happy grandparents! You just have to be true to yourself, follow your heart, and work together as a team if you face obstacles”. (Click here for more real life interracial couple experiences),

You also need to realize, and accept, that you will always run into people who stereotype you and your partner. You must be able to live with this and be OK with it if your relationship is going to last.

2. Racism/Prejudice:

Racism can be defined as a belief or ideology that all members of each race possess characteristics or abilities specific to that race, especially to distinguish it as being either superior or inferior to another race or races (Oxford English Dictionary).

Prejudice is a product of racism, and can be defined as: Interpersonal hostility that is directed against individuals based on their membership in a minority group .

There are volumes of things that could be said about prejudice and racism, and the role they have played from a historical point of view. If you want to learn more about the history of racism as it pertains to interracial relationships, some good resources are Wikipedia, Loving Day, and Answers.com .

For the sake of this article, I will focus on my own experience with racism as part of an interracial couple (specifically was it relates to social disapproval). As I said before, society has come a long way in the past 40 years. Aside from some fanatical racial supremacy groups out there, prejudice is still alive but not the same way it used to be. At least not in my part of the world. It is very rare to hear anybody openly admit that they consider themselves superior over another race. Racism these days is much more discreet and sometimes hard to identify as such.

I have found that people of the older generations tend to have more of a racist attitude toward minorities than the younger generation. I have not only experienced this personally, but have found that many people I know in interrelationships received the most criticism from their grandparents. The world was a much different place when Grandma and Grandpa were growing up. This reflects in their attitudes toward people of other races, cultures, etc. Sometimes their attitudes change with time, but sometimes they don’t.

This is not to say that older people are always racist, or that young people are never prejudice. But it may be helpful for you to know that it is pretty normal to run against a wall regarding prejudice with the older members of your family.

Just as I said earlier about stereotypes, you need to accept that you will encounter prejudice from others toward your relationship. In some way you must find a way to deal with it so it does not have a negative effect on you or your relationship.

3. Marriage Squeeze

The marriage squeeze refers to the belief that the most eligible and desirable African American men are marrying non-African American women, leaving those African American women who wish to marry African American men with fewer partnering options. Obviously, if African American women are feeling this way, they are going to be upset to see African-American men marrying white (or other race) women. If you are in a relationship with an African American man, and you are not African American, this could be a major source of disapproval from other African American’s (see Wikipedia for further explanation).

Although I have not personally experienced issues related to the concept of “marriage squeeze” in my own relationship, it is worth mentioning as a reason for disapproval of interracial marriage in some cases. I have heard others talk about it, and especially among African American women, it seems to be a hot topic.

4. Genuine and Legitimate Concern:

As mentioned earlier, the people close to you generally express concern because they love and care about you. Rarely do they set out to make your life harder than it already is.

When you are in love it is easy to become blind to reality. Your parents and friends may be able to see clearly that being in an interracial/cultural relationship will include difficulties that you are not anticipating. Guess what… usually they are right! There are things you will deal with in your life together that others don’t have to worry about.

It would probably be useful in getting more support from them if you took off your rose colored glasses (for a minute at least) to acknowledge the truth… that your relationship will have some issues that may be hard to live with. Again, it comes down to being aware of what you are getting into. It is about being able and willing to deal with the challenges that lie ahead. If your parents are having heartburn about your relationship, show them that you are educating yourself and preparing in every way you can to be successful. This may not alleviate all of their stress and negativity, but it can go a long way in showing them you are an adult, and that you are mature enough to make this kind of decision for yourself.

Finding Peace Through Following Your Intuition

I cannot stress enough about the value of tapping into your intuition as a way to be able to handle the disapproval of others. If you are at peace with yourself and your decisions, it is much easier to let the criticism of others take its proper place. It is difficult to be at war with yourself and at the same time, at war with the world. In interracial/cultural relationships, it is especially important that you be 100% sure about how you feel. It will be so much easier for you to accept that others disagree with you, and be OK with it.

Conclusion

When you find somebody you love, and want to share your life with, criticism and disapproval from others about your relationship can be very upsetting. As an interracial/intercultural couple, you are most likely going to experience this. Knowing the reasons behind the disapproval is empowering and enables you to deal with it in an appropriate way. Tuning into and following your intuition is the most important step you can take toward being confident in the decisions you are making, and therefore, being able to handle the disapproval of others.

If you have any personal experiences or insights to share about the topic discussed in this article, please leave comments!

As always, be sure to check back soon for article #4 in this series: Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences.

Share This

Communication Issues

Good communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship. For a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, effective communication is generally more challenging than it would be if you had similar backgrounds.

It is important that you realize you will have to work harder at this aspect of your marriage than people in like-cultured unions. Here are some strategies for achieving more effective communication across cultural/language barriers:

1- Don’t discuss important matters by phone (if there are native language differences). Misunderstandings happen much more frequently over the telephone than they do in person; body language and other cues are not there to assist you in interpreting what the other person is saying. This is not to say that you should never communicate via phone… that would be ridiculous. It is to say that if you really need to discuss an important topic, it may be better to have your conversation in person.

2. Be open and willing to tell your partner if you are not understanding what he/she is trying to say. I cannot tell you how many times problems have come up in my marriage because we haven’t done this. In those situations, if one or both of us had been more assertive and asked for clarification, we could have avoided huge misunderstandings. Good communciation techniques , such as restating what you heard, can be very helpful here.

3. Lose the knee jerk reactions. There have been many times my husband and I have become extremely offended by each other, and in the end, it really all boiled down to cultural/language differences. Words hold different weight and meaning inside different cultures and languages. If your partner says something that is deeply offensive to you, it is important to understand the intent of the comment. It is also important to understand the meaning within the context of their culture. It requires self control and discipline to step back when you have been offended to sort these things out, instead of giving in to your instant reaction.

4. Don’t play stupid when it comes to language differences. Don’t try to get out of doing something by pretending you did not understand your partner. This is highly annoying and will not be appreciated when your significant other catches on to your deceit!

As stated in #3, if you truly do not understand what your partner is saying, be honest, and communicate about it. Don’t use language issues to manipulate the situation.

5. Learn as much as you can about the native language of your partner. Learn to speak the language if you have the opportunity. I feel somewhat hypocritical making this suggestion, as I have been married for 6 years and still don’t speak Spanish fluently. I am familiar with many words and phrases. I have spent enough time listening to my husband speak spanish to others that I am often able to understand what he is talking about. But I have not yet taken the time or made the effort to actually become fluent in the language. This is a future goal of mine.

6. Learn as much as you can about the cultural context of language pertaining to your partner. Understand that words embedded in the culture of one country often have no precise equivalents in the language of another.

The anthropologist Edward Hall points out: “No two languages are alike; some are so dissimilar that they force the speaker into two different images of reality.” For an American, the word “lunch” may suggest a ham and cheese sandwich and a diet coke, while for a Russian, “obed” points to a salad, soup, meat, fried potatoes, and dessert. It takes a knowledge of both language and culture to provide an accurate reflection of the true meaning behind the words.

As the Japanese say, you have to understand not only the words, but also the silence between them (obtained from Russian=English Translating Services).

6. If you do not speak the same native language, the way you likely communicate is because you or your partner has learned the native language of the other. In my case, my husband learned English (before we met), but Spanish is native to him. He has a thick accent, and he makes some grammatical errors. If you or your partner learned the second language past childhood, this is probably the case for you/them as well.

It is essential that you treat your partner with dignity. This is especially true when he/she doesn’t speak your common language perfectly. It is important to establish guidelines that you both feel comfortable with when it comes to correcting your partner. This is a highly sensitive issue that requires intuition and good timing. You should always aim to treat your spouse with the highest degree of respect, and never humiliate because of language difficulties.

Conclusion:

Effective communication is essential to any ongoing, functional relationship, regardless of race or culture. As a couple with cultural, and especially native language differences, communication issues will generally present unique challenges to your relationship. Being aware of this and taking steps to reduce the negative impact is essential in building a successful relationship.

The information given in this article is not exhaustive. Please feel free to leave comments with your own experience and advice on this topic.

Don’t forget to check back soon for Part #3 of this series: “Disapproval of Others”.

_____________________________________________________________

*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

Share This

We just wanted to let everybody know that we are getting a new name! Solution Focused Blogger will now be located at http://www.plainadvice.com. We are expecting that it will take a few days to move all the content over to the new site, but we are working on it.

For all you loyal solution focused readers, don’t worry about the new name… the new site will still be as solution focused as ever! The decision to change the name was made with long term goals in mind. Plain Advice is a much shorter, easier to remember name. Although solutionfocusedblogger.com is also a great name, a lot of people looked blank when we would say it out loud to them. Hmmmm, wonder why.

If you forget the new name and keep coming back to this domain, don’t worry, we will redirect you to the new one. Oh yeah, and be sure to let us know what you think about the new orange theme!

Thanks for stopping by! Can’t wait to see you at Plain Advice!

Share This