Plain Advice

We just wanted to let everybody know that we are getting a new name! Solution Focused Blogger will now be located at http://www.plainadvice.com. We are expecting that it will take a few days to move all the content over to the new site, but we are working on it.

For all you loyal solution focused readers, don’t worry about the new name… the new site will still be as solution focused as ever! The decision to change the name was made with long term goals in mind. Plain Advice is a much shorter, easier to remember name. Although solutionfocusedblogger.com is also a great name, a lot of people looked blank when we would say it out loud to them. Hmmmm, wonder why.

If you forget the new name and keep coming back to this domain, don’t worry, we will redirect you to the new one. Oh yeah, and be sure to let us know what you think about the new orange theme!

Thanks for stopping by! Can’t wait to see you at Plain Advice!

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All relationships come with problems. The nature of those unpleasant realities are diverse and unique to each couple. Interracial/cultural marriages have some issues that directly and indirectly arise because of the racial and cultural differences.

If you are like me, you did not go out and plan to get involved with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background. I didn’t even consider dating my husband at first, because I didn’t envision having a long term relationship with somebody who seemed so different from myself. Finally, because of his persistence, I decided to go on a date with him just so he would stop bugging me. During that date, I started to like him, and the rest is history.

If you are currently in a relationship with someone of a different racial and/or cultural background, this series is geared to help you educate yourself regarding special issues you may face. Before you decide to make a long term commitment in such a relationship, it is important that you are aware of the issues that may come along with it. With that awareness, it is important that you accept these challenges with a willingness and commitment to deal with them. If you are not willing to accept these issues into your life, perhaps you are in the wrong relationship.

The Interracial/Intercultural Marriage Series is designed to educate you and give you the tools to be successful in your relationship. This information will be given in a series of articles. Some of the issues that will be addressed are:

• Communication
• Social Disapproval
• Food and Other Basic Cultural Differences
• Cultural Values

Each of these topics will have an article that will be posted throughout the next couple of weeks… Make sure to come back soon!

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

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Today I went into Weight Watchers feeling fairly confident that I was going to have a great weigh in. I have been following the program for the past 4 1/2 weeks and I have lost every week. I have done well since last weigh in… so I thought.

I stepped on the scale and I was UP 1.6 lbs! I was actually in shock and didn’t say much for a few minutes. I went into the meeting and got really tired and feeling discouraged. I felt a little scared, too, because I know myself. I know that when I don’t get the results I want, I tend to rebel against the goal I have set out to accomplish. I don’t want to go there this time. My objective right now is to remain conscious of this pattern, and not let myself slide because of today’s disappointment.

The leader said something that motivated me during the meeting (once the shock started to wear off). She said (to the group) “if you will be patient and persistent, I guarantee that the weight will come off”. That will be my mantra for right now…

Really, patience and persistence are very important to any lofty goal we try to reach. Relationships, finances, career, weight loss, parenting, personal development, … patience and persistence are very powerful forces that will eventually get the job done. Big changes don’t happen overnight, and sometimes, despite our best efforts, they are not entirely in our control. Giving up because the results aren’t coming in the way (or speed) I planned will do no good for me. It will only divert me from what I really want.

So here I am, 1.6 lbs heavier, but I am going to keep plugging away, and hopefully next week will be better!

Thanks for stopping by! Come back soon…

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If you have decided to seek the help of a mental health professional, this page will help you to simplify the process of choosing a therapist.

The therapist should be licensed, or an intern/resident under the supervision of a professional licensed in the same field. All of the therapists listed below can provide individual, marriage, family and group therapies.

Psychiatrist – This is a medical doctor with additional, specialized training in psychiatry. About one-third are Board Certified. Psychiatrists can prescribe medications, and may also provide psychotherapy (”talk therapy”), although this would be an expensive source. A psychiatrist or other medical doctor should be seen, in addition to a therapist, for severe symptoms of depression, psychosis (hallucinations and delusions), or manic symptoms.

Psychologist – Ph.D. in Psychology. Although called by the title, “Doctor,” they cannot prescribe medication. Psychologists also administer psychological tests.

Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) – Master’s Degree in Social Work with an additional two years of supervised experience.

Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) – Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy with an additional two years of supervised experience.

Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) – Master’s Degree in Psychology with an additional two years of supervised experience.

INITIAL QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER

• How much can I afford per month (there are resources for reduced rates with some agencies)?
• What does my insurance cover, and are there limits to the number of visits per year?
• What is my co-pay (the amount you must pay in addition to what your insurance pays)?
• Does my insurance have a list of approved providers?
• Is the therapist licensed?
• How much experience does s/he have?
• Do I need individual, marriage or family therapy?
• Would I prefer a male or female therapist?
• If the person needing help is a child, does the therapist have experience working with children?
• Do I need a therapist with specialized experience (i.e. sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc.)?
• Is the age, religion, ethnicity, or other attribute of the therapist important to me?
• Is there someone I trust that could recommend a good therapist?
• Am I ready to make a commitment to work hard in self-evaluation and improvement?

QUESTIONS AFTER THE FIRST SESSION

• Did I feel the therapist gained a basic understanding of the issues important to me?
• Is the therapist someone with whom I can trust my most private thoughts and feelings?
• Did I feel respected by the therapist?
• Does the therapist have time to meet with me regularly (usually weekly initially)?
• Was I included in the formulation of the therapy plan, including length of treatment and diagnosis?

A GOOD THERAPIST WILL NEVER…

• Talk freely to others of your private information.
• Engage in sexual behavior of any kind with a current or former client.
• Enter business transactions outside of therapy with a current or former client.
• Get involved socially with current or former clients.
• Accept large holiday gifts from current or former clients.
• Take phone calls during sessions.
• Provide treatment for family and friends.

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*This information was obtained from the Wasatch Mental Health website.

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Today I went for a run along a river trail near my home. The trees, the running water, the chirping birds… I was enjoying the beauty of nature immensely, along with the satisfaction that comes from hearing myself breathe deeply and feeling my muscles work.

As I went along, I suddenly came along a pile of crap. Literally. Horse crap, I believe. Stinky, smelly, swarming. I tried to ignore it, but couldn’t entirely forget its existence, as I ran around it.

I got back into my rhythm of running, and enjoying my exercise. I was thinking about my plans for the day, making mental lists of things I wanted to get done. I was lost in thought. I went around a corner, and boom, there it was again! And again, again!

OK, so the horse poop I ran across today did not ruin my day, my morning, or even my run. It was a little gross (OK, a lot), but it did get me thinking (as so many things do)

The trail I run on is one that I have been on quite a bit. I know that horses also frequent the trail. Rarely do I run into big piles of poop. Hmmm, I wonder why? I assume that all the horses poop as they go along the trail.

The conclusion I must draw is that most horse owners clean up poop as they go. Today or yesterday, somebody did not take responsibility to clean up after themselves.

One of the huge aspects of taking responsibility is that you clean up the messes you make. You don’t leave them for others to deal with.

This reminds me of something else that happened a few days ago. I was sitting at a stoplight, and all of a sudden my car jolted forward. I had been rear-ended! The light quickly turned green, so I turned left. There was a lot of traffic and it was quite difficult to pull over to the right and get off the road to examine my vehicle. I was also trying to keep my eye on the offending car. I could see it would be easy for them to get lost in the traffic and avoid talking to me.

Happily, the other driver did not try to disappear. She went through the traffic maze to get over to where I had pulled over. She apologized profusely and examined my car with me. I determined that she had only hit my bumper, and my car had not been damaged. She again apologized. She took responsibility for what had happened, and I appreciated that.

So which type of person are you? Do you make messes and then just hope that someone else will fix them for you? Or do you have the integrity to take on the sometimes unpleasant task required to fix the problem?

Today you will undoubtedly create some type of mess. Be responsible… clean it up!

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There is something inside each of us that knows how to solve our problems. That something is called by many different names, depending on who you are talking to. Spirit, heart, soul, intuition, inspiration, conscience, higher self, God, …. the list of how people refer to this phenomenon is as long as the list of religions and philosophies out there. I will refer to this “something” as your inner voice or intuition (for the sake of simplicity).

Your Inner Voice

No matter who you are, where you are, or what you are doing in life, you have some familiarity with your inner voice, even if you have not yet realized it. It is that small whispering that comes from deep within you. It is the voice that tells you something is wrong, even if you have rationalized to yourself that it isn’t. It is the part of you that does not always appeal to your logic, but is always providing information that is for your highest good. Sometimes the task required of you by your inner voice is difficult, but you are never forced to follow.

Recognition of the Inner Voice

The way you experience hearing your inner voice may be different from others. Therefore, there is no way that I can tell you exactly what your inner voice sounds or feels like.

There are some things that I have learned on my own, and also from others who have shared their experiences with me. The following things seem to be true about the way intuition comes to most people:

• There is no confusion coming from your inner voice. Although the things it tells you may disagree with your logic (and that of the world), you will feel a sense of peace, calm and certainty about what you are thinking and/or feeling. If you can set the other parts of your consciousness aside, and focus only on the inner voice, you will clearly know what do to.
• Intuition is often an emotional process rather than a logical one. However, this is not to say that intuition never works with logic. Your intuition often guides you toward completely logical solutions! Generally, the reason your inner voice conflicts with your logic is only because your cognitive process is flawed, or you do not yet have enough information to understand the full picture. After you follow the whisperings of your inner voice, you can usually look back and see the logic in that guidance.
• Many people describe the feelings related to their inner voice as warm, peaceful, light, hopeful, conviction, happy, love… Intimidation, fear and shame do not originate from your inner voice.
• If you are unsure about what your inner voice is saying, try to look at your thoughts and feelings over a period of time. Your inner voice will not change its message just because a few days or weeks pass. If the same answers keep coming to you over and over, it is very possible that it your inner voice trying to tell you something.
• As mentioned earlier, the more heed you give to the prompts of your inner voice, the more easily you are able to hear and recognize the voice the next time you need to hear it.

Strengthening Your Inner Voice

Following the prompts of your inner voice has a way of increasing your ability to hear it.

It is as if, with your choice to follow that voice, you are giving an invitation for it to come back and lead you again. Conversely, when you ignore what your inner voice tells you over and over again, you become more tuned out from the whisperings, and you may stop hearing it all together.

The more you obey your inner voice, the more you learn to trust it. This happens as you see that your inner voice really is wise and always pointing you toward your greatest good. It is easier to follow as your trust increases, and trust is built as the wisdom of that voice is validated by the outcomes of your decision to follow.

Following Your Inner Voice vs. Ignoring It

Each time your inner voice communicates something, you have the choice to follow the guidance it provides, or not. As mentioned before, you are never forced or coerced to follow your intuition. And as stated earlier, sometimes your inner voice directs you to do things are not easy.

So why follow your inner voice?

Because it always leads you toward your highest good.

If you want to test this statement to see if it holds true for you, there are a couple of ways to do it.

First, examine your past.

Have you had your intuition tell you to do something, and you chose not to? Or maybe, your inner voice told you NOT to do something, and you went ahead and did it anyway? Of course you have. What were the consequences?

Now think of a time when, intuitively, you knew you had to do something that did not make sense to you logically. You followed your heart in spite of this conflict with logic. Where did this choice lead you?

In looking back at both types of examples, is the idea that your intuition always leads you to your highest good validated?

Another way to test the wisdom of your inner voice is to start paying attention to it starting now. It may be helpful to keep an ongoing journal of the whisperings you hear, whether or not you follow, and the consequences (good and bad) that result from the decisions you make.

Inner Voice and Your View of Life

You might be asking the question; what exactly is my inner voice? Where does it come from? Is it a part of who I am, does it come from a power higher than myself? How does my inner voice know how to guide me to my highest good? What is the source of my inner voice?

These questions raise many philosophical and spiritually based issues that I cannot address here. Finding answers to these questions is very personal. The pursuit of doing so presents a unique experience to each individual.

I encourage you to seek the answers that will help you understand these things. Ironically, it is your inner voice that will lead you on this journey. Be willing to listen and follow what that voice tells you. As you listen and follow your intuition, you will be led to what you need to know.

Conclusion

Learning to follow your intuition may be the single most valuable thing you can do in life. Your inner voice is the greatest resource you have in solving your problems. Do everything you can to honor your intuition, and it will lead you toward the solutions you seek.

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It has been 24 days since I commenced working toward my goal to lose 30 lbs by the beginning of September. Today was my fourth weigh in, and I was very pleased to see I had lost 2.8 lbs over the past week.

Here are my stats so far:

Day 2: -.6

Day 9: -1.8

Day 16: -1.2

Day 23: -2.8

Total: -6.4

My total lost at this point is about 0.7 lb behind my September goal, but I am still happy with how things are going. I have definitely gained some momentum and it is not so hard to exercise and follow the Weight Watchers program any more. I am feeling more energetic and I can tell my clothes are fitting looser. Today, somebody told me they could tell that I lost weight because my face looks thinner. I really didn’t expect to have anyone notice anything yet. That was a nice little bonus.

Getting past the 10lb mark is going to be a big deal for me. In the past year and a half, I have lost and gained the same 5-10 lbs back and forth, over and over. Breaking 10 lbs means that I am breaking through a barrier and really getting somewhere! Hopefully I will get there within the next 2 weeks.

Thanks for checking in… I will update again on my weight goals next Thursday. In the meantime keep coming back… I have lots of thought provoking stuff to post in the next few days.

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This morning when my alarm went off at 5:30, I could not drag myself out of bed. After hitting the snooze button until about 7:00, I finally started to wake up. The following conversation with my husband ensued:

Me: I don’t have time to work out this morning (I needed to get the kids to daycare and myself to work by 8:30am)

Jorge: That’s OK.

Me: Do you really think so?

Jorge: Yes.

Me: It’s OK to miss one day right? (I have been consistently exercising in the mornings for a few weeks now)

Jorge: It’s OK to miss one day. It’s OK to miss two days. It’s OK to miss three days. After that, it’s not OK anymore.

Me: Yeah, then you are back to being inert.

Jorge: Yep.

Inertia

Inertia is the tendency of a body to maintain its state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force

The principle of inertia is described in Sir Isaac Newtons first law of motion: Every body perserveres in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight ahead, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by forces impressed. [Cohen and Whitman 1999 translation]

Inertia a very important concept in classical physics. I find it fascinating that very often, scientific principles apply to so many things. I know nothing about physics, but I do know that the principle of inertia is applicable to many parts of my life.

When you decide to make a change, getting started is usually the hardest part. If I go for a few days without exercising, I find it extremely hard to get going again (hence my husbands comment “after 3 days it’s not OK…, because for me, after that point it will often turn to weeks and months) . I find it very strange, because when I am in the habit of exercising, it is not hard at all to keep doing it. It feels natural and good. I feel like I am in my element. When I am engaged in healthy habits, I often look back to the way I was before (inactive, overeating, etc) and wonder why I thought it was so difficult to live the healthy way.

The answer is, it really is not hard. The difficult part is breaking the barrier of inertia. Being aware of this can help you get up the gusto to just do it… knowing that it will be hard at first, but the changes you make will require less effort once you establish some momentum.

Momentum

Momentum, in very simple terms, refers to the fact that although it requires work to start a process, once you are started, or moving, it is relatively easy to keep going.

Gaining momentum in any goal you are trying to reach requires an inital burst of energy. It requires some up front effort to get the proverbial ball rolling.

Riding a bicycle is a good example of the principle being described. Getting started takes the most effort. Once you are in motion and have established some speed, the effort of riding the bike is much less.

Willpower

A fresh look at willpower and the role it has in building momentum is given by Steve Pavlina .

Willpower provides an intensely powerful yet temporary boost. Think of it as a one-shot thruster. It burns out quickly, but if directed intelligently, it can provide the burst you need to overcome inertia and create momentum.

Willpower is a concentration of force. You gather up all your energy and make a massive thrust forward. You attack your problems strategically at their weakest points until they crack, allowing you enough room to maneuver deeper into their territory and finish them off.

The notion that willpower is something that you cannot use indefinitely (because it requires too much effort) helps in how you plan to reach a goal. You can plan to put your willpower to work for you in the beginning of your plan until you gain some momentum. You will then be able to maintain your momentum without the level of willpower needed in the beginning. Your momentum should continue on provided you don’t stop altogether. This is a very logical and reasonable way to approach a goal.

Putting It All Together

In review, inertia is the tendency of things at rest to remain at rest. Breaking through inertia initially requires a great deal of energy, or willpower. Once that barrier is broken, applying the force of willpower will create momentum that will make it easier for you to keep moving. The initial effort is worth the momentum it creates, and the motion you are in can be easily maintained.

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1. Don’t take another person’s reaction or anger personally , even if they lash out at you in what seems a personal manner.

2. Focus on responding instead of reacting. Reactions to situations that anger you or make you uncomfortable are usually spontaneous, and are mostly based on initial feelings. Sometimes you may react before the other person has even finished their sentence. Responding requires that you suspend judgement and become more objective before making your next move in the interaction.

3. You don’t have to have all the answers. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know”.

4. Understand that people want to feel heard more than they care about whether you agree with them.

5. Improve your listening skills. Good listening often means asking good questions and clearing your mind of distractions. Try not to concentrate on what you are going to say next or what is going on outside of your converation. Give your full attention to the person you are talking to.

6. Remember that what someone says and what you hear can be very different! Your personal filters, assumptions, judgements, and beliefs can distort what you hear. Repeat back or summarize to ensure that you understand. Restate what you think you heard and ask, “Have I understood you correctly?”

7. Look for common ground instead of focusing solely on differences. What might you both be interested in accomplishing?

8. Understand that most people, including you, have a unique, often self-serving agenda. Don’t assume that someone will know or share your agenda. Therefore talking about what is important to you in addition to finding out what is important to the other person can help build a solid foundation for your conversation.

9. Work to keep a positive mental focus. One of the choices we always have is how we act in any given circumstance.

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This article focuses on intercultural relationships. Although my marriage is both intercultural and interracial, I have found the cultural part to have a greater effect on our relationship out of the two. Race will be addressed in a different article.

Here are some things to keep in mind about intercultural relationships*:

1. Every relationship involves two individuals that were raised in different cultures. Even if you were both raised in the same geographical area, there are still differences in how you were raised and what you feel comfortable with (if you were raised in the same home ie you are brother and sister, hmmmm, I don’t know how I can help you there).

When it comes to intercultural marriage, you may have more significant differences to deal with, but basic principles of successful marriage and dealing with differences apply across the board.

2. It is imperative that you have something(s) that you can both identify with and base your relationship on. You need to have some common ground. If there is nothing that you can identify along these lines, you may want to rethink your decision to get into, or stay in the relationship.

My husband and I have some very fundamental things we share. We have the same basic set of religious beliefs and values, which is inclusive to many facets of our life. The things we have in common transcend the differences we have.

Language is something to consider here. Although it is not necessary for either of you to speak the native tongue of the other perfectly, it is important that there is one language you can effectively communicate in. It amazes me when I see people try to have a relationship when they cannot talk to each other due to language barriers.

For the most part, the relationships mentioned above are based mostly on sexual attraction. Why else would you be with somebody you could not talk to? Relationships between cultures are especially susceptible to this. These romances can be exciting, exotic and mysterious in the beginning, all of which are very powerful aphrodisiacs!

Although there is no question in my mind that sex is an important part of a relationship, it should not be the only common ground you share with your partner. If your goal is to establish a long term commitment to each other, you need to have more to work with and build on.

3. Do everything you can to learn about the culture of your significant other. Go to their place of origin if you have the opportunity.

I did not realize how important this was until I went to Bolivia. Being in Jorge’s culture of origin opened my eyes in so many ways about him. I understood things that made no sense to me before. A minor example is that Jorge loves hot drinks. He also loves to crank up the heat if he gets a little bit cold. I would get so annoyed that he always wanted to have a hot drink in the morning and would turn our house into a sauna during the winter. When I went to Bolivia, it was summer, but it was freezing cold in the a.m. (I can’t even imagine what winter is like). The houses are not insulated or heated like they are here. Therefore, I myself developed an affinity for hot drinks in the morning… it was the best way to get warm! I also suddenly understood Jorge’s preoccupation with the temperature, and finding the heat switch in our house to be a luxury (FYI…I still don’t like it when he turns the thermostat up to 80… I just understand a little more why he does it).

When I was able to see and understand things like this about my husband, I felt more connected to him, and it helped our relationship tremendously. If you are not able to visit the place your partner is from, the next best thing would be to find opportunities to interact with others from their culture locally. Find a restaurant that offers food and atmosphere that are part of the culture. Be willing to participate in recreational activities with others that are like cultured, even if it feels uncomfortable to you at first. Be open minded and willing to try new things.

4. Realize that within your relationship and your own family, you will be creating your own culture. Incorporate important aspects from both. Add things that you both feel are important regardless of cultural background.

5. If possible, associate with others who are in a similar types of relationships. When my husband and I were dating, he was wise to introduce me to other couples that consisted of an American woman with a Latin man. Initially, it was good just because I was able to see that these type of relationships can work. Over the years, I have developed deep friendships with some of these women. I continue to find these connections very valuable.

6. Follow your intuition . If you decide to be in a committed intercultural or interracial relationship, realize that you will run into some resistance and negative opinions from others. When you are following your intuition, it is much easier to deflect others negativity and have confidence in the decisions you have made.

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

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