Plain Advice

Have you ever done something really stupid? Of course you have! Is there someone you can think of who knows about that stupid thing you did, but somehow, in spite of it, they still respect you, love you, and show you that they know you are valuable? Chances are you have at least one friend or family member who sees the “real” you, the “good” you through all the mistakes and stupid things you do in your life.

The type of relationship described above illustrates one of “unconditional positive regard”. The term was coined by Carl Rogers, an influential American psychologist who was one of the founders of the humanistic approach to psychology in the mid 1900’s. In using the term, Rogers was referring to a relationship between a therapist and patient. However, I find the concept to be valuable in all my relationships.

Although the term was coined by Carl Rogers, the concept was certainly not invented by him. Even if you are not Christian, you can see in the life of Jesus that his unconditional positive regard toward people is something that drew people to him. He notoriously showed love and respect to those who were shunned by society as sinners. There are many other examples of people in history who have been known for showing this type of love and respect. These people often became great leaders because of the way they interacted with others.

The relationships in which we are free to show our unattractive sides, along with our virtues, are the most valuable relationships in our lives. My closest friends are those with whom I can talk about anything, and know that they will be able to continue to accept me and see my worth. Feeling accepted and validated despite our lack our inadequacies is empowering, and generally tends to make us want to be better.

Accepting the Person vs Accepting the Behavior

Does having unconditional positive regard toward somebody mean that we condone or agree with their negative behaviors? Absolutely not. As a child welfare social worker, I am constantly in contact with people who have subjected their children to situations that I am extremely opposed to. However, I am still able to maintain an unconditional positive regard toward those people, and have productive and positive relationships with them.

Usually, mothers are good examples when it comes to having unconditional positive regard toward their children. Look at those prisoners who have been found guilty of murder, who sit on death row. Who do you think still loves those people, and continues to see the good in them? In most cases, it is their mothers. Do those mothers condone the behavior of killing other people? The answer is obvious… of course they don’t.

However, a mother is able to look back to her child as an innocent, sweet new baby, and as a child. She remembers the good things about that person. Often, she is the one who knows the struggles and trials her child has faced in life, that may have contributed to their dysfunction. Ultimately, she is able to extract value even from that person for which others can see no redeeming quality. This is the type of thinking we must strive for if we are to have unconditional positive regard for others.

When you can look at a person through the eyes of unconditional positive regard, you are on your way to becoming a respected and trusted person in their life. Holding such a position allows you to build closer, more engaging relationships, where you are able to express yourself freely and honestly while maintaining those relationships.

Stay tuned for the next article in this series aimed at helping you develop more positive and engaging relationships; Being Honest and Giving Full Disclosure.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 16th, 2007 at 3:51 pm and is filed under Personal Development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.