Plain Advice

This article focuses on intercultural relationships. Although my marriage is both intercultural and interracial, I have found the cultural part to have a greater effect on our relationship out of the two. Race will be addressed in a different article.

Here are some things to keep in mind about intercultural relationships*:

1. Every relationship involves two individuals that were raised in different cultures. Even if you were both raised in the same geographical area, there are still differences in how you were raised and what you feel comfortable with (if you were raised in the same home ie you are brother and sister, hmmmm, I don’t know how I can help you there).

When it comes to intercultural marriage, you may have more significant differences to deal with, but basic principles of successful marriage and dealing with differences apply across the board.

2. It is imperative that you have something(s) that you can both identify with and base your relationship on. You need to have some common ground. If there is nothing that you can identify along these lines, you may want to rethink your decision to get into, or stay in the relationship.

My husband and I have some very fundamental things we share. We have the same basic set of religious beliefs and values, which is inclusive to many facets of our life. The things we have in common transcend the differences we have.

Language is something to consider here. Although it is not necessary for either of you to speak the native tongue of the other perfectly, it is important that there is one language you can effectively communicate in. It amazes me when I see people try to have a relationship when they cannot talk to each other due to language barriers.

For the most part, the relationships mentioned above are based mostly on sexual attraction. Why else would you be with somebody you could not talk to? Relationships between cultures are especially susceptible to this. These romances can be exciting, exotic and mysterious in the beginning, all of which are very powerful aphrodisiacs!

Although there is no question in my mind that sex is an important part of a relationship, it should not be the only common ground you share with your partner. If your goal is to establish a long term commitment to each other, you need to have more to work with and build on.

3. Do everything you can to learn about the culture of your significant other. Go to their place of origin if you have the opportunity.

I did not realize how important this was until I went to Bolivia. Being in Jorge’s culture of origin opened my eyes in so many ways about him. I understood things that made no sense to me before. A minor example is that Jorge loves hot drinks. He also loves to crank up the heat if he gets a little bit cold. I would get so annoyed that he always wanted to have a hot drink in the morning and would turn our house into a sauna during the winter. When I went to Bolivia, it was summer, but it was freezing cold in the a.m. (I can’t even imagine what winter is like). The houses are not insulated or heated like they are here. Therefore, I myself developed an affinity for hot drinks in the morning… it was the best way to get warm! I also suddenly understood Jorge’s preoccupation with the temperature, and finding the heat switch in our house to be a luxury (FYI…I still don’t like it when he turns the thermostat up to 80… I just understand a little more why he does it).

When I was able to see and understand things like this about my husband, I felt more connected to him, and it helped our relationship tremendously. If you are not able to visit the place your partner is from, the next best thing would be to find opportunities to interact with others from their culture locally. Find a restaurant that offers food and atmosphere that are part of the culture. Be willing to participate in recreational activities with others that are like cultured, even if it feels uncomfortable to you at first. Be open minded and willing to try new things.

4. Realize that within your relationship and your own family, you will be creating your own culture. Incorporate important aspects from both. Add things that you both feel are important regardless of cultural background.

5. If possible, associate with others who are in a similar types of relationships. When my husband and I were dating, he was wise to introduce me to other couples that consisted of an American woman with a Latin man. Initially, it was good just because I was able to see that these type of relationships can work. Over the years, I have developed deep friendships with some of these women. I continue to find these connections very valuable.

6. Follow your intuition . If you decide to be in a committed intercultural or interracial relationship, realize that you will run into some resistance and negative opinions from others. When you are following your intuition, it is much easier to deflect others negativity and have confidence in the decisions you have made.

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*Just a note that I use the words “relationship” and “marriage” interchangeably. This works within my paradigm, but you can replace the word marriage with relationship where applicable if marriage is not part of the picture for you.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 12th, 2007 at 2:14 am and is filed under Interracial and Intercultural, Marriage and Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.