The Key to a Lasting Marriage
If there is something I have learned over the past ten years since I met my husband, it is this: Relationships are full of ups and downs, and it’s OK.
At times, my marriage is full of romance, attraction, charm, beauty and a feeling that life could not be better or more fulfilling. I can see all those things in my husband that attracted me to him in the first place, and some new things I have found to respect in him along the way.
Then come the times that my overriding feelings are of irritation, anger, resentment, stress, disconnect, feeling as far away from the romance and charm as I can get.
Of course, there are in-between times too (this is the most common place to be).
All relationships are different. There are those occasional charmed couples who may not go through the peaks and valleys as described. However, if most people are honest with themselves, they know exactly what I am talking about.
The biggest difference between the marriages that last and those that fail is a single factor; those that make it are the ones that can recognize a bad spell for what it is… temporary. They hold out for the good times, which eventually do return.
I have spoken with those who, after divorcing have realized that no matter who they were with, marriage is hard. I have had more than one of these individuals tell me they wish they would have stuck with that marriage and worked things out, because the divorce itself caused so much heartache (especially where children were involved).
A study done by the Institute for American Values researched the question “Does Divorce Make People Happy?” . The study found, among other things that
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Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.
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Two out of three unhappily married adults who avoided divorce or separation ended up happily married five years later
- Many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals. Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? The marital endurance ethic appears to play a big role. Many spouses said that their marriages got happier, not because they and their partner resolved problems but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With time…many sources of conflict and distress eased.
If you have time, I encourage you to visit the Institute for American Values website and review the complete findings from the study cited above.
My advice? If you are experiencing unhappiness in your marriage, realize that there are better days ahead. Remember the good times, and have faith that they will come around again. Be patient and work to create those better times. The good times will be even sweeter when you get there.
Disclaimer: I am not talking about abusive relationships…those who are in an abusive cycle should not expect that things will get better. Over time, things typically only get worse. If you are in such a relationship, be careful, and seek professional help.
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